I've been down the darkest alleys, saw the dark side of the moon

"Wolves"

In your eyes, there's a heavy blue
One to love, and one to lose
Sweet divine, a heavy truth
Water or wine, don't make me choose

I wanna feel the way that we did that summer night, night
Drunk on a feeling, alone with the stars in the sky

I've been running through the jungle
I've been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you
I've been down the darkest alleys
Saw the dark side of the moon
To get to you, to get to you
I've looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
All for you, yeah, all for you
I've been running through the jungle
I've been crying with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you, to get to you

To get to you
To get to you

Your fingertips trace my skin
To places I have never been
Blindly, I am following
Break down these walls and come on in

I wanna feel the way that we did that summer night, night
Drunk on a feeling, alone with the stars in the sky

I've been running through the jungle
I've been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you
I've been down the darkest alleys
Saw the dark side of the moon
To get to you, to get to you
I've looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
All for you, yeah, all for you
I've been running through the jungle
I've been crying with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you, to get to you

To get to you
To get to you

I've been running through the jungle
I've been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you
I've been down the darkest alleys
Saw the dark side of the moon
To get to you, to get to you
I've looked for love in every stranger
Took too much to ease the anger
All for you, yeah, all for you
I've been running through the jungle
I've been crying with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you, to get to you

WOLVES

ps: i got news. we got news. good news. ehehe

West Coast

assalamualaikum

hi

current earworm. 

West Coast - Lana Del Ray

Down on the West Coast they got a sayin'

"If you're not drinkin' then you're not playin'."

But you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?

Down on the West Coast I get this feeling

Like it all could happen that's why I'm leaving

You for the moment, you for the moment, Boy Blue, yeah, you

Your flyin' high at the show, I'm feeling hot to the touch

You say you'll miss me the most, I say I'll miss you so much

But something keeps me really quiet, I'm alive, I'm a lush

Your love, your love, our love

I can see my baby swingin'

His Parliament's on fire and his hands are up

On the balcony and I'm singing

Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, I'm in love

I can see my sweet boy swayin'

He's crazy y Cubano como yo, my love

On the balcony and I'm saying

Move baby, move baby, I'm in love

I'm in love (I'm in love)

I'm in love (I'm in love)

Down on the West Coast, they got their icons

Their silver starlets, their Queens of Saigons

And you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?

Down on the West Coast, they love their movies

Their golden gods, and rock and roll groupies

And you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?

You push it hard, I pull away, I'm feeling hotter than fire

I guess that no one ever really made me feel that much higher

Te deseo, cariño, boy, it's you I desire

Your love, your love, our love

crown fixed

assalamualaikum

hi

i feel fat. no. i am fat. there. another usual statement right? my friends and family are actually tired of hearing that so you're next. lol. but when i say that to my husband that, he'd make a i-told-you-so-face and say "do something about it". since i can no longer blame muaz and breastfeeding, the reality is hitting me hard in the face. smack! but, im gonna enjoy my peanut butter sandwich and all ice cream i can get for now. im just glad im healthy. eher.

its monday guys! back to your usual in front of computer routine? or munching in front of the tv? im the second category i must say. and life is kind so far alhamdulillah. ahh see so much to be gratful for. why whine? 

so yesterday i was waiting for husband to take us out for weekend day out as per usual, but azrul insisted that i go out alone. i mean, all by myself. i have been so dependant on him, i wouldnt know what to do alone! so i asked maksu to accompany me, kill time and wonder around shopping. yes, i got shoes and boy oh boy padini is having a big sale until 17th of september you should go! what we did was, we went shopping, eating macaroons, sushi and cups and cups of tealive and juiceworks. i peed like 3 times there. and it was fun. my maksu is always there when i need her. she's this earth i need to channel out my negative feelings and thought as i am hers i hope. she left her kids to her husband, my paksu too. so, thank you paksu and my beloved husband for taking care of the kids, i heard you had a great time yourself bringing the kids to playground and blow bubbles. of course at the end of the day, i suddenly miss the kids and him as i saw many couple with kids, reminded me of my own, so i rushed home.

i must say, it is nice to get out once in a while with no kids and husband, just me and myself especially me being a stay-at-home-mother. and i am thankful i have a very considerate husband that he always look out for my mental health lol. but seriously, any mothers would love to go out with their friends and for a few minutes forget about life at home and actually focus on herself, what she wants to eat, instead of thinking about what other tiny humans to eat, walk at her pace, stop anywhere for how long she wants. and at this, the husband needs to be a considerate human being and see his partner as a human being who has needs to communicate with the outside world and do whatever she wishes. and my husband always let me go out do my things, in fact this is not the first time i went out with maksu or any of my friends. its just a few times in a year thing. most of the time of course lah i prefer to go out with my honey bunny kan buat ape pegi dengan orang lain. but its a nice gesture, good husbands would do that.

ok lah for today. im sort of still figuring things out with this mary kay thing im doing, but my kit arrived yesterday so im pretty enthusiastic who wouldnt right? i got a big box of skincare and makeup kot. its like a present i got from myself. ok ok that's it then byeeee.

wearing my thinking hat

assalamualaikum

hi

it is almost all the time that you feel like its certain. what you feel is real. what you're doing is real. but sometimes doubt creeps in. for a female, i guess its almost routine to feel that way, because hormones. and i am like that sometimes. i doubt myself. it is mostly out of nothing and once i let the steam off to my roommate slash husband, i feel better again. but it keeps coming back at me and i dont like that those doubts ruin my days, i thought i should do something about it. and i am. slowly but surely? hopefully.

i have registered myself in a small business i want to be serious about it. and i want to build my dream slowly one page at a time. it is at such moments that you realise that only you can pick yourself up. i mean, my friends are obviously jealous of me that my husband looks after us very carefully and with such love, no doubt about that. what im talking about is what i want to do for myself. because basically my husband cant do it for me. he's very supportive but i gotta stand up and do it myself. finally walking the talk. i hope i am strong enough. and i hope i dont give up. im a sucker for stumbling and crying and retreating. i really want to go for it and if it turned our horrible i hope i will stand by it and make it work no matter what.

haha that's very vague? im just secretive about it. its such a baby i dont want to ruin it. when the time comes. and oh. its not about the small business that im doing because the small business is mary kay and that's not my dream but ok. its something else. we'll see about that?

honestly i have been talking about this since forever, if you read this from the beginning haha. ugh, im so weak. lol

ok bye xoxo

dusk till dawn

ps: we're going to pontian tomorrow. ape best guys?

hired, but

assalamualaikum

hi

after one month of searching and endless applications sent to companies, i got a job! hip hip hooray! it was near us like 15 mins from home. notice the tense though. i politely declined the offer. even though  during the interview i told them things were all figured out. apparently, my husband thinks its best i stay at home and care for the kids. i have to agree with him, not by force, because admit it, the kids are still small, especially muaz. we may sound like we're clingy parents, my husband especially, but im glad he is. im glad he sees that the kids need me with them, im glad that my husband said "i dont think there's anybody out there who can take care of zahra and muaz as good as you do". im glad he sees that im doing the best i can.

and this may be my another sacrifice to the family, but its a sacrifice i am willing to make. and i do it for us. because deciding for the job, he was a bit vague about whether or not i should take it, and knowing how he is, i knew it wasn't right and i rejected the offer even he didn't say the words. he even asked me why i did it. i dont know. it the things you do for your loved ones, for your family. because you are one of them, because perhaps this is not as good as it sounds like, perhaps there is a much better offer in the future, God willing.

as of now, im taking my sweet time staying at home, playing with the kids. because zahra will turn 4 next year, she's gonna be attending preschool, so i still have a few months left treating her like a baby. uhuu. 

perfect

I found a love for me

Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead

Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet

Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was

I will not give you up this time

But darling, just kiss me slow,

Your heart is all I own

And in your eyes you're holding mine

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass,

Listening to our favourite song

When you said you looked a mess,

I whispered underneath my breath

But you heard it,

Darling, you look perfect tonight

Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know

She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

I found a lover to carry more than just my secrets

To carry love, to carry children of our own

We are still kids but we're so in love

Fighting against all odds

I know we'll be alright this time

Darling, just hold my hand

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

When I saw you in that dress

Looking so beautiful

I don't deserve this

Darling, you look perfect tonight

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

I have faith in what I see

Now I know I have met an angel in person

And she looks perfect,

I don't deserve it

You look perfect tonight

ps: its been a while since the last time my oven bakes something. cake tomorrow?

clouds and rainy days

assalamualaikum

hi

and so i found a job online, applied for it and got called the same day. so i was a tad bit excited. mostly because its just a few kilometers away and it pays well. i went to the interview the other day, and pretty sad to say i might not get it. it never took this long for a company to call me and tell me i got the job, at least never happened to me. my husband told me to take my mind off of it and assume i dont get it. easier said than done? pretty bumped because i kinda look forward to it. i was the most excited about it. boohoo. mom and husband sounded like they didnt approve. and i dont know what has gotten into me. i was fine being a housewife (as in my previous post), but suddenly, the opportunity and all the possibilities, suddenly i see a new me, and i can feel fire burning inside me telling me i can do things i havent done in years. ugh i hate this feeling. nonetheless, even in the midst of your doubts and worries, you encouraged me to attend the interview, and maybe towards the end of it said "hey, maybe we can do this?" lol

yeah, we never leave the kids to anybody other than our family members. and the longest was like 4 hours? maybe? my husband is very cautious and he doesn't like leaving the kids to strangers. with the child abuse cases on the rise. and i know he wants to keep his head worry-free. when the kids are with me, he doesnt have to worry, right? knowing the kids are fine with their mother, me. this applies to me too lah. but we kind of looked into baby sitters around here, and we found a number of baby sitter we think fit to care for the kids, making us think that "this is doable" you know? and the people around us too, being very supportive, encouraging me to work, offer to babysit the kids, suggesting babysitters and taskas here. i mean, if i actually get a job someday, im sure it wont be a problem at all. 

well, baby steps.. baby steps. together right ayah? lol the kids dont have much choice here but to think about it, it gives them new experience, having friends and play dates. (we're trying to say all positive things here lol)

all in all, im just carried away with the weather. hey, more reasons for coffeeeee.

too close

ps: i have been watching gossip girl and suddenly it gives me headache

island in the sun

assalamualaikum

hi

sometimes you dont know what you're going to see, what you're going to meet. but you just go. you let your feet take you wherever they're taking you. its not that you dont want to know. or you dont care. sometimes, maybe you want to be surprised. and that is what i am doing. my fingers are knocking the keyboard one by one not knowing what i am about to write. i would like to surprise myself here.

so its tuesday. august 8th. beautiful date. nah not that it has any meaning to me. its a pretty gloomy day indeed. sweater weather. or at least no fan weather. yep, i turned the fan off. im a pure south east asian (unlike my glasgow-born husband LOL).

hey we just got back from our short vacation. i thought i'd give a tip or two about bringing babies and toddlers to a tropical island eh? first of all, make sure the resort you'll be staying provides baby cots (there's extra charges for extra mattress pillows and blankets, of course with a baby cot too) if you're fine with your kids sleeping with you on the bed, fine too. we took one baby cot and one extra mattress (walaupun in the morning all of us 4 cramps in the queen sized bed smh), and plan ahead what kind of activities that you'll be doing and bring things accordingly, for jungle trekking, it is advised to bring sports shoes or at least a sturdy sandal. for kids lah ni im talking about. because zahra's slippers kept falling off. if the baby is small, baby carrier would help too. so you wont have to stop too many times because your arms are about to fall off lol. for pool swimming, you need kiddie floats (buy accordingly to their age). dont ever put them in the pool without floats. beaches are different because of the waves, we dont let them play in the water for too long and the kids fancy the sand and the seashells more so you probably dont need floats for beach. and yes, sand playing set. two kids, two sets okay? no sharing. most crucial, swimming attire, make sure they wear long sleeves swimming tops. so zahra no more bikini. the material dries quickly so you can just air the swimming tops and trunks, they should be dry enough for next dip. save spaceeeee. and of course sunblock for the kids. muaz looked a bit like a steamed lobster, that poor little guy. lol. sunnies and hats or caps! and the kids wont need any goggles, snorkeling stuff yet if they still cant talk, just dont buy any of that yet okay? additional tip, we bring a basket like a laundry basket. its perfect for dumping any extra things, toys, floats, dirty laundry, so you can bring one if you like. boat friendly dont worry. lastly, bring a bibik there haha! so you can have a moment for yourself and partner. we were lucky we have family members working at the resort so the kids, especially muaz selalu kena ambik bawak main dgn staff. he loved it lah of course. we had our fair amount of time snorkelling together side by side because their uncle took care of them main sand castle tepi pantai with them. so, bibik! important! lol. eh before i forget, snacks! the snacks on the island mahal macam machine gun, so if you and your kids are munchers, better bring your own snacks, biscuits, cookies, cakes, bread, even canned drinks and carton drinks. so that's that i guess?

oh! i'd like to thank my baby boo for bringing all of us to the island. we love you so much. last night zahra asked about the beach she must be missing it. i know i miss it. the times we shared with our family there is so priceless. and him having zero internet connection and spent 100% of his time with us is very appreciated. thank you again husband. nanti bawak lagi okay? hehehe. also thank you cik intan, our maksu and bibi, our brother. you island people rock!

okay then, till next time. this seems like a not so proper post because i left the kids dipping in the pails. dorang dah panggil dah tu. so okay bye!

ps: masak aglio olio pedal ayam kut hari ni. fusionnn.

Domestic Goddess

assalamualaikum

hi

well, life is great. i think i am more than blessed. watching and hearing all these stories and issues from other people about their lives sure put mine into perspective. and i have dreams im not ready to give up. baby steps i guess.

so today im going to tell you about *drum roll* not my dreams *drum roll* being a full time housewife. i was raised by a mother and a father and also grandparents. since my dad wasnt practically around, leaving his duties to my granda i wasnt seeing much of a fatherly roles in him but my granda was good at filling the holes my dad always kept empty. and my mom was for a few years a housewife and then she became a secondary school teacher. most of my time, i spent with my grandparents, my grandma to be exact. and seeing how much females in our family has to work, i was embedded with the idea that women should work. i mean, my grandma was our nanny, she cooked and took care of us, and it was great but she always remind me that every girl should work. never rely on your husband yada yada. so i look up to my mom, wanted to be like her, working. and it was never my intention to be a housewife, ever. but look what i do now. lol

its a battle really. to convince myself that this is good, this is sufficient. i mean like, i wasnt working as a high chief somewhere but i worked for a brief moment and i liked it. and being married and have kids, kind of closing every doors in front of me and i feel like im stopped by an invisible hand. as i mentioned in previous posts, i went to several interviews and failed and succeed. you know how it feels like when you fail interviews, right? but when i succeed all these waves of feelings come to me all at once shaking my thin palm tree of fearing of what will happen to my kids. yes, the one fragile thing i love most in the world, my kids. my husband is not fragile, he can take care of himself, so i know he'd be fine either way. but with my kids, i tremble at the thought of leaving them to people they dont know, total stranger. ok lah, they might learn about the stranger and probably like her. so will my kids love her more than me, the person who they only see 2 days a week, the person who only put them to bed every other night? not only that, will the nanny love them like i do? kiss them when they fall? never scold them if they do anything wrong? will she has the patience and love? and every other things like what will they eat and drink, what kind of tv program will she let them watch and if there is other kids around, will they be nice to my babies? imagine thinking about that all at once. i cried the night i knew i got the job as an english editor in puchong. i turned the job down the next day. 

does i feel any regret? no. in my head, i just want to do something that benefits me and the kids. days can be rough sometimes, i have sleep deprived, i cant eat properly, i cant even pee properly. but these tiny humans are growing in front of me. i see they literally grow inch by inch. i cooked their food with love and sweat and probably some screaming but they love everything i do and everything i give them. most importantly, they love me. they would choose me over anybody in the world. i dont have to ask anyone about my babies, i know them. i know the meaning of their cries even their facial expressions. so doing what i do now, is what's best for me. for anybody else? i dont know lah. 

so what we're doing now is growing together, the kids and i. thank God our families are very supportive and never question our decisions. and there is actually more about being a housewife i wanted to write. maybe in the next post ya? because ya Allah this is a challenging job lol. but so so fun. see you soon.

muaz is napping. zahra just put a couple of puzzle in front of me saying they're stones. last night they were gold coins. i gotta go. ummi has work to do. 

ps: sometimes the hardest question at my job is, what to cook for dinner.

a special one ikat tepi

assalamua'laikum

hi

this is an appreciation post. for the one who i just found that is actually an avid reader of this blog. i mean, i know that person reads from time to time but now i know its a daily thing. like opening your daily email, newspaper or facebook feed.

this is obviously a nothing blog. not a single information about anything. except my life as a mother and wife. and i dont even post that much anymore. but that person keeps coming back. 

i dont know what to say but i think you're so sweet. lol. and honestly it drives me to write as much as to stop right now. because there's ACTUALLY a reader. im a paradox, hence the stance. *awkward laugh

baby, you know im awkward right? sometimes things just dont make sense. or maybe things just are, maybe im just in this typhoon of self doubt and hormones, and sometimes i drag you in. but you're that strong pole, a big rock, a sturdy lasso. you catch me. you hold me and you actually never let me go and calms me into knowing that the world is fine, and that i am fine. and that i can do things, and i can figure out life. and you? you stay there where you are with the kids. like some kind of immune, aren't even shook by whatever storm i carry. you're amazing. and that is an understatement.

i stood still too long. i get used to holiday phase. the same routine and i can see the world is moving. so fast. but i am not. i cant even pick myself up in the morning to eat like whats the point? and honestly, i have given up many times. i have resorted to being 50 at 30. but you know i haven't shut down my fire entirely. and you believed. and remember that night you told me my writing was awesome? i dream happy dreams. you, and only you have that power.

so, basically i dont know what else to say. except i love you baby. remember i told you i made a poem about you? maybe in another post. so you have something to read everyday aside from those facebook comments and 9gag right? XD

ps: i seriously dont know how many times have my heart felt this electric/cold/shiver for you. but i want to feel it for the rest of my life. 

Mother's Day and Nameday

Assalamualaikum

Happy mother's day to all mommies and even if you're not, bet you have that mother instincts in you. *throws confetti

In conjunction with the one day of the year that everyone mention mothers even we still have to work our asses off but the thoughts are just sweet, i'd like to talk about my babies. Well, they are the ones that make me moms so why not. Plus it has been months since my last post. I dont give up but who has the times. I do have a few minutes of lying down but to come up with a lengthy post, maybe not enough time to do so.

So, im going to tell you how we name the kids. The kids' name obviously dont reflect any of us unlike others' kids that is trending now. Even their intials. First of all with zahra i named her myself. All my idea. Well you have no idea how hard it is to name a kid. That pressure! The thought of that kid is going to carry the name all through her life and to the heaven. As some know, we first thought she was a boy, so we were going to name her Mohd Haris. After things got sour and i found out zahra was a she, i looked up the internet looking for ideas. Of course happy now that i know it is a baby girl and there are these cute baby girl's names. Oh the pressure again. With pronunciations and meanings. Maybe because i had to name her myself or because it was suddenly a girl or i dont know maybe because its my first baby so i wanted to make it perfect. Also i had the liberty of naming her whatever i wanted nobody is going to say anything. Pressureee. I had the choice of naming her like me, putting Sari in her name. Or name her Sofea, my almost-name when i was baby. Or naming her Melissa, a 2004 story, Azrul and i had this when we were younger if we had a baby we were going to name her Melissa. Lol. Teenagers. Or name her with A initial. And then, it occured to me that i dont want zahra to be me. Or be in my shadow. I want her to be herself. She is a clean slate. She will have her own identity that starts from zero. She doesnt have to carry any of our names or even initials. That was when i looked for the best meaning for her. And it was Izz meaning strength. And Zahra meaning flower and sparkles something like that.

And with Muaz i thought it would be easier lah knowing that my husband can decide for both of us. I gave him the total power to name him. And yes again we thought muaz was a girl. So first we liked the name Auni. Not because the initial A because i already told Azrul about the total detachment from us thing. But i just found the name so sweet and calming. And thennnnn, we found out actually it was a boy. So yeah, chaos kejap. We practically looked for boy's names every night since we found out his gender. I liked something old school. Well honestly i forgot what! Lol. First we like Muaz. It was a battle between Muaz and Muiz. We decided on Muaz. And then we found the name Ziqri. My husband likes it so we went with that.

It was totally a coincidence that the two has that Zs in their names. Izz Zahra and Muaz Ziqri. And only months after we started calling Muaz as Muaz that we realised that why didnt we call him Ziqri. Hmm. Well, maybe her friends or girlfriends will call him that right?

Third baby? Maybe when Muaz is in kindergarten. I will let my friends catch up. I love the fat belly and endless no regrets eating but i guess i should focus on the two for now. They are both very clingy and manja. I would want to focus on loving them until they grow up a bit and then we will try another baby. InsyaAllah.

Ok then. See you when i see you. And hey, may Allah give the best to you. Lots of love and peace. :)

Ps: im in Malcolm in the Middle marathon and working out in the mornings. Who am i anymore? Lol

Ada Apa Dengan Ansari

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Maybe tak ada apa dengan Ansari. Tapi yang paling sayang Ansari, nama dia Azrul.

Puisi Rangga

Bandara dan udara memisahkan New York dan Jakarta
Resah di dadamu dan rahasia yang menanti di jantung puisi dipisahkan kata
Begitu pula rindu
Antara pulau dan seorang petualang yang gila
Seperti penjahat dan kebaikan dihalang ruang dan undang-undang
Seorang ayah membelah anak dari ibunya dan sebaliknya
Atau senyummu dinding di antara aku dan ketidakwarasan
Persis segelas kopi tanpa gula pejamkan mimpi dari tidur
Apa kabar hari ini?
Lihat tanda tanya itu 
Jurang antara kebodohan dan keinginanku memilikimu sekali lagi.

Mirip. Walaupun tak sama. Airport. Senyuman tu. Jantung jatuh lagi dan lagi.

"Kadang-kadang kau pikir, lebih mudah mencintai semua orang daripada melupakan satu orang. Jika ada seorang terlanjur menyentuh inti jantungmu, mereka yang datang kemudian hanya akan menemukan kemungkinan-kemungkinan"

True love never dies. Semoga berpanjangan. Semoga bersama. Semoga bahagia. Semoga senyum selalu. Sampai tua. Sampai mati. Sampai syurga.

Suddenly mushy because i can. Sayang suami dapat pahala. Kbai!