My miscarriage experience

Assalamualaikum and hi!

February is ending soon. And im in a confinement. Apparently our baby didn’t make it and I’m going to tell you a story about how we lost our baby.

The beginning of my 3rd pregnancy was okay. I was energetic and i thought i was okay and i could handle the rest of it with ease. Well i thought wrong. Because when my morning sickness slowly set in, i was nauseous more that i have ever been in both of my previous pregnancy. Practically just 1 vomiting but i was experiencing severe flatulence and i couldn’t stand the smell of anything. Being a mother of two, twas terrible, i couldn’t cook, clean my kids and even pick myself up.

So we figured it would be nice if i could be around my family as they can take care of my kids and me, especially in the area of preparing food. My husband who was struggling with his work and final exam left us for a couple of weeks in kota bharu and i think we had the best times because the kids can be with their aunts and uncles and i didn’t have to cook, my mom was happy to see their grandkids and my beloved husband can focus on his work and most importantly his final exams. Plus, it has been a long time since the last time i saw my family in kota bharu.

All was good; i got to eat lotsa nutritious and yummy food jyeahh. The morning sickness i had suddenly faded a week in kota bharu. It was like a couple of days of wekk and a couple of days feeling like nothing were happening. I was happy really because i thought the getaway was curing it. Apparently that was the earliest sign that my baby wasn’t doing well in me.

Things were planned really neatly, when i get back in shah alam i would go to the clinic and have pink book done which i did only a week after i got back home because of high fever i got. That was the second sign baby was not well. It was so sudden but because of the travelling and the kids got fever too, i thought maybe i got it from them. Didn’t suspect a thing. By this time morning sickness was 90% gone. When i was back on my feet, i went to the clinic and baby was supposed to be 13 weeks old in me.

When i see the doctor, the most heart-breaking thing i heard from her mouth, my baby is not the size of what it should have been. It looked like it was 8 weeks old. I panicked and cried a lot at home. Googled everything on the internet and even though i found positive info, i still had doubts. This never happened to me before. Also, the doctor scheduled another scan 2 weeks after the date to see whether or not baby was growing.

Me being as positive as i could ate lots of healthy food and literally ate double my normal portion every meal. Husband was supportive and he never complains about buying me anything. He just bought them. Food i mean lol. The next weekend we spent our weekend at my in laws, abah and mak wanted to celebrate idk everything good in our lives? Lol my brother in law was home spending his semester break and everything, so everybody was home except yaya because she's in south korea. All was good until one morning during subuh when i was in the toilet i noticed a few spotting. Deep red blood was coming out of me, not a lot but i freaked out! I also experienced some cramps, when i walked the cramps got stronger i thought i was going into labour.

Everyone told us to go to the hospital and so we went. But knowing it would take some time at the hospital, husband took me to get breakfast first, i was feeling ok then, no more cramps but still was freaking out. As we reached hospital, we went straight to the emergency department, i registered and made rm1 payment for registration. An MA took my blood pressure and asked a few basic questions and took me inside to the ER. When i was inside ER, a doctor asked me to pee in a small bottle and a nurse came and inserts green branula on my right wrist. Ouch! A few more detailed questions were asked. A fellow lady came in saying she had miscarriage too and she was like 23 weeks or something. We kindda tag team wherever we go after that.

Slim river hospital is very very nice and there weren’t so many patients there so the doctor were paying attention to us, things ran smoothly and fast. My husband took me up to the maternity floor and i got checked by the doctors there. You know that thing that looks like a duck's beak? Its called speculum. I hate it! It’s the same thing they used when i was giving birth to muaz. But being a good patient who has already gave birth to two kids i can’t say much because i have to be strong right? Then, the doctor who took my case, use the duck's beak and a very bright table lamp to look inside my vagina idk to look for bleeding sign? Blood has stopped by now i should let you know. And then she scanned my belly, she saw nothing on the screen, not a thing, my uterus was empty. She used a vaginal scanner and she said she saw greyish figure in my uterus and that was it. It was baby and it was still in size of 8 weeks old. My heart broke but the doctor was calm and said probably baby isn’t going to make it looking at the sight of it but she also said if baby were to suddenly grow, my pregnancy will continue as usual (i didn’t really believed that. Because i saw the screen myself and i have never seen a pregnant uterus like that, i was mentally accepting that it will leave me soon). Doctor scheduled another appointment 2 weeks after that. Spotting was visible on every other day after that.

Fast forward to the few days on a working day (i can’t recall), i had a terrible fever. Another high fever, only higher and i couldn’t do a thing, my husband took me to his mom's house because he panicked and none of us knew what was happening. I took panadol but nothing happened. Until one evening mak put hibiscus' leaves' water on my head and i started feeling ok. We were planning to go to hospital that night and we cancelled. My mother in law made me bertungku, shower with warm water and urged me to start my confinement, she said i got bentan. I was on the verge of my insanity, i was sick for weeks, i just go with whatever i think made sense.

I should have known a tornado was coming my way because i wasn’t even bleeding a lot, there were only spotting. One morning in our home also on a friday, a week later, before my husband went to work, big lumps of blood was coming out of me it was nightmare! The first few were the size of my palms put together! I had to flush them down the toilet i didn’t what to do. I said i was okay to my husband and so he went to work only to find me calling him after a couple of hours because i was having contractions (honestly it felt like i was waiting for a full sized baby to come out). I was crying when i called him, he went out of his meeting urgently everyone basically cut the meeting short lol. But when was home the contraction got milder and by that time idk how much blood lumps got out of me (if i didn’t flush them, honest to God, the toilet will clog i tell you), there were a lot of blood lumps. After each contraction, a lump will come out, i had to go sit on the toilet bowl, because a pad surely couldn’t bear it. I thought that was it, that was all the blood in me that needed to come out. Boy i was wrong.

Later that evening, after maghrib, i felt the contractions again, and my husband didn’t want to wait anymore, we went to the emergency department in hospital shah alam. And this is the most annoying part of the whole journey. The terrible hospital registration table is outside of the hospital, literally on the sidewalks, letting patients inhale the fumes from the vehicles coming and going. I was sick so i let my husband did the registration, i waited in the car, until the MA wanted to speak to me asking basic questions. So my husband got me a wheelchair and i sat there answering his question with my face twitching and sweating. After that he just pushed me towards a door and that was it. I had to wait for a few minutes because my husband parked the car and handled the kids alone. I was in pain this time i remember clearly. When my husband got back to with the kids, we was in anger because nobody seems to be taking care of me, i was sitting alone in a wheelchair by the sidewalk. The MA told my husband to push me to the green zone area and my husband pushed me to the parking lot back to our car lol. He asked me whether or not i can bear the pain for a while because he wanted to bring me to slim river hospital. Lol. I'd rather wait in the car anyway, so i agreed.

My husband drove us back to our house, grab out clothes and whatever the kids needed and he drove us to slim river, perak. I was in pain in the car, contractions and i started to bleed a lot! The pad i wore then was a night pad, apparently not big enough to hold the blood, blood started coming up, making my shirt soaking wet. I started feeling dizzy and sleepy. My husband kept asking whether or not i was okay and asked me to hold on. His voice basically kept me from falling asleep or maybe fainting.

As i arrived at the emergency department slim river hospital, there was an ambulance in the driveway; an indian uncle probably had a heart attack or something. Me being the strong woman i always has been, tried to stand up and everyone there was screaming "no kak sit down!" they didnt want me to collapse there. An MA brought us a wheelchair, i sat down and he directly brought me into red zone area with like 4 beds. I was there a couple weeks earlier but only to do ultrasound scan. This time, a more horrific experience :(

There was first a doctor asking me this and that. Then a pregnant nurse came to help. She told me to undress and take off all of my clothes ALL. I stripped down in front of them (behind a curtain, no males) and wore hospital patient attire. They saw with their own eyes my pad was soaking wet with blood back to front and they put my clothes in a black plastic bag. I lay down on the bed still bleeding, suddenly there were a lot of people (all females, everything they did with my vagina, only females were involved, strictly no men). Nurses on my right and left were inserting green branula in my arms. Honestly i was dizzy and i can’t really remember who did what, it was so fast. And suddenly there were 2 doctors talking medical jargons i was really tired. The doctor scanned me on my belly and in my vagina. After that she put the speculum and flashed inside of my vagina with a torch light. She put a really long scissors-like apparatus inside me pushing my uterus wall (yes! I felt it!) She said there were still blood lumps inside me, that was why i was bleeding like there was no tomorrow. They were talking about pushing me to an operation theatre but one doctor said they wanted to try to take out the lumps themselves (meaning speculum and that long scissors) and fyi, by this time they have been poking me and scanning me vaginally alternately for like 3 to 4 times already. It hurt like bloody hell!

To a point the doctor said my bladder is full and it complicated the process so i said ok where can i go pee? The doctor scolded me and said (puan! Puan dlm keadaan serius sekarang tau tak??) I was dead serious thinking about walking to a toilet. When what she meant was she needed to put in a tube into my bladder. Oh God that time i felt like screaming no! But the pregnant nurse convinced me that inserting a branula hurt definitely more that inserting the tube. So i braced myself and said ok. And guess what? The nurse was telling the truth huhu. There were discomfort but it was okay. Now imagine a doctor poking the inside of your vagina while having a tube where you pee. I couldn’t think! That was the end of my thinking capacity, i just lay there spreading my legs like a chicken on a chopping board. It was frightening that was for sure.

After like 8 or 9 time of poking and pushing my belly (hurtful!), they said they have gotten out all of the lumps and i didn’t have to go to the operation theatre for D&C. I was relieved. I had 3 bags of fluid left and right of my arms, 3 of the metal stickers on my chest and belly to check my status at all times, urine catheter and 2 shots of ubat kecut rahim on my left thigh. I was strolled into a ward for the night. The doctors said all was good, i should fast if anything came up in the morning and wait and see if i bleed a lot or not. I was yes yes whatever just don’t let me die.

The next morning the doctor from last night came to me and asked me about how much have i bled. I said not so much because that was the truth and despite feeling a bit dizzy i said i was okay (gotta be stronggg). She said i should be discharged that day but she will have a specialist check up on me, once the said doctor approved then only i can go home. Feeling hopeful and all, i saw the specialist, a female Chinese doctor, very thin. She did ultrasound scan on my belly and vaginal scan, she said there were a few irregularities. Oh dang! And then she put her hands inside me while her left hand pushed my bladder really i hard i swear i was gonna pull her arm, it hurt! I mean her fingers are really thin and pointy that hurt a lot! After that some blood lumps came out. Oh i was gonna cry, i think i cried a bit there, feeling frustrated and i was scared :"( so the doctors said i can’t go home just yet, and i need to do d&c. My nightmare come true. But the doctors and nurse explained to me everything, the risk and all, i guess i just have to accept it so i did.

My husband and kids came visit me after lunch and i missed them so much. I missed muaz and zahra. That was the first time i slept without muaz by my side. I cried again. Truth was i can feel my body wasn’t strong enough and i was feeling light headed all the time so i accepted my fate to whatever comes i just have to go through it all to be healthy again. After lunch i started my fast, d&c was scheduled at 8pm but the nurse came prepping me at 8 something. I was pushed to the operation theatre at 9pm. I wore that robe that you have to tie at the back and a cap. To be honest it was frightening considering the risks. The doctor said i could get my uterus stabbed in the process by a few percent, and i could be bleeding way too much and i might need blood transfusion and the risk of diseases in the blood is very high (including hiv) it was scary i won’t lie :(

So there i was, lying on a slim stretcher in an operation theatre with busy doctors and nurses. Oh before that the most important thing, anaesthetic. One of the doctor who was doing anaesthetic on me asked a few question and she said that they will be giving me half body anaesthetic which will be injected into my spine just like epidural. Me being a scaredy cat, begged her for full body anaesthetic. I wanted to be totally out, sleeping, not feeling a thing, not knowing a thing about what was happening during the process. She looked at my numbers and alhamdulillah she said okay. Ohhh the biggest relief! So if you wanted a detailed info about what happened in the operation theatre i honestly don’t know. Huhu. All i remember was, i was put on the operation table, a nurse put that metal stickers on me for my status, blood pressure checker whatever thingy that was and my left hand was put straight out from my body. The indian doctor who i begged for anaesthetic was sitting on my head, putting an oxygen mask telling me when to inhale and when to exhale. I think she said something about she was gonna poke me with a needle on my left hand but i didn’t really felt anything. Anddd that was all that i remember.

When i woke up i was still in the operation room area, near the registration, on a stretcher. I can feel my left shoulder was pierced earlier and i was super dizzy. And oh the thing will full body anaesthetic is that you need to have a nice blood pressure reading and you don’t have any asthmas or coughing. Because there will be a rubber tube poked down your throat as a breathing support. I didn’t know what happened but that was what the doctor told me. My throat felt a bit sore after that but that was a price i was willing to pay. Funny i realised it was 11pm the time i came out. Earlier that day the doctors said that it was gonna take only like 15 minutes. Apparently mine took almost 2 hours. But i wasn’t gonna say anything, i was relieved i was still alive and things went okay. I slept with a urine catheter that night.

The next morning i was still feeling dizzy but i fought it. A nurse came and took off the urine tube. I was happy thinking i will go home that day so despite feeling like i was walking on clouds, i cleaned myself and sat down a lot. I ate a lot for breakfast and lunch because of the long fast i had the day before. The food there wasn’t so bad at all. All finished lol. Before i was officially discharged, the doctor who performed d&c on me last night came and she explained my condition. Turned out, she did the whole process twice! Because the first time she thought she was done, she did an ultrasound scan and there were still lumps visible. She was satisfied after the second time and she said i was good to go. She also said i need to be there next two months for follow up and to see the result of what was in my uterus (they took a piece of lump and sent it to the lab for analysis) she didn’t know whether it was my baby or just blood. I just hope that it was nothing like a sickness or anything. And after some of the explanations she said i was okay to go by noon.

My husband and kids came at 12 noon. My husband went to settle the bills (which was only RM52) and took my meds and we went out of the hospital together. We went back to my in law's house for a couple of hours and then straight headed to shah alam where i spend the rest of my confinement. My mom came during Chinese new year's break for like 5 day, taking care of me while visiting her long lost friends. And as of today, Friday, im on my 13th day of my confinement. I feel okay and probably not as strong (maybe I’m just scared) but mostly I’m okay alhamdulillah.

Thank you to my husband for taking care of me, never letting me do heavy chores, and most importantly for taking care of the kids when i couldn’t. Thank you to my mak and abah and also along for taking care of the kids when i was in the hospital. Thank you to my mom for coming over and letting me be a baby, i miss you so much. Thank you to my siblings and my friends who were and still are very concern about my wellbeing. Thank you to zahra and muaz for being the big girl and boy that you are. Love all of you so so much.

And to my baby, it was a ride with you. But i guess it is not fate that i see you here. I hope i can see you in the afterlife. Know that i love you so much it hurts. It hurts a lot.

All i can say after this journey is that Allah is the greatest. He can give you a thing and He can take it back. Cherish your life, the people in it. You can be healthy today but ill tomorrow, you never know. Only Allah knows, only Allah can do anything. May we all be blessed always.

Love,
Ummi