Everything is nothing.

Assalamualaikum

Hi

I have been shaken with two bad news this week. My bestfriend's father met the Creator just a few days ago. And my uncle is in critical condition for he was found unconcious after a stroke hit him. My deepest condolences to Yana's family. Her father was a humble quite man. Thank you ayah for everything. I still remember that time you fetch us from Terengganu. And my uncle is at the moment still unconcious at the hospital. Half of his brain doesnt function anymore because of the stroke. We arent close but i have known him for his humbleness and he is a very nice uncle. He loves to smile. He took great care of his late wife, my aunty when she was sick. To think about it, both of these men are similar in a way. Quite uncles just have special places in my heart.

There is only one thing that hit you when you visit or hear such news; what is the meaning of life. Where are your wealth, family, friends, instagram likes, places you visit, food you eat, everything that we were proud of. We will be left with our body; the once upon a time a healthy strong body that will be sick and helpless. What is the meaning of life?

I guess i'll leave you at that. I have things to ponder too. Such a short life. So many things to do.. but what.

Oh Allah, take me when you are pleased with me.

Pregnant lady coming through

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Im almost 18 weeks pregnant. My morning sickness, fatigue and nausea is 90% gone. My belly is showing. Belly button is ready to pop anytime. Lol. My legs cramps are under control. I take 2 glasses of milk everyday. If i miss a glass, my legs will start to cramp so i cant afford to miss any milk gulping. During my early weeks, i drank a few glasses of milk and to my surprise, i kindda have a lactose intolerence symptoms. I immediately thought of my husband. He is partially lactose intolerant. During those few weeks, i was struggling with my leg cramps and my pelvic bone was killing me night and day. Until one day i couldnt take it anymore, i tried drinking milk and alhamdulillah things got better until now. No more lactose intolerence symptoms too.

My body is acting a lot like my husband's. My appetite is totally similar like his. In my first trimester i wanted to eat sambal berdengung his mom made. So my mil had to send some to us or whenever we balik kampung, i'd ask her to tapau some for us. Huhu. Supposedly during those times i wasnt supposed to eat spicy food because acid reaction in my stomach bla bla bla but i took it really well. And also, my husband is number 1 fan of kfc. Im a bit of a so so. And i am definitely not a fan of burgers. One day, i asked him to buy me a zinger burger because i suddenly thought of it. My husband brought home 1, he was thinking for a while before he said "hmm betullah anak abg ni, tibe2 je nak makan kfc". I laughed.

But i was also craving for anything sweet, especially kelantan dishes and kuih. Until recently i came home to kota bharu and ibu told me "selera kakak dh lain ek?". I thought to myself. Haah laa. Lol. I dont ask her to make tomyam anymore. Many times before this, if i came home, the first thing i ask ibu to make is her tomyam. My mom's is like a special tomyam idk why, it just is. But this time, not once i mentioned it. Fyi, my husband is not a soup or tomyam fan as much as i was.

And so many other things changed about me during this pregnancy. I really dont feel like myself. This baby is surely taking after his/her ayah like 100%. Unlike zahra. Zahra is on the other hand a xerox of me. Well, we gotta have one a xerox of ayah kan. Lol.

Dear baby, your tiny kicks and punches are ticklish tau! We cant wait to see you. Grow well and stay healthy in there. Umi promise umi will eat anything for you. Fyi, my alergy towards prawns are gone! Im so over the moon. Haha. So, ayah, when are we going to try out on crabs? Bet i can eat crabs now wehoo (sure hope so). *angkat kening kat husband

Ps : im currently obsessed with the new donuts at big apple. It looks like eclairs but with more choices of toppings and fillings. My favourite is the caramel ones. Ouh just the thought of it. Maybe i should go grab one (or three) later. Nyam nyam

Drugs

Assalamualaikum

Hi

I suddenly remember i used to cling onto something sad it had become a habit. In contrary with popular beliefs that sadness is best away, i needed it. It made me write better. It kept me in touch with my feelings better. But me trying to keep being sad was bad for my outlook of the world, i constantly pushed people away. I was looking for something wrong in everything. It was my drug.

Once i have a reason to live, Zahra, i cant afford to let the sadness become apart of her too. I cant let her carry my baggage. I started being happy or at least content with what i had. And it changed everything. Yes, i felt the sadness but i kept it to myself. And after my marriage with Azrul, i was blessed with so much happiness i cant look for anything to be sad about. There are ups and downs there's no point in lying about that, but i dont carry it with me making it bigger day by day or nurture it until it become a tumor. Alhamdulillah.

But some days, i miss my melancholic writings. Haha. I cant find similar drugs. But dragging myself to sadness again is not worth it i bet. Hence these ramblings and pointless posts. I certainly no lang leav to be clinging on some sad memories for the sake of book writing. And with what i have, with how i feel about things, i try to make it work with the way i write. Its not an easy task really. But as for me, that is a challenge im ready to take.

Its a far future but if i start today, i'll be a step ahead. And so, this space might become a lab for my experiment writings. Stay away! Or stay close! Which ever you prefer. Lol. Blah blah blah. Kbai

"I already am. I always was. And i still have time to be." - anis mojgani

;)

That girl

Asalamualaikum

Hi

I think im being secretive about zahra since the child pornography issue. I dont post much pictures of hers anywhere. And i dont talk about her as much too. Trust me, she's the center of our attention now and ever but sharing her out and abouts is still at alarming rate. I hope it stays that way actually. Oh im just an overprotective mother.

Furthermore, i found it unfair to those who is trying to conceive and have a child of their own when i talk about zahra all the time. Yes, once i made that mistake of talking about her 24/7, and i learnt my lesson. So i wont do it anymore insyaAllah.

But, a once in a while updates about her is forgivable i hope. Like this one im about to write. Hew. Being that she's only a newborn for 40 days, a baby for 2 years, a toddler for another few years etc. She's growing into a healthy baby girl alhamdulillah. In fact a toddler next year. How fast the time flies. I once held her with one arm and she was so light. Today, i can barely lift her and she's in fact heavier than dhiya who is older than her by 4 months.

Im grateful and happy with her growth alhamdulillah. She's a happy gal with sprinkles of her own personalities. She's growing her interests in many things such as reading and drawing. She has her likes and dislikes. Yes, she throws tantrums from time to time and thats ok by us. She listens. She pays her attentions to things around her. She's still picking up at her speech department but she has a few vocabularies. We believe that she knows the things we say but she chooses to say and pronounces only her favourite words. At her stage, she's mastering nouns and her favourites are; duck, dog, ayam, meow, horse, fish, air. She knows nasi, cicak and many more but she ignores when we ask her to repeat after us. We think that that is the only thing we need to work on right now. Other than that, she's an angel.

As for us, her parents, it is such a beautiful experience to see her grow everyday. My life might sound boring to you, but she is my miracle and our happiness and joy. Even seeing her wakes up everyday is the happiest thing we can ever experience. Watching her new behaviours, listen to her babbles can melt our hearts forever. I honestly miss her when she sleeps. We wouldnt know what to do without her. I can see my husband hurting everyday when he's off for his work for days or weeks. The two of them have this special bond even i cant figure. They love to play mime with each other. Now that zahra knows how to video call her ayah, she'd say ayah a million times when she's in a bad mood. Seeing her ayah can put a smile on her face. If she was in a bad mood at that time, she would forget about the whole thing and she'll go play nicely after her ayah says hi.

We just hope that she will be ready when the time comes for her to step up and become a big sister. She looks like she into babies. She loves to play with lily but we wouldnt know for sure unless she has a baby sibling of her own right? Huhu. As for now, we are going to squish her hard as she's our only baby. But she likes to put her hands on my belly once in a while and say meow. Haha. I cant wait for her to see my belly moves up and down from the baby's punches or kicks. I'd like to see the look on her face. Bet she'd scream in fright. Lol.

Umi & ayah saaaaayang Zahra. Or should we call you kakak already? XD

Ps: i will have to see my doctor on the 21st. Im afraid i'd forget so im going to chant that until i fall asleep. -.-

Zuriat

Assalamualaikum

Hi

First of all urusan ini bukan urusan saya. Sy cuma cerita pengalaman dan cerita2 org. Sungguh rezeki ajal maut jodoh itu urusan Tuhan. Kalau kawan2 sebaya mostly dah anak 2 3 dh mostly lah. Tapi masih ada yg single. Kalau yg muda 3 4 tahun pun lebih kurang tu jugaklah. Maybe lebih ramai yg single atau baru kawin.

Nak dijadikan cerita lately sebab ramai yg dh berumahtangga jadi confirm lah nak baby. Katalah ada pasangan ni konon nak honeymoon phase setahun dua mesti in the end kalut jugak berusaha nak baby. Sebab bila berdua tu bosan ke cmane jadi nk lah penyerinya. Macam sebelum sy dihadiahkan zahra. Kalut kemain.. saya lah. Bila asek datang bulan terus rasa down, tak subur ke aku. Jadi amek inisiatif pegi klinik sebab memang nak baby. Doktor scan rahim dan alhamdulillah takde cyst ke ape. Cuma takde telur aka ovum. Jadi doktor bagi ubat utk enhance pengeluaran telur. Bulan berikutnya ya Allah tak pernah sakit macam tu. Mcm period pain pun ada.. tapi tang kiri kanan ari2 je. Ingatkan buah pinggang. Time tu rasa mcm redha je ada ke takde baby. Sakit. Takpe lah takde baby lagi.. sy cuma nak sihat. Pegi klinik lagi. Doktor scan lagi.. dia ckp ovari bengkak. Maybe efek ubat tu paksa ovum keluar ke mcm mana. Tapi telur masih takde. Redha. Sungguh redha. Lepas tu dah tak kira period lagi dah. Malas nak semakkan kepala. Tapi mcm boleh bajet dah lewat lebih seminggu. Dlm 10 hari. Mulalah otak ni pikir lain pulak. Sakit ke aku. Ke sebab ubat hari tu. Adoiii. Tapi takut nk g klinik lg. Safest thing to do masa tu cek dulu pregnant ke tak. Kalo tak, baru risau sakit ke ape. Sekali alhamdulillah ada zahra rupanya.

Ini cite adik zahra pulak. Memang takde planning apa2 pun. Husband mmg nk baby. Tapi sebab masih menyusu badan mungkin hormon lambat sikit. Time tu mulalah rasa frust sorg2. Walaupun husband cakap takpe. Tapi naluri perempuan ni memang tak boleh elak. Adik pulak dah pregnant anak ke2. Lagi lah. Lol. Ada terdetik ke nak gi klinik lagi cek. Tapi mau kena debik ngn doktor sebab zahra belum pun lagi 2 tahun kan. Jadi sy igt nak ushar ubat zuriat yg org jual online. Ushar je tak beli pun. Time tu byk sgt false pregnancy symptoms. Macam memberi harapan sgt. Tapi last2 period jugak. Sampai satu masa sy decide nak kerja. Jadi malas pikir baby ke benda lain. Sy nak fokus kerja.. maybe study. Plan nih dalam kepala nak beli baju cantik2, nak pkai heels balik, nak fokus zahra je tak kisahlah sampai dia umur berapa pun baru dapat adik. Husband bawak jalan2, makan sedap2, happy2. Sekali rasa lain macam time subur. Tapi malas nk berharap sangat. Pastu missed period 1 hari je. Sy ni jenis period punctual atau mesti awal sehari dua. Suami duk laut pun tak menyabar nak gak cek kan. Gigih gi beli pregnancy test sorg2. Alhamdulillah dah 3 minggu lebih time tu. Agak2 kira terjadi time kat cameron highland. Haha.

Kesimpulannya dalam kes saya, bila stress, ape pun tak jadi. Tapi bila redha, berharap cuma dgn Allah, dan happy2 alhamdulillah Allah beri. Ape kita pikir sangat memberi efek pada tubuh badan kita seriously. Sebab tu kalau ada family members, kawan2 tanya tips2 utk pregnant itu je yg sy mampu suggest. Ya, penting utk cek klinik takut2 ada sakit. Nauzubillah. Tapi kalau dua2 sihat, insyaAllah lambat cepat mesti ada. Yg penting positif. Tapi, memanglah senang cakap daripada sendiri pikul kan? Disebabkan orang ckp org pregnant ni doa senang makbul, sy doakan kawan2 yg nak baby tu dpt baby cepat2 insyaAllah. Positif!

Ok tu je sebuah catatan seorang umi di tepi buai anaknya yg sedang tidur kemain sedap sebab hujan dan sejuk. Baby dlm perut pun diam je tido lettew. Umi pun nak join sekaki. Kbai.

Ps : selsema sebenarnya ni. Sian baby. Jom kita cepat sihat baby!

Satu

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Sorry for extra mushiness. Make way for the mushy train.

Today marks a milestone of our marriage. One year. Weird, it doesnt feel like a year. It still feels like yesterday he took tok kadi's hand and said those akad. It still feels like yesterday i heard the word SAH and i saw him turned around looking at me with the biggest smile i have ever seen. He wasnt even nervous. It still feels very much like yesterday.

It is true, you only know a person once you marry him/her. Yes, he is the same azrul in a way. But as a husband, he is so much more. So much more kindness. So much more love.

All i want to say is, thank you, husband. For everything that you have done for me, for us. Thank you for your patience, love, lessons. And i want to say im sorry too. Im sorry im such a baby. Im sorry for my mood swings, for my muncungs. Marrying you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel alive everyday, i look forward to tomorrow. I learn new things. I become a better person.

I still remember the first time you become the imam for our solat. I think i started to feel a lot like a wife after that. Some kind of realisation just hit me. Right in the feels that i cried. And i love how i wish you good night every night and i'd say i love you. And you will say "i love you more" every single time. You just know how to make me smile in my sleep.

Husband,
Thank you.

Ps : lil baby kicked ayah for the first time hari tu. Husband felt it. Huhu wait for the big ones in coming months.

Mister-can-do-it-all

Assalamualaikum..

Hi

Some days can be gloomy to Ansari.

But alhamdulillah there is her Azrul.

Maybe its that silly walk he has. Maybe its his camel shorts. Maybe its his rayban glasses. Maybe its his shaved moustache. Maybe its his beard. Maybe its the way he laughed with the cashier girl at the gas counter. Maybe its the smile he gave me when he walked back to the car. Maybe its the hand gesture he made signing crazy.

Some things he did purposefuly or accidentally, makes my day better. When i feel like shit and i cant see anything is going right for me, he proves he can turn everything around just by being him.

Thank you my dearest partner in crime, my bolster, my stress ball, my mirror, my anchor, my superman, the one who holds my heart in one hand, the one who fills it just by being present. My bestest friend.

Ps : we played kinect at ibu's house. He's leading at every game especially Just Dance. I cant believe this is happening. My husband dances to girls' songs better than i do. Lol. We should have a picture taken or a video recording our dance moves. We must look like idiot. Me especially, with the bump. XD

2 sen

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Sebab lately banyak sangat post ibu2 & isteri2 compare2 sesama mereka. Rasa terselam sama. Contohnya, surirumah vs ibu bekerja di luar. Breastfeed vs formula milk feed. Beranak caeser vs beranak normal. The way i see it, ibu2 ni nak rasa dihargai, tu je. Dia rasa tak dihargai oleh family members terutamanya husband, tu yg dia cerita betapa payah nya tugas dan perkara yg dorang terpaksa lalui. Tanpa sedar, topik tu melukakan hati orang lain yg melalui perkara of complete opposite tp realitinya, dia pun berkorban dan bersusah payah demi anak suami dan keluarga. Honestly, mana ada ibu yg nak benda tak elok dekat anak dia. Tolak tepi kes terpencil yg dera anak sendiri. Semua ibu2 nak yg terbaik utk anak dan keluarga dia. Pandangan setiap org berbeza, situasi yg Allah letakkan dia pun berbeza jadi cara dia handle mestilah berbeza. Bila bincang2 pasal ni lama2, kita faham, kau dan aku berbeza tapi niat kita sama. Dan ujian kita berbeza sebab tu cara kita overcome berbeza. Gitu.

I wont go into details each situations sebab sungguh, situasi setiap org berbeza dan macam2. Takde yg sama lah so far sy borak dgn kawan2 ibu2. Tp sy percaya semua orang nak happy. Semua org nak dihargai. Semua org sebenarnya berkorban utk keluarga masing. Korban perasaan, korban cita2, korban penat lelah, korban kesakitan fizikal dan mental. Sape lagi nak faham ibu2 kalau bukan ibu2 yg lain. Kesian kes terjun bangunan sebab tak boleh susukan anak. Entah berapa ramai lagi tekanan kita tak tau. Spread love and positivity. Kindness gives ripples that will come back right at you insyaAllah.

Ps : zahra panggil baby meow. -.-" dah lama tak borak pasal zahra. Next post

Domestic Engineer

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Everyone i used to know must be so proud of me now. I used to be known for my love of sleep and how im a nocturnal. And being an ummi makes me a morning person. I wake up super early every morning and i rarely has power naps. I do morning grocery shopping. In fact, as soon as the Aeon store near our house opens. And i cook 3 meals a day. Do laundry every day. Hahaha even i cant believe the sound of that. But its true. Its 10.49 am and im already bored. I told my husband that im bored because there is "nothing to do". Husband said, wait lah next year, you'll have a handful. God that is so true. So i have a few months of boredom before the chaos. Huhu.

Referring to previous post, i have chosen my road. It was actually my dilema of choosing between working and being a stay at home mom. By working, im not saying that lightly. I mean a job i like, a job i really look forward for years, something i know, something i'd like to learn more, something i would be proud of. Its sad, really. For the record, no, its not a teaching post. I think im meant for more than being a teacher. And i had it in my hand. I was offered a job i thought i didnt get. Remember the job interview i had months ago? They called for a second interview. Its a funny story because i thought i didnt get it when actually they were waiting for my reply. Total misunderstanding. Maybe my lack of understanding work jargons. But they're still interested in having me. But they wanted me to start immediately like a week after that. I consulted my husband. He knows how much i want the job. But both of us know the real issue is zahra. Being clingy parents i cried my heart out that night talking to him about how much im worried about leaving her too soon. We dont even have a chance to look for a proper nursery. I mean, there will always be a nursery who can accept zahra but will it be good enough. Our plan was we take at least a month of eyeing good nursery and scrutinise every details. Why so picky? There are a lot of child abuse cases by nannies. Let alone the kidnapping. And of course because of the fact that zahra is very hard to handle these days. Since she totally drinks formula milk we found her to be easily throwing tantrums and cry a lot just for some silly reasons or no reason at all. Its a phase actually and we're afraid that some people do not know how to cope with that resulting hitting her or scolding her. God forbids. And honestly, my husband worries about that more than i do.

My husband said i should take a few days to think it through. I was so cornered. That company even said the salary is raised a little since their first offer. T.T i asked my mom and my sister. Frankly i would be easier if someone decides it for me. But all of them said it is all up to me. So i guess i should ask Allah. What would a good wife and a good mother do. Of course, stay close to her family. So i go with that. As soon as i told my decision to my husband, he immediately thanked me for choosing to stay home. He knows how much i wanted it so i guess he figures that this is my sacrifice for the family. And oh boy how excited he was when i told him about that. -.- wait wait wait. I told the company about my decision. And they would still wait for me. Huhu. Idk lah in the future kan?

So im 29, married, pregnant with my second baby, with an almost toddler daughter, a stay at home mom. May Allah ease our journey and shower us with endless rizq and love. Same goes to all of you readers too. Some roads are easy. Some are hard. Some are meant for you. Some are meant for others. But if you walk your road proud and happily, even the hardest road be fun. There are obviously so many things for me to learn being a mom, thats why Allah put me here and i thank Him for that. Notice that i write roads and not destinations? Because our destination is the after life. Lets do our best building today for a great tomorrow.

Ps : im a yay close to start writing a book. Argh. I need books.

A fork in my road

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Pernah tak berdiri dekat simpang perati je jalan2 yg ada. Perati org lalu lalang. Perati nun jauh sikit sejauh mata boleh nampak hujung setiap jalan tu. Pernah tak. Perasaan nak kena pilih salah satu jalan tu adalah sangat pundek bak kata suami saya. Tak boleh pilih dua2 sebab duhh badan awak boleh belah dua? Kena pilih satu je. Tah laaa cmane hujung jalan setiap satu tu.. kalau salah pilih macam mana? Kalau jalan tu payah? Banyak lubang? Banyak ular senduk menanti? Barang banyak nak bawak ni.. suami, anak, baby dlm perut. Ya Allah betapa berdenyut kepala beberapa hari ni pikir. Nangis. Bila tanya orang, org suh ikut kata hati. Hati pulak diam membisu kunci diri dalam peti besi. Ketuk2 taknak bukak. Tanya logik akal, dua2 menarik. Sebab akal analisis ape mata nampak je. Atau mungkin saya ni takut amek risiko. Haih mana tak takut.. satu family kena angkut.

Ok. Ada masa lagi. Istikarah.

Ps : atoto

That last 2-ish age

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Being officially 29 is something..... pretty ordinary. I dont feel old as much as i should. I dont feel like im missing things and life walked passed by me. It feels very normal actually. The perk of being born at the end of the year. I kindda felt the age crisis train impact during new years. So, in sum, i actually felt old a long time ago. Idk whether that is a bright side or a dark side of late birthdays. Hmm.

But importantly! I've had my 29th birthday celebrations. Celebration ker.. more like cake cutting ceremony with hubby and zahra and rose smelling up until midnight. Huhu. It was a small 'party'. Thanks to my beloved husband for the amazing cake which he insisted on buying at that particular cake shop just because he has been buying their cakes since he was small and for generations. I wasnt expecting any presents really. Because idk what to ask from him being that my needs are pretty fulfilled and im easily content. Last year he bought me an expensive handbag. I still dont use it as much sebab syg and because its a little heavy for my small shoulders that are already occupied with a toddler and her stuff. When he went out to buy the so legendary cake, i waited in the car for quite a while i was starting to doubt this cake bussiness.. why does it took so long to write a simple note on a cake and pack it. Until husband came up with a box of cake and a bouquet of roses. It really was nice i immediately fell in love with him again. Lol. And the rest was cake eating and getting fat together.

We wanted to save some for our neighbour, but we ate a big piece of it so it wont look as nice to give a few slices. -.-" considering that she 'took care' of our house for more than a week while we were in kelantan and tanjung malim. Huhu sorry aunty. Niat tu ada. So we bought her some fruits instead. ;) niceee

Of 29 years of life:
I wanted to write down every blessings i have but the list can go on for eternity. All i can say is that im grateful for this life and all that it brings. Alhamdulillah. Everyday is a new day. Everyday is filled with surprises. Everyday is another second chance.

Throughout the years i guess i have learned that the past is history but it is a crucial part of which mould us to who we have become today. And the future is really too far away. It cant be predicted and there is absolutely no reason to worry about what is coming for it will come anyway and we will deal with it when its finally here aite? What's important is that we cherish today. Make every moment counts. Give our blood and sweat onto something worth it.

But if we fail today, thats ok too. Because God made us imperfect. We have our own flaws. Its ok to make mistakes. In fact, that is the only way we learn. Be ourselves and whatever comes our way will fit right where it belongs sooner or later.

Hew hew ok i sound a little old. Ehem must be the maturity hormone. Lol. All in all, there is so many things to be grateful for. Look closely. :) and with that i bid you good night. Hasbunallahu wani'mal wakeel.

Ps: tummy is showing a little. They say during second pregnancies, baby bump might appear sooner than during the first pregnancy. Im just so glad husband thinks my bump is cute being that he used to admire my 6 packs. Haha *yes i had 6 packs abs.. even after having zahra B-)

The Price

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Slow and cool day in kota bharu right now. My daughter is somewhere in front of the tv watching her favourite movie, Home. She can watch it on repeat. Yesterday she watched it for 5 times. She wanted to watch it again and again but we have to stop her from doing so. Since i can practically memorize the script by heart. And its pretty annoying and stressful to listen to it continously.

Anyway, terpanggil nak cakap pasal redha. Sebab duduk rumah ibu ni balik beberapa hari ni ter-recall time awal2 pregnantkan zahra dulu. Same simptom. Moderate morning sickness. Tp i was stronger back then. This 2nd pregnancy, ya Allah lemahnya rasa walhal lebih kurang je. Itu tandanya saya ni mmg manja. Sebab dulu sorg2 deal sume benda. Tahan je dalam hati.. sedih, kambus perasaan tu. Sekarang, geli2 tekak sikit laju je mengadu kat suami. Suami pulak rajin layan.. memang lah naik lemak. Huhu. Tp sekejap je lah. Sekarang dh ok kut hopefuly. Ada sikit2 je lagi. Nak cepat2 habis phase ni. Sebab nak makan sedap2. Kehkehkeh. Tp sesampai je kb hari tu laju je cari ape nak makan. Alhamdulillah sgt suami sgtlah manjakan sy sampai nak papepun dh tak tau dh. Contohnya nak merengek pasal ape pun tak tau. Faham x? Haha dasar sungguh la ekau ni ansari. Sebab nya suami layan nak makan ape, urut kat mane sakit, tolong jaga zahra. Bila cakap ngn ibu, sy jadi princess skrg ni ibu pulak yg kesian kat suami. Tu yg kena bebel 4 bakul takleh nak manja2 lg dah.

Anyway, pasal redha tu bukan pasal tak redha pregnant skrg ni. Mesti la redha alhamdulillah. Cuma terpikir cane dulu blh survive. Tu je. I was so rock bottom kut. Takde lagi down, itulah paling down dalam hidup. Tenggelam lemas sorang2 taknak timbul tp hidup, selamat, bernyawa sampai lah saat timbul semula. Kunci dia masa tu redha. Sebelum sy realize soal redha, sy cari punca masalah. Sape. Sape masalah tolong move your ass from my life. Dan yg tu pun Allah tolong. Mudah. Taknak elaborate panjang. Yg penting chow. Hari2 mendatang lepas tu payah tak tipu langsung. Menangis sorang2 malam2. Tp bila depan org senyum. Itu dh jadi rutin. Segala gelap tak manis pedih simpan. Masuk bilik kunci pintu baru nangis. Sebab tu ibu tak suka sy duk sendiri. Dia akan ajak keluar dgn kwn2 dia lepak2 minum air makan2. Terhibur sekejap balik sambung nangis lagi sambil usap perut. Zahra dh tendang2 dan sy masih igt kata2 sy pd zahra, "dont worry umi dgn zahra forever". No connection dgn sape2 negative. I totally put myself inside a positive bubble. Dan Allah hadiahkan manusia2 yg memang sesuai dgn keadaan sy time tu. To make me feel pretty, to make me feel smart, to make me feel loved. Cukup. Tiada yg kurang. Pikir2 balik betapa Allah syg zahra. Betapa Allah syg jiwa dia. Allah bg environment yg positif utk dia. Dan betapa mudah bersalinkan dia.

Satu yg sy jaga, hubungan dgn Allah. Tak sesempurna org alim. Basic2 tu je. Ini bukan brag ke ape. Cuma nak bagitau dari mana redha itu datang. So lepas dh remove segala yg negative, tlg lah sedar sape yg penyebab penyakit pd diri tu. Sape lg? Jgn nak salahkan orang eh? No 1, salahkan diri sendiri. Ye, sy yg invite those problems. So setel la situ. Sy penyebab dia jadi the fault is on me. So ini sy yg akan setel kan. Gitu. Sbb sy jenis yg malas nk gaduh ngan orang ni. I'd rather look defeated than look desperate. Be the bigger person. Always. Lepas dh mengaku silap sendiri baikilah diri. Sebab kalau kita salahkan org, sapelah kita ni nak baiki orang. Mulakan dgn baiki diri sendiri. I worked a lot on myself. Baiki solat. Baiki bacaan al quran. Sampaikan time pregnant zahra tu boleh rasa zahra suka surah yasin. Sampai boleh hafal lah. Kalau nearest mosque tu tgh bc yasin pagi2 sebelum subuh, telinga ni terdengar2 je dalam hati duk folo baca sekali. Punya lah zahra suka surah yasin. Again, bukan nak riak. Sebab masa tu sy cuma ada Allah. Saat orang lain ada suami nak bermanja2 sy cuma bermanja dgn Allah. Boleh kata setiap kali lepas solat sy akan ceritakan dekat Allah ni ape perkembangan terbaru zahra. Terbaring atas sejadah menangis tu biasa. Igt2 balik kesian dekat diri sendiri. Tp time tu ok je. Tp ada malam2 yg sy tak kuat. Biasalah hormon org mengandung, tak stabil. Sy baca yasin dgn tafsir. Sebab pernah terbaca, kalau nak Allah ckp ngn kita, kita bc quran. So sy baca la yasin. Smpai lah satu ayat yg kena recite 7 kali tu. Sy pun terpikir hmm nape yg ni kena bc 7 kali dh lama nk cek maksud dia. Cer tgk maksud dia. Sekali tersentak sendiri. Awak tgk lah sendiri tafsir dia eh. Sebab masa tu mana ada nk msg loving2 ngn sape2 pun. Dpt msg loving2 dr Allah sgt best tau. Malam tu tido dlm senyuman. Alhamdulillah. Tu paling magic la sy rasa.

Dan along the way tu saya jumpa redha. Redha tu mahal. Takkan jumpa kalau diri masih mendongak. Takkan jumpa redha kalau dlm diri masih ada walau sedikit rasa nak salahkan org. Takkan jumpa kalau sibuk mengasihani diri sendiri. Redhalah diuji semampunya. Redhalah ujian yg nampak segunung ni sebenarnya kecik je. Redhalah tak nampak esok pun sebab hari ni masih ada. 100% nasib sy, sy serah pada Allah. Sy teraniaya Ya Allah. Bayi yg tak berdosa ni teraniaya. Doa org teraniaya kan tiada hijab. Nampak tak bes rupanya kat situ. Embrace it. Instead of mourning about it, make it a gem put it on your crown. Sy nampak kerisauan ibu dan org2 terdekat bila sy nak bersalin. Ibu takut sy meroyan tp alhamdulillah takde pun. Bila pikir2 balik i had every reason to meroyan. Dgn very subtle care sbb ibu sekolah takde orang jaga sy dan zahra. Tp hari ni sy boleh cakap i survived that! Solo trip! Tanpa menyalahkan sape2. Tanpa memburukkan sape2. Semuanya dgn redha dan Allah di sisi. And that is by far my greatest achievement in life.

Ada la dlm banyak2 doa sy masa pregnant, ya Allah kurniakan org yg betul2 syg sy. Dan dia mestilah syg zahra sgt2. Allah beri suami sy Azrul. Yg mmg confirm syg sy sejak zaman tok kaduk. Haha. Confident je kan? Memang sy confident part tu. Alhamdulillah. Dan dia memang syg zahra. Setiap hari duk laut pun sibuk call nak tanya kabar zahra je. Kabar sy last2 baru tanya. -_- dan perjuangan yg tu telah selesai. Sekarang ni perjuangan yg baru pulak. Perjuangan rumahtangga. Perjuangan membesarkan zahra. Perjuangan mengandungkan adik zahra. Perjuangan diri sendiri sebagai hamba Allah. Semoga pregnancy kali ni dalam lindungan Allah. Dan semoga amalan pun bertambah. Jangan malas2 okay umi.

Ps: dh scan hari tu. Baby dh lambai2 kat umi & ayah.

Sekadar sebuah ucapan terima kasih buat suami tercinta pemilik hati dan pintu syurga saya, terima kasih sebab melayan ibu mengandung ni. Abg suami paling awesome dlm dunia. Abg balik nnti syg nak cool blog n lokcing lg. Kbai.

A bun

Assalamualaikum

Hi

We're at husband's kampung. Long story short, i'm pregnant. Surprise! Lol. I dont think i have any cravings just yet being that our sweet pea is still very small. And alhamdulillah i have no serious morning sickness. Pretty much like when i was pregnant with zahra. I need my snacking to keep my stomach full so i wont vomit air. Or have a nausea from the flatulence. All in all, im very happy with my conditions. There are worse right?

Anddd, one thing. I just have this urge to eat this one particular sour fruit, cermai. Not that jeruk kind of cermai. I daydreamed about young cermais. An out of nowhere, my mouth will be filled with a waterfall of saliva. Ouh just the thought of it. Anddd, apparently, my beloved mil has a family member who sells jeruk cermai which she asked where does she get all the fresh cermais and she got some for me! Yay! Alhamdulillah. I dont think that this is a craving, maybe just an urge to eat something sour. And this evening, i ate some of the cermai and they were wonderful! Perfectly like i imagined. Maybe even better. Because my pregnant hormones kicked in and affected my taste buds and honestly and seriously, i didnt think they were sour at all! God that is so satisfying. And i ate them with salt. Um um so gewd~

Ok, so lets talk about the father of the bun in the oven lol. He's over the moon about me being pregnant. He smiles every single night before bed. And he'd do most of the housework especially doing the dishes. And what im so grateful of right now is, him taking care of zahra. You see, a child can sense when her mother is pregnant with another baby. Idk how but old people say that. And zahra proves it. I talked about work before this remember? I was sure i can leave zahra for work because she can bottle feed now. But after my pregnancy she totally resist the formula milk which puzzles us. After brief explanation by my mom, i get it that she's jealous of the baby and she wants to get back to breastfeed and hug me all the time. Considering my on off feverish conditions and flatulence and nauseas, husband is very helpful with bottlefeeding zahra patiently until she's surely full. I love my husband so much right now. Huhu.

Anddd, about that work i said, i said goodbye. Lol. Who am i kidding, i still get job interview offers but who will hire a pregnant lady? Plus, even if i get the job, i dont think i can cope being pregnant and doing another job from 9 to 5. Maybe this is the hikmah about me not getting my dreamjob.. i get a dreamjob of being a mother of two. Hehe

Please pray for our health. Umi and baby wishes everyone good night. Actually i just made husband went out to buy kuetiau goreng basah because im hungry. And i just ate it and i cant sleep just yet. I dont wanna be fat before the actual bump right? Lol

Ps: along and i will be having a baby next year insyaAllah. So mak and abah will have 2 extra grandchildren next year. Haha.

Very small ps: i never experienced any of this with zahra and i thank Allah with so much gratitude. Alhamdulillah. Lots of love to my fil and mil for your concerns and love. Also to my in law siblings. Its such a happy feeling to see faces ignite when they know that im pregnant. Especially to husband, thank you for what you have done and what you will be doing in less than 8 months. I really want to cherish this. <3

Im not the wolf. Im merely an owl who waits for the moon.

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Waa lama nya tak update belog. Tapi you know why right? Parenthood. Zahra dah pandai membebel sekarang. Mulut potpet2 24 jam. Segala benda lah dia buat mcm henfon, letak kat telinga dan bebel lagi dan lagi. Ala2 umi gayut dgn ayah lah mcm tu. Lol. Dah cucuk punggung 18 bulan. She's officially 1 year and a half. So big ady kakak2 sgt. Sedang brush up teknik penyuapan susu kepada bayi2 sebagai persediaan utk dpt adik kut. Ekseperimen selalunya pd anak patung hello kitty dia. Dan lamb yg dia panggil baa baa. Haa Mala baru melahirkan baby girl baru dorg, belum confirm nama tapi maybe nama Lili. Hehe omey macam kakak dia, Dhiya. Yay to new addition. Ciklong so happy the girls circle is getting bigger.

Life is good i guess alhamdulillah. Walau bosan tapi masih tetap alhamdulillah. Kawan2 yg sebaya duk komplen rindu anak2 etc, jadi rasa bersyukur sgt Allah beri peluang duduk rumah. Honestly, rasa nak kerja membuak2 sgt. Tak tipu langsung! So far dh attend few interviews. And one is my dream job. Macam kalau dpt kerja tu, rasa sangat bes bagai berada dipuncak dunia. Tak pernah rasa macam ni considering my career history. Yes, im hoping i get the job. Tapi kalau xdapat, ada lah tu hikmah dia, contohnya, zahra masih perlukan perhatian. Husband is very supportive, like i get a few job offers yg confirm dapat but he insisted that if i were getting back to work, i have to do it because i like the job. And among the many jobs i applied and attended interviews, there is that only one job yg mmg to die for. Will pay me poorly but its my dream job. Haha nampak tak gila meroyan sbb nak kerja tu?? I ranted for like 24 hours pasal tu husband tadah je telinga. Lol.

Anywho, other perks of being a full time mom, im very tv bound. Or frankly, pc bound. Sebab the both of us laki bini baru lepas habis 7 years of tv series, sons of anarchy. Comments? Perghh. That is all we can say. Go search it and watch it! We mean it people. Husband is still in limbo of it, still cant accept the fact that its over (for us). He refuses to watch any other movies or series yet. But we watched mr robot & dragon balls in between but they dont count. We have weird system about that. Hence the draught season of this blog. Habis tu mane nak fokus anak lagi tv lagi writing lagi. Even my reading time freezes tau. :p but its back on track and im looking forward to buy that latest book of lang leav. Any one wants to join me to kinokuniya?

one of the series' ost. do listen

Ps: this goes to my husband, walaupun abg dah balik malaysia, im so proud of you. You deserve everything under the sun for your service and good work. And we love you. :*

Redemption

assalamualaikum


***pejam mata

rasa tak ombak dalam dada hempas pasir tangkai jantung? jantung jatuh :)

jantung jatuh tu term 2004. being a weird undercover poet, i was describing to husband my chest pain every time he does something sweet (or just because i fell so in love with him). it was so hard to explain that to him because he was a heartless physics freak. so i said, exactly macam jantung jatuh. (kena panah petir. vibrate. jantung rasa sejuk. i tried using those terms but he didnt get it.) --

anyway, do you like this song? we love it. <3 p="">




ps: i just finished a bottle of tart nenas. like seriously.

The raya post

Assalamualaikum

Hi

First and foremost! Selamat hari raya! Maaf zahir dan batin! Xoxo

Whew what took so long for a hari raya post? The end of ramadhan, the whole hari raya thing & the hari raya aftermath. We ended ramadhan at husband's kampung. First raya there. Second raya at mine. How was it you ask? It was awesome like seriously. I didnt know what to expect spending hari raya away from home for the first time in my life. So yeah, i was pretty sad. But my in laws are so amazing. And im not saying that lightly. I mean, my mom in law with her amazing dishes. My sisters in laws with the cookies and cakes. The males with fireworks. It was a very happening raya indeed. And man, the raya morning. That hand shakings and kissings and huggings sessions, we never have that in kota bharu. Idk about other families, but back in my kampung, we would be just like 'hey sorry man, happy raya to you' and that's it. At my in law's we get to have a real speech and tears and sooo much of hugging. It was very refreshing for me. I mean yes, i cried.. and idk why. Lol. And oh, when i was trying to apologise to husband for any of my wrongdoings, i cried but i also laughed. Like it was weird.. but also i was overwhelmed. Husband smiled like he was blushing or something. Lol. I think the whole thing was lovely. I will definetely make it a tradition for our little family in the future. And thank you abah and mak and along for all your advices and love.

The eating and feasting after that was even lovelier, i was introduced to a lot of jawa dishes, and how to eat them. Mostly just ways of our family eat them.. Love everything on the table. So we went to nenek and atok house, mil's relatives and also husband's friend's house. Hmm everyone was so nice.. i wish the first day of raya was longer. I ate at every house okay! I was full but i tried to make room for more food. Just because everything was so delicious. Nope i dont regret it. Lol.

The raya we spent at my kampung wasnt much of raya left. Mil kirim some for ibu, rendang, kuah kacang etc so we indulged on the dishes and everyone loves my mil's cooking im so proud. Haha. Other than that, we spent raya shopping near siam and jalan2. Sokay one because next year will be my turn. Hew hew. Plus, raya haji also my turn. Kikiki. You see, marriage is give and take. Because after raya kota bharu, we went back to husband's kampung and walla mil made laksa. Like she knew i was craving for it. Please dont judge my appetite.

All in all, i miss hari raya so much. I dont want it to end. I want lemang. I want rendang. I want nasi impit kuah kacang. I want lontong. I want satay. I want sambal kering. I want tart nenas. I want ayam kicap. I want alllll the food there is. All i mean all. Ok so is anyone organizing open house? Anyone?

Ps : you see, housewives also have problem getting used to regular chores after long breaks. I need to sync my head to constant cleaning and seriously focus on gardening. Heck yeah!

Ramadhan Random

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Reality bergelar umi adalah bila hang out dengan orang yg dah kawin, ada anak.. topik perbualan pun pasal anak demam, anak minum susu ape, anak bangun sahur jgk ke..

Kalau ada kawan single, tanya dorang buat ape time senggang, hobby, thoughts on current issues. Jangan tanya bila nak kawin, mane boyfriend, mane girlfriend.

Dengan kawan yg dah kawin tapi belum ada anak, jangan tanya bila nak ada anak. Bagi je anak kita main ngn dorang. Haha. Berkattt. Bia senang melekat bak kata kak long petir. Lol.

Ps: ape achievement ramadhan? Ape? Rasa2 boleh bangga dengan diri sendiri tak pagi raya nanti? #tanyadirisendiri

Langit Semut

I can see the sky

The birds are flying

Clouds are moving by

My heart is light

The moon will be my witness tonight

In my dreams I see myself fly

Terbang

Terbang tinggi

Walau tanah di kaki

Kan ku cari langit

Terbang

Terbang tinggi

Awan biru menanti

Bersama pelangi

Always thought that I

Could be own my own

But you made me feel alive

And I don't feel alone

Terbang

Terbang tinggi

Walau tanah di kaki

Kan ku cari langit

Terbang

Terbang tinggi

Awan biru menanti

Bersama pelangi

Terbang

Terbang tinggi

Walau tanah di kaki

Kan ku cari langit

Terbang

Terbang tinggi

Awan biru menanti

Bersama pelangi

I can see the sky

The birds are flying

satu hari ayah pernah cakap ngan saya. "kakak ni tinggi imginasi". so i laughed. sebab kalau saya tinggi imaginasi saya dah menulis buku sekarang ni.. bukan blog ni. tapi tanya jugak la kenapa ayah cakap macam tu.. ayah pun cerita pasal suatu petang. kitorang tengah lepak sama2. saya masa tu still sekolah rendah. kitorang tengah tengok semut berjalan.. sederet.. bawak makanan etc. so saya dengan yakin letak tapak tangan kiri atas barisan semut tu. tangan kanan tunjuk langit. "ayah, itu langit kita" referring to the sky. "ini langit semut" tunjuk bawah tapak tangan kiri. hmm. ya saya masih ingat lagi hari tu. ayah cakap ayah terkejut. so ayah diam lama.. baru gelak. so yeah, i'm a special kind of weird. cakap tak pernah nak pikir dulu. main hambur je. kalau fikiran normal takpe jugak. ni pelik2. haha. k. tu je. 


ok, rindu ayah..

Pedo Alert

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Im a typical housewife, mother and wife. I like the idea of documenting every moment of 'big' events. But not to the extend of updating facebook status every hour. Or posting pictures of my homemade cooking (well i post pictures of my cakes but that's different because i dont bake much and it is only on instagram). Or hammering keyboards at every feelings that hit me; anger, sadness, happiness. Im more of the average jane who only shares other peoples shares. Who once in a blue moon shares instagram photos, which would be the picture of my daughter and that is it.

My latest find about the internet is that crazy horny phychopaths are smart enough to steal other people's pictures and post them online in porn sites! Worse, they steal pictures of children and categorise them under pornography? What a sick world we live in. And the children's pictures aren't even in nudes or anything like it. I mean, they get turned on just by looking at kids, fully dressed, maybe pose with legs a bit apart from one another (i mean come on, thats how kids sit because of the diapers and maybe because they're kids, they arent meant to sit still), lie down, or just sleeping. It is horrific. Knowing that these crazy people can access my accounts and steal my pictures and masturbate to them. Worse, my baby's pictures. I cant even imagine. Sick!

So as a precaution, i have deleted all of Zahra's pictures online. All. Every single one of them. Every pictures. Every videos. Sayang tak? Sayangggg. But i love her more. Im not going to jeapordise seeing one of her picture (which i uploaded) get on one of those sites. Sickening. I read that harith iskander, tomok and erra fazura's kids pictures are on the sites. I feel sorry for the parents and the babies. But ask ourselves, who to blame but the parents who uploaded the kids' pictures. As an alternative, im talking husband into printing all of our precious pictures and put them in scrapbook albums. Just like old days. Cuter right? From a parent to another, or a future parent, lets just take down all of our kids picture ok. Better, take down ours too.. because when i was scrolling down deleting zahra's pictures, i found my old pictures of which i was not covering my aurat properly. So i just delete all of our pictures.. everyone. To protect everyone else too (do you know that the crazy people can crop our faces and paste them on one of the pornstar's bodies, anything can be done these days ok). Maybe we should calm down with sharing every details of our lives. Being almost 29, i should slowly let this social media thing go.. lol.

Ps : an incident this morning, the land line rang. For quite a while. I was upstairs, pretty annoyed with the ringing and starts asking myself where in the world is my husband. Why cant he answer it. To my surprise, i saw both my husband and zahra looked at the phone while it rang. Just look at it. Standing in front of the tv and LOOK. Puzzled, i asked him "why dont you answer that?" My husband said, "it's 07". "So? It could be your friend". And what he said next cracked me. "Even i dont know our land line number. How would my friends know". Lol

Photograph

Assalamualaikum

Loving can hurt

Loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard

You know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket

Of your ripped jeans

Holdin' me closer

'Til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone

Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal

Loving can mend your soul

And it's the only thing that I know

I swear it will get easier

Remember that with every piece of ya

And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

We keep this love in this photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Our hearts were never broken

Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket

Of your ripped jeans

Holdin' me closer

'Til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone

And if you hurt me

That's OK, baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

Wait for me to come home 

Oh you can fit me

Inside the necklace you got when you were 16

Next to your heartbeat

Where I should be

Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me

Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away

I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost

Back on 6th street

Hearing you whisper through the phone,

"Wait for me to come home."

photograph - ed sheeran




isn't this beautiful.. :)

"In twenty years from now, I don't want to be just another name... In twenty years from now, I still want to be in your life... 

In twenty years from now, I want someone to stop you on the street, Ask you how you're doing, And bring up my name. 

In twenty years from now, I don't want your answer to be, "I haven't seen her in ages." In twenty years from now, I hope you say, "She's waiting for me at home.""

ps: ok here's a funny joke. my roommate told me.. "why does ed has no girlfriend?" "she ran". lmao 

Daddy's day

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Happy father's day to all fathers around the world, on mars, in whole galaxy and in the black holes. Jk. Happy father's day to my roommate, the blanket thief, fart machine which is also my teddy. Both Zahra and i, love you so much pass the moon and back a gazillion times. Also to my ayah and abah. All of us love you daddies so much.

Dear husband, thank you for keeping us safe and feed us everyday without fail. Thank you for the mornings you take zahra just so i can have a few minutes of extra sleep. Thank you for making her, her milk and feeding her with her favourite food. Thank you for putting up with her cries and tantrums. Thank you for watching hopla with her all day long. Thank you for bathing her, change her diapers. Thank you for singing lullabies to her. Thank you for putting her to bed. Thank you for letting her draw on your body. Thank you for all the games both of you play that makes her giggles so hard that she dreams about playing and talk in her sleep. Thank you for all the thousands of kisses on her face. Thank you for the warm hugs. Thank you for being so patient. Thank you for calming her down. And for calming me down. And above all that, thank you for being so sincere. Knowing everything you have done and what you're doing comes from your heart, makes us love you more and more. We are truly grateful for having you with us. You are our anchor, our super hero, our everything. Thank you.. for all the little things that aren't so little to us. You're so badass baby. Umi syg ayah. <3

Ramadhan kareem to all muslim readers. May all of us utilise this month by doing as many good deeds as possible insyaAllah. Keep a clean heart.

Ps : i'd like to talk about jon snow but that will just grind my gears so i'll skip.

Favourites

Assalamualaikum

As a human being, zahra has developed favourites all the way through her growing process. Truth is, favourites dont come from other people, it is us, what makes us different. You see, i thought i can shape her the way i want her to be.. i cant. She is who she is. She likes what she likes, she wants what she wants. I mean, we can try persuade her, but it is up to her to decide. And as a mom, i try to give as much freedom as i can and as im allowed to give. I let her choose. I give options. And seeing her choose is actually a wonderful feeling. I feel like she's very human. And actually will grow become a person. An actual person. Who someday will make bigger choices everyday. That i hope, will refer to me and her ayah along the way.

Well, lets see.. her favourites. Right boob over left one i dont know why.She really loves chicken, chicken curry, fried chicken, chicken soup.. anything as long as there is chicken. She really loves water thats why we would take her to the waterfall near husband's kampung everytime we balik kampung. And she'd be jolly grinning to her ears  She has her favourite channel now, baby first in hypp tv. She wont be happy if i change the channel. She likes the steering wheel, we even bought a steering wheel toy for her in the car, so she'd stay in the carseat longer without screaming. And her favourite toys would be her books. Haha she has me as a mom so what do you expect. Her favourite books are the princess series with pop up pictures. She'd ask me to read them a gazillion times i can practically memorise the whole book series. Her favourite person, her ayah.. she literally cant sleep if my husband is out of state for his work so he would leave a shirt he had worn the night before with his smell on it, and i'd put the shirt beside her every night until husband gets home. Or else, she'd be restless during the night and she'll have those little cries i dont even know what. And the both of them will have video calls everyday, husband even cries. -.- i dont know but those two are seriously unseparable. And oh, if zahra hears a motorcycle or a car drove by, she'd think that her ayah is home and runs to the door whispering "ayah ayah". That actually breaks my heart. :( so when the two are together, it would be as if i dont exist.. well, i only exist if zahra needs her sleep or milk. Thanks guys. -.-

Other than that, zahra's favourites will come as she grows up i guess, she still doesnt know colors so she doesnt really care if i put a blue shirt on her, we arent really color coordinated, im not that kind of mom who'd buy a closet full of pink clothes just because she's a girl. And considering im breastfeeding and also giving her formula milk alternately, she has her mood for formula and breast milk.. not to a point she totally resist ummi's milk. She also has discover her writing hand. Guess is she a right handed person or a left handed person? She's a leftyyyy. Yay. Husband is probably the happiest person. I dont know why husband likes a lefty so much. Haha. I remember i was talking to my mom in law about husband.. so mil told me that husband used to told her that he'd only marry a girl if she has perfect teeth and if she's a left handed. So mil told me "takkan mak nak suruh calon2 menulis depan mak.. nah amek ko pen ni tulis". Hahaha. I laughed so hard. And yes, i have perfect teeth and im a lefthanded. *flips hair

Anyway, point is, discovering your daughter's favourites is another definition of happiness. You'd see her as a maturing person, not a baby anymore. I mean, she can choose now, likes and dislikes, its overwhelming for me. And trust me i cant persuade her much because honestly she is as stubborn as i am.

Ps : this season got will end next week. Argh

Well, who knows?

Assalamualaikum

So i was accompanying husband at his usual jogging recreational park near our house. Honestly, that was my first time there. I never knew it would be that beautiful.. despite being in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, which one might think there is no possible way such a place exist, it was mesmerizing. Yes, we can see the highway, traffic and all, but it was surprisingly quite.

Being a milo girl, i was only there as husband's cheerleader. Considering my mom is in town, we left zahra home.. so it was a very me-time i could use as a pause from life. Lol. Sad but true. But not THAT sad in reality. Well, you know the details. Perks of being a full-time housewife.

Anyway, after lots of ponders and uhhhs and ahhhs what a wonderful world, i remember what meowth used to say. Ya, im a pokemon freak. Too much nintendo pokemon ruby i guess.

"We do have a lot in common. The same air, the same Earth, the same sky. Maybe if we started looking at what's the same instead of always looking at what's different,

...well, who knows?"

-- Meowth

Ps: have you listened to the latest muse album? Like whoaa i missed you matt.

Bright

Assalamualaikum

Bright

I think the universe is on my side
Heaven and Earth have finally aligned
Days are good and that's the way it should be

You sprinkle star dust on my pillow case
It's like a moonbeam brushed across my face
Nights are good and that's the way it should be

You make me sing oh, la, la, La
You make a girl go oh oh
I'm in love, love

Did you see that shooting star tonight?
Were you dazzled by the same constellation?
Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me?
I think you and the Moon and Neptune got it right
'Cause now I'm shining bright, so bright
Bright, so bright

And I see colors in a different way
You make what doesn't matter fade to grey
Life is good and that's the way it should be

You make me sing oh, la, la, la
You make a girl go oh oh
I'm in love, love

Did you see that shooting star tonight?
Were you dazzled by the same constellation?
Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me?
I think you and the Moon and Neptune got it right
'Cause now I'm shining bright so bright
And I get lost in your eyes

Did you see that shooting star tonight?
Were you dazzled by the same constellation?
Did you and Jupiter conspire to get me?
I think you and the Moon and Neptune got it right
I think you and the Moon and Neptune got it right
I think you and the Moon and Neptune got it right*
'Cause now I'm shining bright, so bright
Bright, so bright
And I get lost in your eyes tonight

<3

My roommate's birthday

Assalamualaikum

Here is a late post of my husband's birthday. His 29th. Hehe old ady. I wanted to write something mushy but i dont want people to puke on their keyboards. Keyboards can be expensive. Lol

But i want to thank the man i love so very dearly with all my heart for being who he is, doing what he's doing and simply for being here. He should know he's an amazing person, kind hearted and honest. And that is even underrated.

Tq for being alive for 29 years, baby. I thank Allah for that. I hope you have learned so much along the way. But if its not much, its ok, because life is teaching us everyday.. and honestly i have so many things to learn too. And im glad you're here with me.. to learn. To hold. And to love. Come and lets grow old together.. for the best is yet to be. <3

Ps: we went to see lil akhdan bakhtiar last night.. we later watched the latest episode of got which is superrrr awesome!

6 Mac 2014

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Hari ni mood nak cerita pasal pengalaman bersalinkan zahra tahun lepas. Dah setahun 3 bulan. Saje lah mane tau nanti nak bacakan tuk zahra sebagai night time stories. Just to let her know the sufferings. Lol. Ini kalau cerita kat hubby mesti dia buat muka seram. Pastu ouch ouch. Cane nak teman masuk labour room sekali adik zahra nnti. Haha

Arakian bermula kisah 4 mac. Ada spotting. Oleh kerana dah 9 bulan tak period, jadi kelibat darah ni macam pelik pulak. Haha. Pastu duk doubt sendiri betul ke darah betul ke? Pastu konfem lah ada darah sikit dalam 2 3 titik. Pastu ape lagi gelabah tetek la. Alhamdulillah ada ibu, family dan kawan2 yg berpengalaman benar dlm sektor2 bersalin ni. Maksu pun every pregnancy mesti keluar darah mcm tu lah time nak bersalin. Ketuban darah org kampung panggil. Ok boleh keep calm kat rumah. Tapi tak de lah keep calm sgt pun. Sbb minggu2 last tu dh ada contraction main2. Braxton Hicks org putih panggil. Contraction main2 atau ajar2. Bes wooo. Macam period pain kejap ada kejap takde. Tapi entah lah weh.. time pregnant kan zahra adalah masa sy paling kuat. Ansari the iron woman betul time tu. Nak nangis tahan. Nak merengek tahan. Buat poker faceeee je. Sepanjang 2 hari tu contraction jadi lebih kuat. Takde main2 dh la. Tp sebab most kawan2 ckp takyah pegi spital, so tak pegi. Duk umah je. Ibu dan adik2 memang standby je. Hp je melekat kat tgn je. In case nak call emergency kalau takde org kat umah.

Sampai lah satu malam semacam je contraction tu. Tp sy ni kan suka install benda2 pelik dlm henpon. So sy install contraction counter. Sgt berguna tau! Sakit je klik. Dh habis klik lagi. Dia boleh catat masa brapa lama contraction. Dan gap from one another. Time tu pukul 12 malam. Ibu dh masuk tido. Tp ada adik laki, Habibi, kitorg duk tgk movie sama2. Dah bagitau dia, rasanya lain macam sgt. Dia dh ada anak sorg so dia tau la nak handle org nak bersalin ni. Dia suh g spital je. Sy cakap belum lagi. Sbb contraction gap belum 5 minit sekali. Gigih lah duk menahan. Pastu duk pikir ni kalau aku bersalin jap lagi ada tenaga tak. Siap sempat makan nasik tau. Haha. Pukul 1 mandi. Semayang. Pukul 3 mcm tu contraction dh 5 min sekali. So dh smpai masa gi spital. Kejut ibu dan kitorg bertiga gi spital sama2.

Nak dijadikan cerita, keta ibu mati halfway nak sampai hospital tau takk. Pukul 3 pagi. Dgn sy every 5 mins contraction. Tp mcm boleh tahan lagi. Takde contraction sampai rasa nak menjerit pun. Seb baik lah mala n ejat datang. Bawak 2 keta. Mala bawak sy n ibu ke hopital. Ejat setel keta ngn habibi. Kelakar jgk time tu. Lol. Pastu register. Mala cakap muka sy tak macam nak bersalin pun. Haha

Sampai tu pakai skirt. Misi suh tukar kain sarung. Kawan2 nak gi bersalin takyah pakai lawa2 mcm saya tau. Pakai je kain sarung. Jenuh pulak nk tukar. Xyah pakai panties. Pastu acara berdebar iaitu cek jalan. Sebab byk baca doktor cek jalan sakit. Agak berdebar la. Alhamdulillah tak sakit. Tapi keluar darah banyak.. takut gila time tu. Pastu doktor cakap dah 4 cm. Maksudnya takperlu tahan dlm wad. Boleh masuk labour room terus. Alhamdulillah malas jugak nak tunggu dlm wad kan. So, nasihat sy, kira betul2 masa contraction. Berapa lama each contraction. Pukul berapa start. Gap each contraction tu berapa lama sebelum gi hospital. Paling cantek 5min sekali tu baru pgi hospital. Kalau tak pecah ketuban la. Kalau ketuban dh pecah silalh cepat2 ke hospital. Takut baby lemas pulak.

Pastu ini cerita dalam labour room. Takuttt sangat. Tapi sebab sakit so rasa nak cepat2 lah baby keluar. Dah la sorang kan. Tak sempat nak rasa sedih pun time ni. Rilek je. Allah ada.. teman sy sepanjang proses bersalin. Sebab tu kuat. Hehe alhamdulillah. Lama jugak lah rasanya. Tp ibu cakap cepat je dh bersalin. Sebab masuk labour room pukul 4 pagi. Pukul 11.44 pagi zahra dah keluar. Sepanjang duk dlm labour room tu ramai la misi n doktor keluar masuk. Cek jalan sesuka hati atuk dia. Geram jgk time tu tapi malas nk layan sebab sakit perut. Dah lupa dah nurse ke doktor yg pecahkan ketuban sy. Huhu. Haa lepas pecah ketuban tu sakit dia ya Allah contraction bertambah berkali2 ganda. Cuba baca ayat kursi satu ayat tu tak sempat habis pun. Dorg tampal byk ayat2 dlm labour room tu. Tgh jalan contraction, sampai lupa td berenti kat mana. Baca balik, sakit lagi tgh jalan. Tp baca je. Sampai lah sy dah tak tahan sgt. Doktor dtg cek contraction sy kuat tapi jalan bukak slow. Pastu dorg bagi ubat tahan sakit. Yg buatkan sy tertido. Siap mimpi lagi tau. Haha Seriously tertido dalam labour room. Tau2 rasa macam nak meneran. Nurse pun berkejaran tengok kepala baby dh keluar. Ape lagi.. mula la sesi meneran. Alhamdulillah amalan suka membaca mmg membuahkan hasil la kat sini. Haha. Sy teringat ape sy baca, cara2 teran nurse pun puji pandai. Hehe. Kejap je zahra dah keluar. But still, time bila jarum air kat tangan tu boleh tercabut pun tak sedar. Btw, cara meneran yg sy baca, dan buat time tu adalah: dua2 tangan pegang buku lali. Jangan angkat punggung! Nanti koyak. Amek nafas dan teran ikut arahan nurse. Jgn lah lawan kata nurse tu. Dia lebih tau.

Pastu bila baby dh keluar yg mula2 sy perasan adalah rambut dia. Haha lebat gilaaa. Pastu dia merengek2 sikit. Nurse letak atas dada. Haa lagi satu. Nak masuk labour room takyah pakai bra lah. Senang baby nk meniarap. Time tu sy pakai bra so terganggu sikit. Sempat peluk zahra sambil ucap Allahuakbar ulang2. Mesti nurse pelik. Haha. Tak tau kenapa mcm kagum gila teran keluar manusia. Sungguh kagum. Pastu zahra kena bawak ngn misi utk doktor azankan. N bersih2. Dlm 45 minit sesi menjahit. Kena gunting kut. Sakit jgk la kena jahit tp doktor tu baik. Bual2 ngn sy. N bila sy cakap sakit, dia akan letak bius lagi. Alhamdulillah mudah. Pastu rindu anak dah. Haha. Nak peluk dia lagiii.

Pastu masuk lah wad bla2 stay satu malam. Adik sy ishah n putri yg temankan. Zahra pun tak kuning jadi esoknya pukul 12 tgh hr dah boleh keluar. Maka bermulalah hidup berteman tangisan dan ketawa kecik.

Alhamdulillah Allah tunai permintaan sy utk proses bersalin yg mudah walau tak berteman. Allah beri kekuatan yg sy xtau sy ada pun, utk melalui semua tu. Zahra memang hadiah paling best dlm dunia. :")
Btw, usm best sgt. Staff baik. Layanan baik. Nanti nak beranak sana lagi. Haha. Macam tak perlu je bersalin hospital swasta kalau setakat nak kena czer. Haa sebenarnya plan nk bersalin kat annisa tau. Dh nk book bilik. Jumpa doktor pakar, boleh dia cakap baby kecik n air ketuban sikit. Sebagai org yg berpelajaran tinggi, sy gi scan kat klinik lain. Klinik ang. Doktor ang ckp air ketuban ok je. Hampeh. Sorry la tak tau la nape doktor annisa ckp mcm tu tp pada pandangan sy, dia nk tipu so, sy akan induce dan memandangkan kepala baby belum masuk jalan lagi, mmg tinggi chance sy akan kena czer. Haa seb baik sy gi cek klinik lain. Takde maknanya nak czer, sy nk body lawa dan beranak ramai lagi tau doktor. Haha. Bersalin je kat klinik kerajaan ke separa kerajaan lagi bagus. Dorang akan cuba gak sedaya upaya make sure kita dpt bersalin normal. Lagipun byk lagi cara lain kan, forsep, vacum. Ape hal tah sesuka ati nk bedah2 orang. Most kawan2 ramai yg czer skrg. Syg nye body. :(

Ps: ok ttbe rasa rindu perut buncit. Haha

Love is singing to muse with you

Assalamualaikum

"Nape ko nak kawin ngan aku"

"Sebab aku dah penat mencari Ansari. Ko power ko tau tak."

Perempuan pelupa, ini awak jangan lupa.

bila semakin menjengah birthday suami, semakin tak tau nak buat kek ape, tak tau nk beli hadiah ape (oleh kerana suami tak suka surprise, sy memang straight forward je, abg im buying you perfume. Pastu dia cakap, takyah lah. Beli wallet.) Haha senang keje tapi macam nak belikan electric shaver tu. Sebab nampak gigih nau gi beli gillate. Idk why im blogging this. Anyway, esok mala and her little family is coming. You know, red warrior, weekend, football. Gomorr! In a related news, hubby is a red warrior fan too. Mehehe.

Ps: tengah layan muse pada hari jumaat. Because it takes us to 2004. :*

Gary the snail

Assalamualaikum

Hi

I feel like a terrible mother sometimes. I feel like i have failed my daughter. And that whatever i do wasnt good enough. For her. For us.

Today she touched a snail. A living freaking snail. I dont know which part exactly but im sure it was moving. Tentacles and every slimy thing was outside of the shell i suppose. We were at the porch. I was done hanging the laundry. Grabbed her yellow ball wanted to play with her. And i was taking her picture too. Hubby was at the nearest store buying eggs.

I mean, thank God i looked at what she was doing. If i were not? God knows what will happen. Ok now i feel like a bad mom again. Arghh

Truth is, i disappoint myself a lot concerning the matter of taking care of my daughter. It feels like i can do more. I should do more. Im expected to do more. And i settle for the average.

New life goal :

• Make zahra happy
• Make zahra feel safe
• Kiss zahra a lot
• Hug zahra a lot
• Feed zahra a lot
• Bath her 4 to 5 times a day
• Talk to zahra
• Respond to her with full attention when she babbles 
• Do motor skill and sensory activity with zahra a lot
• Hug her and look into her eyes when she breastfeeds
• Read to her a lot
• Pray with her and make doa with her tiny hands

I have not done enough of those. And maybe there are other things that need to be add up. Will update my life goal from time to time. Btw, zahra is asleep in the swing. After "helping" umi in the kitchen, baking vanilla butter cake for ayah. She squashed the margarine. She's a little faster now. We have to keep the shower door closed at all times because she might come out all wet from playing with the water. And keep the front door closed too. And the cherry to the cake, the stairs. Oh how she loves the stairs.

fire meet gasoline

sia

Ps: baking project is on. Im taking biskut raya orders. Anyone interested? Hehe. Oh btw, happy teachers day. As a former kindergarten teacher, i want to say, i love all of my students, especially the one who asked me what teacher means. :)

Hot daddies

Assalamualaikum

This was taken long ago. During our housewarming party with bestfriends from our matriculation college.

Notice that the 3 dads look glowing. Some say that the older a guy gets, the more kids he has, the hotter they get. Look at my husband. Extra spicy right? Lol jk.

Ps: im just looking for the right mood for grocery shopping. Argh so lazy to drive.

Pps: btw naufal, orked and zahra were born 2 months away from one another. Same year. So, future besties? Hehe

Mothers day

Assalamualaikum

First of all, happy mothers day to me. Happy mothers day to my ibu & my mak. Happy mothers day to my sister and along. Happy mothers day to every mother in the world. May Allah grant us Jannah for our sacrifices and undivided love towards our babies and families.

Second of all, thank you dear husband for the mothers day presents. Thank you for the hersheys. Thank you for the kinder buenos. Thank you for being my charlie and the chocolate factory. And most of all, thank you for the baking start up kit. Hehe. Ok. Honestly, it was a nice surprise. Even though i kindda knew that you were buying me the oven, mixer etc. (My husband is terrible at keeping secrets and making surprises. He asked me a gazilion times what i need for baking. Too obvious right?) I love them to bits. I loveeee that my oven has light inside it. Haha

Being a mother for more than a year now, taught me a lot of things. From caring a child, taking care of a child, putting up with emotion roller coaster with a child on your hip, everything from a to z, i thank Allah. For the opportunity. For zahra. Everyday is a new day and a new lesson to the both of us. And also to my husband. Being a mother and a wife to zahra and my husband, is the greatest blessing i can ever ask for. Alhamdulillah.

Honestly, you will never know how a mother feels. Until you become one. What lingers in her mind. What she feels about you. About your everyday routine. About who you're being friends with. She thinks about what people think about you. She worries endlessly. And it is true, a mother would die for her baby. Die. Suffer. Starve. Mocked. Anything. For her child.

May all of you female readers will one day experience the joy of being a mother. Amin.

Ps: i baked a simple cake earlier today. My baking skills sure have gone a little rusty. Still can practice for hubby's coming birthday. Gehehe.