acid fingerprints

 assalamualaikum and hi

im done promising you post about this and that when im just going into the cave for another year of hiatus. it is what it is. this year im turning 40 or these people keep saying 39A. kinda clever but cringy right? end of last year we moved to the north. totally alien to us. but i guess it is what it is. im never one to rebel about changes. im well aware that life is just keep moving forward. i guess i accepted my fate that im just in constant fate of moving. but last time we stayed quite long there, so it broke my heart a bit. i actually cried lol. the town the people really left their fingerprints on my heart. im still sad but we'll manage right? alhamdulillah life is going ok. kids are in new school. new routines. nothing to complain. i guess this new year is a new adventure for us. adventure to learn about this new place, the language, the food. im not resisting any new things except maybe my tastebuds but again, we'll manage.

overall just thankful to Allah the almighty. we look forward to what the future holds for us. praying for only good things for our family. just this today. i hope i write again soon lol. love you babes, thank you for reading <3

ps: thinking about teaching English here idk maybe

Flashed Junk Mind

25th September

 assalamualaikum and hi

azrul and i go way back. since 2004. and today, 25th September 2022, we have known each other for 18 years. some years we were apart but we were always in touch maybe as friends or even enemy lol. i think that's what make it unshakable about him. i have loved him and i have also hated him oh god i cant even describe how much i hated him. and perhaps he hated me too. and that is understandable, i mean im not even mad. fate. its an amazing thing.

whenever we talked about the time we met, i dont really remember because i was always reserved and i dont really put my head up to see people's faces so its a blur. i just remember the time i saw his pic wearing AVON marathon shirt, God i laughed so hard as i thought that was funny. you know, being that avon is mostly women's products. now when i think about that, i was so stupid lol. but i didnt know him yet that time, i only really saw him one day when i was sick or like i had a fever but maybe i was just lazy, felt like not going to class. i was all by myself in my room thinking about how hungry i was and i should get lunch but my dry food was also depleting so as everyone was in class, i went to the shop only to find him there with a couple of our classmates too. omg i was surprised and i didnt want them to see me bcs i was basically ponteng lah kan lol. dah la that time i bought so many things like maggi and milo so i carried a big plactic bag! malu weh. i tried hiding in the shop but they wont just go away and Brey even got into the shop argh. so i just gi mampus im going back to my hostel. BUT azrul being the loud person he issss he had to call me and idk say something i guess. i walked quickly but they saw me. with the big plastic bag of all sort of food. so embarrassing lah T.T back at my room, i thought die lah like this they saw me, i had no choice but i had to go to evening class lah macam ni i thought what if they tell everyone i was perfectly healthy kan?? even though they probably just laugh it off and wont tell anyone pun bcs duhh they dont care about other people pun. that evening i went to class lah, was a bit angry bcs i wanted to rest goddd. i sat with Paan, we always sat together until she got out of matrix and went some place else. so after that class azrul sneakily went to paan and asked for my number. and paan told me after that and that night azrul texted me. haa that was the beginning lah lol

we started texting and doing the 3 seconds call thing to save credit haha and he asked if i could teach him english. seriously that was the weakest excuse to ask me out on a date. i mean i saw it but i liked him so i said yeah ok and we agreed to meet in the library. it was night and i was there first, found a table and i sat there. unluckily the table was directly under the ac. it was freaking cold honest to god but there was no other table so i had no choice. waited for him for a while and he came with his friends. i was always scared or shy of his friends, like i said i was reserved sheesh. i dont know, they looked like old dudes, old and scary and some convicted felons hm cowie. so back to azrul, walking down the stairs, he was damn tall lol and honestly i didnt know what to teach him, like i said most terrible excuse to date lol but we kinda talked i guess and then, the best part -- we walked, he walked me to my hostel but we stopped at the stairs. the magical stairs ^_^ and sat and we talked. oh but before that, since we sat directly under the ac and it was cold, he got his lips chipped that it started bleeding lol ok that was all, bet he felt silly about that.

ok, i dont know about him, but that time we sat on the stairs was the best moment in my life. one single best moment in my life. if there were a field of flowers in my body, each and every flowers on that field bloomed. like can you imagine the air and the sight, so full. so there, we talked about stupid things. about our family maybe? about life bcs when we were young we had these ideas right? and all that felt right to be said out loud especially to someone we care. anyway, the details were a blur but we talked for a while up until his friends called him lol and funny thing, his phone ringtone was the stroke's song, 12.51. which coincidentally mine too but my tempo was faster so he said hey that's not right and he fixed it. we later said our goodbyes and i walked home and he walked the other way but i couldnt stop smiling and i saw him smile too. i remember feeling like i didnt want to go home lol. so that was it, how i met azrul.

and to think that i married that young person and carried his children and sharing my life with him. alhamdulillah is all i can say. we have our weaknesses and shortcomings but we made it to this day together and i cant even ask for anything else.

i saw somewhere, they were asking in this life what thing would you want to redo and i dont think i want to redo anything because everything that happened, everything i did, everything he did, everything anybody did lead us here, to this day. i mean we went our separate ways and that kept us apart yes. but that road we took alone was a learning process. obviously me and him, we had to go learn about those things away from each other. like we went and explored and made mistakes and learnt from them. only to be a better person so when we are wiser, we can meet again and be the best version of us to each other.

azrul, pojad and i

12:51

ps: he saw i was writing this long post and maybe he'll read this later so i want to tell him that i love you pakcik XD

4 for fighting

 assalamu'alaikum and hi!

did i tell you? we had another baby! XD so im officially a mother of 4. yes, we think that's a lot of kids too lol but alhamdulillah she is finally here with us. i feel like telling you all about her in another post, maybe not this one because this one is a quick short one as i am finally free from rocking her in her swing like finally T_T i had such a great sleep last night it feels like ages so all praise to Allah.

so life is pretty much the same but also with more colours as the kids are getting bigger. they have their school stuff and friends stuff and cousins stuff and their hobbies. i am this SAHM who lives vicariously through my kids lol their whatever are my deals too

okie see you in another post because my husband is coming home any minute now! xoxo

space song

love,

ansari

just because

 assalamualaikum and hi

it feels liberating to be able to write again. i mean like this. to say these words. not that anybody restricted me before. azrul in fact begged me to write more. but i was just meh. maybe life was too much. life is much too as i am speaking. i dont know what but my hormones are pushing me right now lol ahh at my age, this could only be caused by some family planning pills.

i guess it could mean that i need some time to adjust, tune, align?

family is great. azrul's career is going on great. kids are healthy alhamdulillah. parents are healthy too. nothing to complain. this perfect moments seem perfect. Allah is the greatest.

me. how about me? you know as a mom, when i became a mom, i signed up for limbo. i have no idea for how long this limbo is going to last, but im there now. turned 35 i think i am handling limbo better.

also talking about being 35, is it normal that i feel like i want life to begin now. what the hell im 35 with a family, what else to begin? or is this an MCO effect? you feel me?

a random pic of me and the love my life. see azrul's ring? well its gone now, lost it masa camping kat kaki genting. please notice my star and moon bracelet thank you azrul mehehe

talk

ps: i know i should write about our 3d2n camping experience but wait aaaa XD

that day i thought my chest was on fire

 assalamualaikum and hi

originally the plan was to go camping at this campsite that needs a bit of hiking or trekking, quite deep into the woods but the river is so amazing. but Allah knows best that suddenly azrul became a covid close contact. we didn't want to risk anybody at the campsite because he needed to be in quarantine at least until he got his PCR test result la kan. i was devastated lah we bought so many camping equipment haha

but after he got his result and it was negative kitorg redah je went for a short hike and mandi2 je la, day trip. and it was a new experience, so fun, i love love love the river, the sao paulo pool!

so the things we brought pun tak banyak, just one pair of change for each person, of which we didnt even change there pun, we changed in the car. we wore sports shoes because i dont want to risk kids tripping over the roots, sebab situ jalan entrance dia menurun, nak balik karang kena hike. so masa pegi tu memang easy peasy lemon squeezy, karang nak balik berkicap. i carried a big bag, azrul carried zuyyin. muaz carried his sand toys, he insisted, kakak no bag. like i said, it was easy reaching the river.

there, fara and her aunt punya family dah camping kt situ for one night. we ate a bit, main2 air, borak2 until la zuyyin sleepy dia mcm biasa la perlu hammock haha. once she was asleep, fara and jit took us to the sao paulo pool or satu lubuk kat situ yang dalam, people go there to terjun tiruk, memang best tau. and i jumped! one time with a life jacket. so scaryyy, fara said she jumped but dia tak lompat pun i sorang je lompat wwuuw but since it was deep, and i wore life jacket so it was so fun floating in there oh best nye i miss it lol kids had a lot of fun too. i think that was the highlight of our trip haha

pastu rest a bit and eat more talk more, until it rained and for the first time we saw air sungai jadi deras sikit and we got out and suddenly the river jadi brown, maybe a small kepala air kut. so the kids tau la things to watch out since it happens in front of their eyes, good experience. 

and in the end, we helped fara and her aunt's family carry their things up. ok the hard part begin lol i carried zuyyin, azrul helped them lah i just made sure kids were safely there sampai dekat kereta. fiza pun sama, she carried asma' and we hiked together sampai atas. almost dekat atas tu i started feeling warm in my chest oh my God seriously i was like am i ok is this heart attack lol masa tu tak kelakar la. jastin kat belakang he was like sari ok ke haha. i tried to not to push myself too much and made a lot of stops nearing the top tu kot that was why he asked. i am undeniable not fit at all plus i carried zuyyin in front of my body, the weight and all that lah. pikir2 balik that was dangerous and i will not carry her masa hiking anymore not kidding hahaha

but alhamdulillah we made it, we rested in the car while waiting for the guys and the 2 families sampai ke atas, helped the put the things in the car and all that. pastu we took pics for the memories haha. it was drizzling lah mcm tu time tu but alhamdulillah nobody got sick i guess. better that last time balik dari kaki genting adam and jastin demam huhu.

so as a conclusion, for family camping, better find a campsite yang tak perlu hike no matter the distance, hiking dengan wagon pun payah, they got their wagons terbalik many times tau. kalau a bit jauh, jalan normal is fine if you have wagon, kalau takde wagon susah gak la nk carry kan, benda bukan sikit haha

hiking with kids checked off bucket list! ok i will tell you our solo (just the 5 of us) 3 days 2 nights camping experience in my next post k! enjoy the pics, nothing much just the pics from FB

i lived

ps: eh hello im 35. happy belated birthday to me mehehe

Cerita Camping with Kids

 assalamualaikum and hi

so the other week, we went camping with kids. was almost impromptu didnt have much time planning pun. on? on! macam tu je decide. and since we dont own a tent except for the small one kids buat main and the one we brought picnic, itu je lah yang ada, we rent one along with some other things. so i'd like to tell you guys about our experience bringing kids pegi camping dalam hutan lol

im a plan freak with anxiety i guess lol. so i was kinda serabut pikir nak bawak apa what to eat all those things lah. sebab with kids kan? ok first! the place! it was near dusun bonda the glamping situ tu. this camping site before dusun bonda. we had to cross the river, air cetek that time sebab panas and ada rope to hold on to. the things we can put on a water tank, float je to the other side haa gitu. the day we came, i cross the river dukung zuyyin pegang tali je, the kids, kakak and muaz letak dalam water tank husband teacher Fara, Jit yang tolak dorg with our things. azrul cross mcm biasa la with things jugak. balik tu anak2 can cross sendiri, we let them hold the rope.

yang pergi camping nya 4 family all with kids. teacher Fara and his husband Jit ada 4 kids, us 3 kids, Fiza and Justin ada 3 kids and lastly Khairi and Sarina with their special baby Adam with Down Syndrome. ok the tents! so i mentioned we dont have tents of our own so kitorg sewa this service dekat subang. service excellent except for the part they forgot our cooking essentials but its ok confusing sebab i add on last minute all was good very recommended. we took Arpenaz 4.2 spacious ada 2 bilik left and right with a common area kt tengah, looks proper la. tengah boleh letak barang2 and solat. kalau ada small table pun boleh letak. but for us agak too big rasa membazir pulak ruang kt tengah. nak pasang tu senang je, first time memang terkial2 tapi once you know, easy je. azrul la yang cakap sebab dia pasang dengan khairi lol. khairi pun takde tent sendiri so dia pun sewa dari org yang sama as we did. azrul yang amekkan easy one go je kan. sebab dia bertiga je so dia amek quechua mh100, servis sewa tent tu pun ada 2 jenis tu je la so far ni. oh btw khairi ni kawan tempat keje azrul. while fara and fiza ada tent sendiri dorg baru beli deer creek very nice and ventilation nampak nice lah. and anak2 fara 2 org tido dalam hammock so tak la sempit pun tent dia tu. menarikkan suruh anak tido dalam hammock lol

the day kitorg sampai, pagi setup tent semua sampai tengah hari. we had our breakfast in the car makan sandwich we bought dekat petrol station je. fiza bawak nasi lemak n mee goreng mcm tu, lunch habiskan tu semua je. memang plan lunch makan apa ada or tapau je no masak2 sebab nk setel letak barang sume kan. once all done baru la boleh fokus relax and riadah. tapi anak2 time ni dah riang ria dalam air dah. good thing situ family area ramai budak dan adults tengokkan jadi tak risau lepas pandang anak sekejap2. plus, fara and jit sampai dulu, dorg dah setup semua so jit la tengokkan budak2 lol. fara setup gazebo. oh haa we took one gazebo for cooking. so tents sekeliling gazebo. tepi gazebo ada campfire yg dorg dah buat cantik with bench and everything, just bawak net and arang je la. kayu api pun dorg provide cantik2 ada special small hut so cute lol

for the food, cooking item mostly brought by fara because she has all the things dia paling expert haha. ada stove, gas and burners semua tu la. we did rent one stove tapi rupanya gas beli sendiri lol. tapi agak helpful ada extra stove sebab cepat sikit nak masak tu kan. oh best thing about the site is that kat situ ada plug point! so easy nak charge phone, i even brought electric kettle, senang haa masak air lol. and the gazebo pun ada one wall fan, tak la panas, anak2 nak tido pun boleh atas tu. we should have brought zuyyin's swing sebab ada je org bawak and pasang kat gazebo tu, sebab zuyyin tido buai jadi tumpang hammock, tapi lama jugak dia tido walaupun panas lol ok back to the food, other people bawak cups and plates sendiri mcm tu la. we planned juga nak makan apa like sandwich, bread, nugget, bakar2 ayam, ikan bakar, nasi, sardin things like that. so sebab lunch habiskan breakfast je, petang makan sandwich sardin and nugget. oh i tried buat waffle dekat situ bawak tepung bancuhan sume tu but waffle maker rosak T_T so lari plan waffle kat situ. malam bakar ikan, ayam and marshmallow for the kids. fiza ada bawak lokching so makan lokching tu la jugak lol. the next day i buat nasi goreng sardin. habiskan nasi semalam and sardin. fara buat small burgers dgn nugget. air mineral azrul beli byk botol besar tu, so air memang byk, nak air panas je pakai kettle letrik. nak basuh pinggan semua tu ada sink khas dekat dengan toilet cuma kena jalan sikit. kalau malas just basuh kat sungai. and oh, ada kepala paip near every gazebo. i think itu kepala paip utk mandi but takde walls so anak2 je la mandi situ. boleh jugak basuh pinggan situ, i kan malas nak jalan, i basuh situ je.

that is the sum of our camping trip i guess. and we're going camping again next week! this time we will be more prepared and i hope better at planning and organizing. but still we dont have our own tent, we'll be renting one yang campsite tu punya base M, excited nak try sebab azrul ada cakap nak beli tu so boleh la try dulu kan? huhu and this coming trip takde letrik tau. dia bagi generator je. sounds scary but fun! lol

good things to have:

• tent
• stove and gas
• hammock
• chairs
• water shoes
• life jacket
• clear box to put your things, easy to carry
• wagon
• outdoor hijab
• powerbank
• lots of lights and lamps

here are a few pics, banyak sangat kalau nak letak so i letak yang senonoh je la lol

started with you

ps: shaima cakap ini ke ansari yang saya kenal? because this is not me, i dont do outdoors but welp here i am hahahaa

bluebird

 assalamualaikum and hi!

it has been a while since i layan some bukowski. and i came across this again. love tom o'bedlam's narration, always have always will.

i think what i think about melancholy, about heartbreaks, about pain is somewhat a happiness. because i was used to it. and i create better with sadness. words come out better. ideas look promising lol. and bukowski said that in the poem.

but he has a blue bird in his heart. a happiness. something good. and i have that too. only difference wass that he kept the blue bird inside. and i cherish my blue bird. and the outcomes are different.

obviously his book sales skyrocketed. and im this. but my blue bird is free. im happy. and that is good for me. but kinda bad for what i used to be, referring to how i write. i used to write about this if you read my old posts. cant find it.

haha

do you get it? ahh im just transferring some pics to the pc. and im killing some time.

see you when i see you. 

bluebird

love,

ansari

enjoying melancholy

 assalamua'laikum and hi

its fascinating that the reason i come here is because of some trending song that become an ear worm its hard to get rid of this one.

probably best if i don't share the song bcs wth ansari this is a blog not youtube.

i'm dealing with a massive heartbreak, i think my heart literally breaks, i think i felt a sharp pain in my chest. but i will not go into that yet. i'm not ready. i want to talk about something else. about my boring life maybe. this mundane, boring, quiet, plain vanilla life.

honestly speaking though, i don't know who reads this anymore. i think azrul is too busy with his work he doesn't have time to stop by anymore. i'm not complaining, its not like i have new posts everyday. this blog is a cave full of spiderwebs. but i like it here sometimes. a place i can write whatever yeah probably best that nobody is here anymore lol. but i see some traffic, idk who comes but hello fellow human. make yourself at home.

as i said, life is boring. but hectic at times. because we live with schedules. i try to make a routine for all of us. to make sure tiny humans are well fed, given all kinds of nutrients they need. at the right time, you know. not late, not too soon. and so far so good. everything is on schedule. tiny humans are not so tiny anymore. they have this attitudes of their own. makes me smile, driving me mad sometimes. oh such life.

i actually got indoor plants you guys. like seriously 4 pots of them. but 3 are alive, i wont say thriving but they are alive lah. one is a bit dry and i don't know where to put it. wondering whether i should repot it. this is crazy. why do i bring this upon myself. in between life, i try to execute this porch project. we have successfully put a porch dining set. is it for dining? i have no clue but there are 2 chairs and 1 table. we kinda relax there in the evening, get a breather, watch tiny human run around things like that.

and i envision this shelf or rack where i can put my plants. thinking of getting some herbs and ulam kinda plants. mostly plants we can eat and consume. and i got some from my neighbour. but i haven't got the rack or shelf yet. i think i want to do it slowly. because if i do it too quick and the project is done and then what? right? lol

ahh i guess that's it then. maybe i will post the pictures of my plants. maybe ya maybe. haha

ps: coffee stain on my notebook looks like a black halo. or nice scented hula hoops.

Remember That Night?

 Assalamualaikum and hi!

The day after you said goodbye

All I did was lay in bed and cry

But after one month, I started to move on

And after two, I felt alright

Then three months in, you were off my mind

And month four and five, I was living my life

I was better and didn't have to try

Not to think of you, 'til you reached out

And said, "Remember that night?"

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

The day after you had reached out

I was broken for the second time around

I prayed on the third day that I would be okay

That I'd forget you were ever mine

Oh, I don't think you realize

How long I had to fight to be living my life

To be better and never have to try

Not to think of you until you reached out

And said, "Remember that night?

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

 

 

ps: I know it has been a gajilion years but every song remind me of Azrul. The heart break song, the happy song, the serenading song. Every one of it. And this one reminds me of my upm years. Some nights Azrul would come to my hostel and he’s taken me to a mamak or some mcd and we’d talk. Then we’d go to a Putrajaya bridge and talk talk talk some more. He was my friend, and I love him. I love love him. We’d hold hands for hours. He’d drive us to wherever I don’t know, he didn’t know lol. And at the end of the night he’d send me back, I’d look at him, butterflies in my stomach, my heart fell into my gut. God it was always him. The one I loved and still love.

Anyone

 Assalamualaikum and hi!

Just lyrics of a current earworm. makes me think of my soulmate, Azrul.

Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold

Sleep with me here in the silence

Come kiss me, silver and gold

You say that I won't lose you, but you can't predict the future

So just hold on like you will never let go

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (Ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (Anyone), not anyone

Forever's not enough time to (Oh)

Love you the way that I want (Love you the way that I want)

'Cause every mornin', I'll find you (Oh)

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you, but you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love (Only one, I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (I've ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (It's not anyone, not anyone)

Oh-oh-oh-oh

If it's not you, it's not anyone

Oh-oh-oh, yeah, woah

Yeah, you are the only one I'll ever love (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya, yeah, oh-oh-oh-oh)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (Ever done, oh, yeah)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

Of My 2020

 assalamualaikum and hi!

Of my 2020:

+ Kakak started school for a whole year (supposedly) prev year she only attended her kindy for approximately 6 months.

+ Celebrated her birthday at school with friends as she always wanted.

+ We survived MCO. We all did. Good job to all.

+ I had to discontinue my tuition classes due to covid19.

+ I gave birth to Zuyyin on 31st August. Endured long hours contraction. Yay me.

+ Shed like 10kgs during confinement, although i might have gained a few kgs after confinement oopsie.

+ Zuyyin attended her first wedding in KB. We traveled back and forth Klang-KB that confinement period oopsie.

+ I started selling mochi in my confinement. And still running.

+ We lost our beloved uncle on my husband's side to covid19. May Allah bless his soul and grant him heaven.

The year admittedly was terrible. But there were a few sunshines and rainbows. We ended the year with a loss. I wish for everyone to stay healthy. I pray that this pandemic ends soon so we can get back to our normal lives. Everyone in my life, i love you all and ibu, happy birthday! We love you so much cant wait to see you!

ps: i guess some points are missing but these are the gist. goodbye 2020!

Daisy Do

 assalamualaikum & hi!

so our kids are obsessed with cocomelon now. and i found this song and its so cute because i love daisy. and this song is for you azrul! haha

Daisy, Daisy
Give me your answer, do
I’m half crazy all for the love of you!
It won’t be a stylish marriage
I can’t afford a carriage
But you’ll look sweet
Upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two

ps: in this sweater weather, everything is so slow and calm. im not in kota bharu enjoying the monsoon but here is just as fine. i reverted everything on my blog to the original blogger! omg reminiscing good old blogging day. do you like it?

love,

ansari

Meeting Zuyyin

 assalamualaikum and hi!

dah lama tak membebel kat sini tau2 dah anak 3 lol. nombor tiga kita diberi nama Naaz Zuyyin bt Azrul Amirul Rashid. sebab dia bongsu (tutup kilang), maka dia special sikit. special dia lahir hari merdeka, 31 ogos 2020. historic khenn.

pregnancy kali ni i ada gdm la adoi. sebab overwieght, bmi terlebih. mula@ minum air gula tu steady lagi. kena second tu sangkut aaaa. masa tu down la sedih takut jadi pape kat baby la bla bla. pastu sape suruh gemuk kan?? maka bermula la episod kena jaga makan. kena cek bsp 4 kali sehari ulang alik klinik. ada gak terpikir nak beli alat cek gula tu tp dh 28 minggu kot masa tu. macam dh dekat nk bersalin kan. mula cek bsp dah fail sebab malamnya makan nasik, kurang sayur, sayur timun je mana cukup nya yeop. pastu down lagi, balik bedal donut 2 bijik aje gile tak pikir langsung main makan je. merah lagi bacaan. pastu doktor advice makan suku2 separuh, banyakkan sayur bla bla so i insof dan berazam nak maintain bacaan jangan merah la. alhamdulillah lepas2 tu bacaan ok takde merah dah. lepas kena psiko dengan doktor. doktor ugut nak bagi ubat. taknakkk.

yang bestnya hikmah dari kena kencing manis time pregnant ni alhamdulillah nampak la gaya hidup sihat dan berat pun turun. walaupun pregnant, i tak naik mendadak, beranak pun nampak la berat kepala no 5 tu dah lama tak nampak no 5 depan tu kan hahaha. azamnya nak maintain je la, walaupun dugaan kuat melanda haa.

ok tu pasal gdm kan. yang lain2 alhamdulillah tak isu pape pun semua ok je. part nak menunggu beranak pulakkk. ikutkan sejarah, zahra & muaz dua2 keluar minggu ke38. disebabkan i ada gdm, jd doktor ckp by hook or by crook baby kena keluar minggu 40 tak boleh lewat, kalau one day before due tak beranak gak, induce. perkataan induce tu scary ok. so minggu 38 tu i dah cuak gila bila la nk keluar si zuyyin ni. i buat keje rumah, bersih toilet, gerak sana sini, sexy time dengan azrul. finally ada la tanda2 nak bersalin tu. until satu malam tu i terjaga sebab contraction. gi toilet, ada darah mengalir. cuak tp lega jugak la. masa tu contraction steady 5 minit sekali. makan kurma, gi mandi, solat. bagitau fairuz nak pegi hospital dah. masa tu fairuz yg standby kat umah tengok2an zahra muaz. so ingatkan nak masuk labour room terus la kan. rupanya2 baru 2cm warded. tiba2 contraction jd main2 cemtu je. tp takde la boleh tido pun, tak sempat nk rest sangat la. whole day nervous cemtu je la bila la nak naik bukaan tu kan. sepanjang kat wad tu i jalan la sikit2 solat mcm biasa until dh contaction kuat i duk atas kerusi je. nurse pun bagi makan makanan utk org kencing manis la, diet jugek. wad i duduk tu semua yg induce, semua kencing manis la kesimpulan nya haha. sebelah i induce, doktor masuk ubat, tak terbuka jalan gak, doktor masuk belon lagi kesian kat dia. 

ok berbalik kepada masa menunggu zuyyin nak keluar. so i masuk was 4 pagi la katakan. pukul 10 malam baru betul2 contraction kuat. kuat yang i pegang katil tu, katil bergegak, sila imagine. sakit dia terpaling sakit, kalah masa zahra & muaz. i tak nangis tapi i jadi stress sebab dah lama tunggu. buka sikit je masa tu 6 cm. rasa nak teran je. taktau la i jadi manja ke apa tapi sungguh rasa sakit yang takleh nak cerita, lain dr previous deliveries. i mintak ubat dgn nurse. tiba2 jantung baby tak steady pulak, tp finally nurse cocok gak. i ingat boleh i pejam mata jap macam masa bersalin zahra, tidak sama ye puan2. takleh bawak bincang dh sakit dia sekejap ok sekejap i rasa sakit gila sekejap i blackout. last2 i give up i teran je everytime contraction tu. haa result dia? membrane keluar! i rasa something celah kangkang tu kan, i ingat kepala baby rupanya lembik2 membrane T.T terus rasa apa aku buat ni! panggil nurse, nurse dah panik. i pulak kejap sedar kejap tak sedar tiba2 i dah labour room. naik atas katil tu i sedar, doktor suruh teran i sedar. sebijik2 gak la rasa badan zuyyin tu. dah keluar doktor letak zuyyin atas dada mcm biasa, zuyyin ok alhamdulillah sian dia. pastu part uri pun i kena teran lebih sikit.  kena batuk kuat2 sampai perit tekak haa. dia melekat kuat. pastu part jahit pulak pedihh. tp all in all i bersyukur semua dah selamat. zuyyin first baby merdeka kt hospital tu. this year lah. pastu terus masuk wad i still high lagi pening gila. memang best la tido layan gila. tapi nurse insist suruh makan. mak guard tolong suggest menu suh azrul belikan.

haa malam i duk contraction kuat tu ibu otw dari kota bharu. kebetulan paksu balik so ibu ikut dia. so dia ada kt umah dgn fairuz lah tengok anak2. zuyyin keluar baru azrul dtg, beli makanan semua. belum boleh jumpa pun lagi sebab covid kan. pass dekat guard je. elok gak la takde lelaki dlm wad memang bebas berbuat apa saja. pastu pagi nya doktor cek ape sume doktor ckp dah boleh balik, i dan baby ok. cuma nurse still nk tengok paras gula i so tiba2 i takleh balik tengah hari, i kena tunggu malam pukul 9 baru balik, dia nk monitor gdm i dan tengok baby ada efek ke tak. alhamdulillah kitorang dua2 okay. as for now pun i dah takde kencing manis tu alhamdullah. ada minum gula gak k pas beranak hahah. result ok je la huhu.

hm tu je la kot. bab beranak. bab nak membesarkan zuyyin ni lain pulak ceritanya lol. doakan kitorang semua sihat walafiat, anak2 membesar dgn jayanya. amin.

ps: selamat hari ulang tahun ke 6 azrul! tahun lepas kita buat zuyyin, tahun ni, inilah hadiah nya hahahahaha. thank you for cameron highland trip dan makon makon kfry! i nak request kfy before the year end boleh? lol i sayang you! <3

Listen

 assalamualaikum and hi

its friday. kids are watching tv. the little one is still sleeping but she's getting up any second now, because she's a morning person like her dad lol. she loves morning shower. in fact all showers.

this is like the time we found Kodaline.

you know how at some point of time we kinda aren't excited about music. could be because we're stuck with the same playlist since we were 18 or 22, when life was all fast and exciting. at least for me. but my husband introduced me to CHPTRS and the music they made are amazingly beautiful. the kinda music that calms you. if you miss songs that have long lyrics, not the repetitive ones they play on the radio now, this could be it. like it doesn't complicate things. life is just as beautiful as it is ha gitu lol

give it a go. my husband loves all their songs. i particularly love this one.

ps: we're one week into PKPB. cases are pretty high here. pray for all of us. pray for malaysia and the world. i miss the world without covid, dont you?

Maybe All

Maybe its the sight of him holding our children.

Maybe its the way his neck stretched out (he has long neck).

Maybe its his shoulders.

Maybe its the things he said 16 years ago that he didn't like kids and now we have 3 kids and he'd die for them.

I dont know which, what that makes me love him more. Maybe all of it.

I remember when things were complicated. Funny those were silly things. And these important things in our lives are the easiest things.

My heart is lighter, things run smoother, life makes more sense.

Silly.

Ahh just a midnight post. While watching my husband holds our newborn. I will write about her birth next time.

Love,

Ansari

2019

Assalamualaikum and hi..

Well will you look at that. The only post of 2019. Lol. But life has been so kind. And full of love. Lets see, in sum, i tutored for one whole year! Raised my kids! Adopted 2 cats! My marriage is going on stronger than ever, its our 5th year together this year! Families are well and happy.

It has been a wonderful year. I love that we kinda have our own vibes and we dont have to sync up our vibes with others'. Its like i can be whoever i want, my kids can be whoever they want, my husband can be whoever he wants. We water our grass, run our gigs however we want. And family and friends are supportive as much as we support them, so we live in that kind of life now.

But, we are very much looking forward for the future and what it holds. Because we have plans, and our families are growing. Its exciting to be surprised with these amazing things. Our small circle is such a blessing. Im very thankful to Allah for them. Along with everything they bring.

As for 2020, what i can tell you is, life is gonna get bigger and more people in it lol. Well, honestly some plans are going down the drain. But this one blessing is gonna make our life much better, i pray for that.

Well, i dont articulate as well as i used to i guess. But this post is a must. So happy new year, crazy people! Stay crazy! Crazy about everything good okay?!

Put a ribbon round my neck and call me a libertine
I will sing you songs of dreams I used to dream
I will sail away on seas of silver and gold
Until I reach my home
Give me a guitar and I'll be your troubadour
Your strolling minstrel 12th century door to door
I don't know anymore, if that feeling is past will it last
Oh, how can you be sure?

And how do I know if you're feeling the same as me?
And how do I know if that's the only place you want to be?

Give me a stage and I'll be your rock and roll queen
Your 20th century cover of a magazine
Rolling Stones here I come, watch out everyone, I'm singing
I'm singing my song
Give me a festival and I'll be your Glastonbury star
The lights are shining everyone knows who you are
Singing songs about dreams about hopes about schemes
Oh, they just came true

And how do I know if you're feeling the same as me?
And how do I know if that's the only place you want to be?
And how do I know if you're feeling the same as me?
And how do I know if that's the only place you want to be?

And if you want it too, then there's nothing left to do
Let's start a band

And if you want it too, then there's nothing left to do.

Love,

Ansari

Super Late Raya Post

assalamualaikum and hi!

syawal has finally ended. and hello zulhijjah! and not long after this raya haji pulak kan? so a quick post about our raya this year. honestly we didnt prepare much for raya. only what was essential and we were focusing more on the kids' preps. i dont know, i guess when you have kids, you kind of forget about the world because they are your world haha.

this year's raya we celebrated at my in law's kampung in hulu selangor. as usual, the menu was rendang daging, kuah kacang and ayam kicap. my husband bought a few lemang. all was good i think im still full just by mentioning the food. but rendang daging was da bomb as always (everything was) because my mil is the best cook! also my husband bought a lot of fireworks, the kids love them so much. well maybe zahra not so much because she was scared of the loud sound. everyone else were over the moon, boys kan? lol

we spent 2 days of hari raya there. near subuh the 3rd day raya we head to kota bharu. the first day was all about food dear God i was so full of rendang. and we prayed at the mosque next to our house for solat sunat raya. i brought zahra, she was so excited to go. kept on mentioning about mosque days before raya. couldnt bring muaz because he was still sleeping. after solat raya we gathered and asked for forgiveness from everyone in the family, all the hugging and crying. i love raya morning. i love the tears i dont know why i just cant describe. it was funny i cried but i like it lol. and after that we went to nenek's house and eat some more! lontong! and raya with everyone else there. later we visited my husband's late bestfriend's grave and his family. later that night we went to a relative of my mil's for raya and to my husband's friend's house. the amount of food and biskut raya? A LOT.

the next day we went to sungai klah, my fil's kampung. and oh, i got quite a stomach ache from rendang in naim's house the night before so it was a bit torturous but all was good not long after 4 visits to the loo. it was overwhelming, raya with my fil's family and i got the chance to get to know a lot of abah's family members and staying with them for a while talking about things and seeing my husband and his family mingled with his cousins, it was all great.

like i said, before subuh the day after we went to my kampung and spend the rest of our raya there. even though it was already third day of hari raya, everyone was there including my paksu and maksu and there were a wedding of our relative, so it seemed that raya was no where near ending. also, my husband made a new of kelantanese friends, his colleagues and classmates from his masters class so we got ourselves stuck in a lot of traffic jams but all was worth it because raya is about family and friends. and alhamdulillah for friends and family because they are the ones who made our raya even better. not the cookies or rendang. but family, friends. so thank you mak, abah, ibu and everyone else for making this raya the best so far for us and for zahra and muaz.

not to forget, we had a lot of ramadhan buffet this year. all thanks to my husband lol. also we managed to make time for buka puasa with our close friends and my family in kelantan. so so much food. alhamdulillah too.

ahh raya haji is next week you guys! selamat hari raya aidiladha in advance! eat lots of beef okay? intestines and gear box, all! haha ok then bye <3 p="">

love,

ansari

Something Human

"Something Human" MUSE

My circuits have blown
I know it's self imposed
And all I have shared, and all I have loved
Is all I'll ever own
But something has changed
I feel so alive
My life just blew up, I'd give it all up
I'll depressurize
Aahh...
Ten thousand miles left on the road
Aahh...
Five hundred hours 'till I am home
I need something human, human
Human, human
Let's face all our fears
Come out of the shade
Let's burn all the money, absolve all the lies
And wake up unscathed
The big picture is gone
Replaced with visions of you
Now life can begin, I've cleansed all my sins
I'm about to break through
Aahh...
Five thousand miles left on the road
Aahh...
Two hundred hours 'till I am home
I need something human, human
Human, human
And I need the touch
And something human, human, human
Aahh...
Less than a mile left on the road
Aahh...
I will be crawling through your door
I need something human, human
Human, human
And I need your love
And something human, human

Something Human

Flying with Two Kids

assalamualaikum and hi!

before raya hari tu kitorg anak beranak naik flight from KL to Kota Bharu. tapi just the 3 of us because my husband kerja dan biasalah nk simpan cuti raya. i was okay sebab lagi bagus kan dapat lepak lama sikit umah my mom. it was ramadhan and i was fasting. flight pun beberapa minit lepas waktu buka. so this post i nak cerita sikit pasal how i handled the kids, what happened and whatnot.

i was skeptical at first when my husband suggested that we balik kampung naik flight, the kids and i sahaja. and scared! masa zahra kecik2 dulu agak selalu la naik flight dgn dia berdua dan mcm dah boleh handle dia sorang2 and she was okay walaupun time tu i fully breastfed her and direct feed sahaja sebab dia taknak botol. sebab flight pun 45 mins or 1 hour je kan. but this time dua orang anak kecik! zahra is 4 and muaz is 2. he passed the infant age so he got his own seat. lega di situ sebab selamat lengan i wont be sado holding him kan lol.

the prep i did was:

1. only 1 luggage letak kat bawah, small and easy to pull
2. i carried a backpack filled with the kids' neccesities macam diapers, milk powder, muaz's binkie etc
3. zahra carried her backpack filled with toys (her and her brother's favourite)
4. since i puasa that time i brought makanan siap2 before masuk gate.
5. muaz memang pakai diaper, zahra pun i pakaikan diaper sebab taknak ke hulu hilir pegi toilet sebab dia
6. at first i isi air dlm botol utk muaz but sebab tah la takut tak lepas sebab liquid idk so i emptied the bottle and thank God ada water dispenser near the gate, i sempat buat susu sebotol utk muaz walaupun dia tak minum sgt.

what happened was:

we arrived kind of early sebab nk tukar seat but unfortunately a bit ramai orang that day and i was berserah kepada Allah shj semoga dapat tukar seat i dan anak2. i didnt buy the seats walaupun husband nk belikan sebab taknak membazir (but next time we gotta buy the seat memang fixed together, dont be like us okay). and then, jalan2 a bit and my husband sent us dekat main gate tu and my journey alone with the kids began. i had to carry muaz because he was a bit cranky dah penat kot and it was spacious, dia nak berlari2 dan bermain. zahra was very good though, dengar je ckp umi, very talkative sebab dia excited gila nk naik flight lol. and then we had to walk quite far to reach the gate but we made it! i made a bottle of milk for muaz and i buka puasa there with a sandwich and mineral water. zahra ate just a tiny bit and she wanted to sing at the hall. ya Allah my daughter loves to sing tau tak. and the seats there can you imagine? the rows mcm dekat concert or some performing hall, dia rasa nak menyanyi la pulak kan tengok orang duduk nice mcm tu, ingat orang nak tengok dia perform. i let her sing slow2, she was very very happy hahahaa. and then, boarding, we queued like everyone else but since i got small kids i cepat je la masuk. the seating! i was nervous but i found a very kind and wonderful stewardess and she said she will arrange it for me until finally i got the seats just for the three of us together. alhamdulillah. and that was still half of what i had to deal with that day. during departure everything was okay. although muaz started to get uncomfortable because he had to seat by himself. zahra sat by the window, muaz in the middle and i sat near the isle. we departed, zahra said goodbye to the cars down the roads, still very excited. the whole time we were up in the air zahra was great. she took off the seat belt but she remained at her seat. muaz on the other hand started to get real cranky and he cried. towards dah dekat nk sampai tu yg dia nangis kuat gila the threw the toys and even his binkie ke lantai, nasib baik lah bukan ke kepala orang. dah land tu we waited sampai semua orang turun, then baru the kids and i turun. i thanked the stewardess and her friend for putting up with us lol. dah turun tu their nenna memang dah tunggu dekat pintu so i handed her the kids and i got back in ambik luggage.

overall, the kids were okay. zahra was awesome. i think muaz dah besar sikit pun awesome macam zahra. so, my husband ada sebut suruh balik before him this raya haji and i think i can do it again lol. but maybe we should take the day flight this time sebab this way the kids will be looking at the clouds, so pretty occupied kan? it was nice handling the kids by myself too. thank you husband for believing in me lol.

but hey, still Syawal. so i'd like to wish all of you SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN. raya post next okay?

XOXO

love,

ansari azrul

To Rest

assalamualaikum and hi

i usually write when im free and bored if you notice. right now i am just tired. i am smelly and sweaty. the kids are playing with a rope. i was using it earlier and i dont have the energy to clean. so i put on some music on youtube and write this.

some days i feel like this. some days i would be really tired i stop doing everything and i take care of my mind. over the years as a housewife i learnt that i am human. i feel tiredness and boredom and its okay to stop.

i had a few friends who asked me about being a housewife. they were contemplating or planning on doing so and they did for a while but they are working back right now. but the questions were how i cope, will it be worth it, is it hard? those kind of questions. i didnt know where to begin. all i know is, it is a sacrifice. one after another but the rewards are great. there are ups and downs in everything right?

but im not going to talk about that now, all i am emphasising now is, the need for housewives to pause. i am a clean freak. maybe not so much but i will be very mad if i see my husband's clothes on the floor or wherever its not supposed to be. still working with that one lol. so, i need to see my house spotless in an instant when i see it upside down kapal pecah. and i am the kind of person who cant see the laundry basket full. after two kids, i learnt to negotiate my priorities. and number one is my mental health. and that is of course for the sake of my kids. i dont want to be a monster every time i cant get things done and leave them terrified for life.

gradually aside from actually getting really tired of cleaning, i learnt to ignore the mess for a little longer before actually getting mad at the kids and make them clean. also, i learn to rest between chores so i dont get my hands shivering of hunger and later get migraine at night. like what i am doing right now.

but sometimes my old self got out and i freaked out over the mess and chores, i let it got into me. of course that would be the reason i dont really eat during the day, because i dont know to do what first and do everything all at once and got super tired.

all in all, life is great and i am just a tired mom lol. so i think i have gained my energy and i seriously need a shower. read me next time? :*

love,

ansari