Everything is nothing.

Assalamualaikum

Hi

I have been shaken with two bad news this week. My bestfriend's father met the Creator just a few days ago. And my uncle is in critical condition for he was found unconcious after a stroke hit him. My deepest condolences to Yana's family. Her father was a humble quite man. Thank you ayah for everything. I still remember that time you fetch us from Terengganu. And my uncle is at the moment still unconcious at the hospital. Half of his brain doesnt function anymore because of the stroke. We arent close but i have known him for his humbleness and he is a very nice uncle. He loves to smile. He took great care of his late wife, my aunty when she was sick. To think about it, both of these men are similar in a way. Quite uncles just have special places in my heart.

There is only one thing that hit you when you visit or hear such news; what is the meaning of life. Where are your wealth, family, friends, instagram likes, places you visit, food you eat, everything that we were proud of. We will be left with our body; the once upon a time a healthy strong body that will be sick and helpless. What is the meaning of life?

I guess i'll leave you at that. I have things to ponder too. Such a short life. So many things to do.. but what.

Oh Allah, take me when you are pleased with me.

Pregnant lady coming through

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Im almost 18 weeks pregnant. My morning sickness, fatigue and nausea is 90% gone. My belly is showing. Belly button is ready to pop anytime. Lol. My legs cramps are under control. I take 2 glasses of milk everyday. If i miss a glass, my legs will start to cramp so i cant afford to miss any milk gulping. During my early weeks, i drank a few glasses of milk and to my surprise, i kindda have a lactose intolerence symptoms. I immediately thought of my husband. He is partially lactose intolerant. During those few weeks, i was struggling with my leg cramps and my pelvic bone was killing me night and day. Until one day i couldnt take it anymore, i tried drinking milk and alhamdulillah things got better until now. No more lactose intolerence symptoms too.

My body is acting a lot like my husband's. My appetite is totally similar like his. In my first trimester i wanted to eat sambal berdengung his mom made. So my mil had to send some to us or whenever we balik kampung, i'd ask her to tapau some for us. Huhu. Supposedly during those times i wasnt supposed to eat spicy food because acid reaction in my stomach bla bla bla but i took it really well. And also, my husband is number 1 fan of kfc. Im a bit of a so so. And i am definitely not a fan of burgers. One day, i asked him to buy me a zinger burger because i suddenly thought of it. My husband brought home 1, he was thinking for a while before he said "hmm betullah anak abg ni, tibe2 je nak makan kfc". I laughed.

But i was also craving for anything sweet, especially kelantan dishes and kuih. Until recently i came home to kota bharu and ibu told me "selera kakak dh lain ek?". I thought to myself. Haah laa. Lol. I dont ask her to make tomyam anymore. Many times before this, if i came home, the first thing i ask ibu to make is her tomyam. My mom's is like a special tomyam idk why, it just is. But this time, not once i mentioned it. Fyi, my husband is not a soup or tomyam fan as much as i was.

And so many other things changed about me during this pregnancy. I really dont feel like myself. This baby is surely taking after his/her ayah like 100%. Unlike zahra. Zahra is on the other hand a xerox of me. Well, we gotta have one a xerox of ayah kan. Lol.

Dear baby, your tiny kicks and punches are ticklish tau! We cant wait to see you. Grow well and stay healthy in there. Umi promise umi will eat anything for you. Fyi, my alergy towards prawns are gone! Im so over the moon. Haha. So, ayah, when are we going to try out on crabs? Bet i can eat crabs now wehoo (sure hope so). *angkat kening kat husband

Ps : im currently obsessed with the new donuts at big apple. It looks like eclairs but with more choices of toppings and fillings. My favourite is the caramel ones. Ouh just the thought of it. Maybe i should go grab one (or three) later. Nyam nyam

Drugs

Assalamualaikum

Hi

I suddenly remember i used to cling onto something sad it had become a habit. In contrary with popular beliefs that sadness is best away, i needed it. It made me write better. It kept me in touch with my feelings better. But me trying to keep being sad was bad for my outlook of the world, i constantly pushed people away. I was looking for something wrong in everything. It was my drug.

Once i have a reason to live, Zahra, i cant afford to let the sadness become apart of her too. I cant let her carry my baggage. I started being happy or at least content with what i had. And it changed everything. Yes, i felt the sadness but i kept it to myself. And after my marriage with Azrul, i was blessed with so much happiness i cant look for anything to be sad about. There are ups and downs there's no point in lying about that, but i dont carry it with me making it bigger day by day or nurture it until it become a tumor. Alhamdulillah.

But some days, i miss my melancholic writings. Haha. I cant find similar drugs. But dragging myself to sadness again is not worth it i bet. Hence these ramblings and pointless posts. I certainly no lang leav to be clinging on some sad memories for the sake of book writing. And with what i have, with how i feel about things, i try to make it work with the way i write. Its not an easy task really. But as for me, that is a challenge im ready to take.

Its a far future but if i start today, i'll be a step ahead. And so, this space might become a lab for my experiment writings. Stay away! Or stay close! Which ever you prefer. Lol. Blah blah blah. Kbai

"I already am. I always was. And i still have time to be." - anis mojgani

;)

That girl

Asalamualaikum

Hi

I think im being secretive about zahra since the child pornography issue. I dont post much pictures of hers anywhere. And i dont talk about her as much too. Trust me, she's the center of our attention now and ever but sharing her out and abouts is still at alarming rate. I hope it stays that way actually. Oh im just an overprotective mother.

Furthermore, i found it unfair to those who is trying to conceive and have a child of their own when i talk about zahra all the time. Yes, once i made that mistake of talking about her 24/7, and i learnt my lesson. So i wont do it anymore insyaAllah.

But, a once in a while updates about her is forgivable i hope. Like this one im about to write. Hew. Being that she's only a newborn for 40 days, a baby for 2 years, a toddler for another few years etc. She's growing into a healthy baby girl alhamdulillah. In fact a toddler next year. How fast the time flies. I once held her with one arm and she was so light. Today, i can barely lift her and she's in fact heavier than dhiya who is older than her by 4 months.

Im grateful and happy with her growth alhamdulillah. She's a happy gal with sprinkles of her own personalities. She's growing her interests in many things such as reading and drawing. She has her likes and dislikes. Yes, she throws tantrums from time to time and thats ok by us. She listens. She pays her attentions to things around her. She's still picking up at her speech department but she has a few vocabularies. We believe that she knows the things we say but she chooses to say and pronounces only her favourite words. At her stage, she's mastering nouns and her favourites are; duck, dog, ayam, meow, horse, fish, air. She knows nasi, cicak and many more but she ignores when we ask her to repeat after us. We think that that is the only thing we need to work on right now. Other than that, she's an angel.

As for us, her parents, it is such a beautiful experience to see her grow everyday. My life might sound boring to you, but she is my miracle and our happiness and joy. Even seeing her wakes up everyday is the happiest thing we can ever experience. Watching her new behaviours, listen to her babbles can melt our hearts forever. I honestly miss her when she sleeps. We wouldnt know what to do without her. I can see my husband hurting everyday when he's off for his work for days or weeks. The two of them have this special bond even i cant figure. They love to play mime with each other. Now that zahra knows how to video call her ayah, she'd say ayah a million times when she's in a bad mood. Seeing her ayah can put a smile on her face. If she was in a bad mood at that time, she would forget about the whole thing and she'll go play nicely after her ayah says hi.

We just hope that she will be ready when the time comes for her to step up and become a big sister. She looks like she into babies. She loves to play with lily but we wouldnt know for sure unless she has a baby sibling of her own right? Huhu. As for now, we are going to squish her hard as she's our only baby. But she likes to put her hands on my belly once in a while and say meow. Haha. I cant wait for her to see my belly moves up and down from the baby's punches or kicks. I'd like to see the look on her face. Bet she'd scream in fright. Lol.

Umi & ayah saaaaayang Zahra. Or should we call you kakak already? XD

Ps: i will have to see my doctor on the 21st. Im afraid i'd forget so im going to chant that until i fall asleep. -.-

Zuriat

Assalamualaikum

Hi

First of all urusan ini bukan urusan saya. Sy cuma cerita pengalaman dan cerita2 org. Sungguh rezeki ajal maut jodoh itu urusan Tuhan. Kalau kawan2 sebaya mostly dah anak 2 3 dh mostly lah. Tapi masih ada yg single. Kalau yg muda 3 4 tahun pun lebih kurang tu jugaklah. Maybe lebih ramai yg single atau baru kawin.

Nak dijadikan cerita lately sebab ramai yg dh berumahtangga jadi confirm lah nak baby. Katalah ada pasangan ni konon nak honeymoon phase setahun dua mesti in the end kalut jugak berusaha nak baby. Sebab bila berdua tu bosan ke cmane jadi nk lah penyerinya. Macam sebelum sy dihadiahkan zahra. Kalut kemain.. saya lah. Bila asek datang bulan terus rasa down, tak subur ke aku. Jadi amek inisiatif pegi klinik sebab memang nak baby. Doktor scan rahim dan alhamdulillah takde cyst ke ape. Cuma takde telur aka ovum. Jadi doktor bagi ubat utk enhance pengeluaran telur. Bulan berikutnya ya Allah tak pernah sakit macam tu. Mcm period pain pun ada.. tapi tang kiri kanan ari2 je. Ingatkan buah pinggang. Time tu rasa mcm redha je ada ke takde baby. Sakit. Takpe lah takde baby lagi.. sy cuma nak sihat. Pegi klinik lagi. Doktor scan lagi.. dia ckp ovari bengkak. Maybe efek ubat tu paksa ovum keluar ke mcm mana. Tapi telur masih takde. Redha. Sungguh redha. Lepas tu dah tak kira period lagi dah. Malas nak semakkan kepala. Tapi mcm boleh bajet dah lewat lebih seminggu. Dlm 10 hari. Mulalah otak ni pikir lain pulak. Sakit ke aku. Ke sebab ubat hari tu. Adoiii. Tapi takut nk g klinik lg. Safest thing to do masa tu cek dulu pregnant ke tak. Kalo tak, baru risau sakit ke ape. Sekali alhamdulillah ada zahra rupanya.

Ini cite adik zahra pulak. Memang takde planning apa2 pun. Husband mmg nk baby. Tapi sebab masih menyusu badan mungkin hormon lambat sikit. Time tu mulalah rasa frust sorg2. Walaupun husband cakap takpe. Tapi naluri perempuan ni memang tak boleh elak. Adik pulak dah pregnant anak ke2. Lagi lah. Lol. Ada terdetik ke nak gi klinik lagi cek. Tapi mau kena debik ngn doktor sebab zahra belum pun lagi 2 tahun kan. Jadi sy igt nak ushar ubat zuriat yg org jual online. Ushar je tak beli pun. Time tu byk sgt false pregnancy symptoms. Macam memberi harapan sgt. Tapi last2 period jugak. Sampai satu masa sy decide nak kerja. Jadi malas pikir baby ke benda lain. Sy nak fokus kerja.. maybe study. Plan nih dalam kepala nak beli baju cantik2, nak pkai heels balik, nak fokus zahra je tak kisahlah sampai dia umur berapa pun baru dapat adik. Husband bawak jalan2, makan sedap2, happy2. Sekali rasa lain macam time subur. Tapi malas nk berharap sangat. Pastu missed period 1 hari je. Sy ni jenis period punctual atau mesti awal sehari dua. Suami duk laut pun tak menyabar nak gak cek kan. Gigih gi beli pregnancy test sorg2. Alhamdulillah dah 3 minggu lebih time tu. Agak2 kira terjadi time kat cameron highland. Haha.

Kesimpulannya dalam kes saya, bila stress, ape pun tak jadi. Tapi bila redha, berharap cuma dgn Allah, dan happy2 alhamdulillah Allah beri. Ape kita pikir sangat memberi efek pada tubuh badan kita seriously. Sebab tu kalau ada family members, kawan2 tanya tips2 utk pregnant itu je yg sy mampu suggest. Ya, penting utk cek klinik takut2 ada sakit. Nauzubillah. Tapi kalau dua2 sihat, insyaAllah lambat cepat mesti ada. Yg penting positif. Tapi, memanglah senang cakap daripada sendiri pikul kan? Disebabkan orang ckp org pregnant ni doa senang makbul, sy doakan kawan2 yg nak baby tu dpt baby cepat2 insyaAllah. Positif!

Ok tu je sebuah catatan seorang umi di tepi buai anaknya yg sedang tidur kemain sedap sebab hujan dan sejuk. Baby dlm perut pun diam je tido lettew. Umi pun nak join sekaki. Kbai.

Ps : selsema sebenarnya ni. Sian baby. Jom kita cepat sihat baby!

Satu

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Sorry for extra mushiness. Make way for the mushy train.

Today marks a milestone of our marriage. One year. Weird, it doesnt feel like a year. It still feels like yesterday he took tok kadi's hand and said those akad. It still feels like yesterday i heard the word SAH and i saw him turned around looking at me with the biggest smile i have ever seen. He wasnt even nervous. It still feels very much like yesterday.

It is true, you only know a person once you marry him/her. Yes, he is the same azrul in a way. But as a husband, he is so much more. So much more kindness. So much more love.

All i want to say is, thank you, husband. For everything that you have done for me, for us. Thank you for your patience, love, lessons. And i want to say im sorry too. Im sorry im such a baby. Im sorry for my mood swings, for my muncungs. Marrying you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel alive everyday, i look forward to tomorrow. I learn new things. I become a better person.

I still remember the first time you become the imam for our solat. I think i started to feel a lot like a wife after that. Some kind of realisation just hit me. Right in the feels that i cried. And i love how i wish you good night every night and i'd say i love you. And you will say "i love you more" every single time. You just know how to make me smile in my sleep.

Husband,
Thank you.

Ps : lil baby kicked ayah for the first time hari tu. Husband felt it. Huhu wait for the big ones in coming months.

Mister-can-do-it-all

Assalamualaikum..

Hi

Some days can be gloomy to Ansari.

But alhamdulillah there is her Azrul.

Maybe its that silly walk he has. Maybe its his camel shorts. Maybe its his rayban glasses. Maybe its his shaved moustache. Maybe its his beard. Maybe its the way he laughed with the cashier girl at the gas counter. Maybe its the smile he gave me when he walked back to the car. Maybe its the hand gesture he made signing crazy.

Some things he did purposefuly or accidentally, makes my day better. When i feel like shit and i cant see anything is going right for me, he proves he can turn everything around just by being him.

Thank you my dearest partner in crime, my bolster, my stress ball, my mirror, my anchor, my superman, the one who holds my heart in one hand, the one who fills it just by being present. My bestest friend.

Ps : we played kinect at ibu's house. He's leading at every game especially Just Dance. I cant believe this is happening. My husband dances to girls' songs better than i do. Lol. We should have a picture taken or a video recording our dance moves. We must look like idiot. Me especially, with the bump. XD