Assalamualaikum and hi!
February is ending soon. And im in a
confinement. Apparently our baby didn’t make it and I’m going to tell you a
story about how we lost our baby.
The beginning of my 3rd pregnancy was okay. I
was energetic and i thought i was okay and i could handle the rest of it with
ease. Well i thought wrong. Because when my morning sickness slowly set in, i
was nauseous more that i have ever been in both of my previous pregnancy.
Practically just 1 vomiting but i was experiencing severe flatulence and i couldn’t
stand the smell of anything. Being a mother of two, twas terrible, i couldn’t
cook, clean my kids and even pick myself up.
So we figured it would be nice if i could be
around my family as they can take care of my kids and me, especially in the
area of preparing food. My husband who was struggling with his work and final
exam left us for a couple of weeks in kota bharu and i think we had the best
times because the kids can be with their aunts and uncles and i didn’t have to
cook, my mom was happy to see their grandkids and my beloved husband can focus
on his work and most importantly his final exams. Plus, it has been a long time
since the last time i saw my family in kota bharu.
All was good; i got to eat lotsa nutritious and
yummy food jyeahh. The morning sickness i had suddenly faded a week in kota
bharu. It was like a couple of days of wekk and a couple of days feeling like
nothing were happening. I was happy really because i thought the getaway was
curing it. Apparently that was the earliest sign that my baby wasn’t doing well
in me.
Things were planned really neatly, when i get
back in shah alam i would go to the clinic and have pink book done which i did
only a week after i got back home because of high fever i got. That was the
second sign baby was not well. It was so sudden but because of the travelling
and the kids got fever too, i thought maybe i got it from them. Didn’t suspect
a thing. By this time morning sickness was 90% gone. When i was back on my
feet, i went to the clinic and baby was supposed to be 13 weeks old in me.
When i see the doctor, the most heart-breaking
thing i heard from her mouth, my baby is not the size of what it should have
been. It looked like it was 8 weeks old. I panicked and cried a lot at home.
Googled everything on the internet and even though i found positive info, i
still had doubts. This never happened to me before. Also, the doctor scheduled
another scan 2 weeks after the date to see whether or not baby was growing.
Me being as positive as i could ate lots of
healthy food and literally ate double my normal portion every meal. Husband was
supportive and he never complains about buying me anything. He just bought
them. Food i mean lol. The next weekend we spent our weekend at my in laws,
abah and mak wanted to celebrate idk everything good in our lives? Lol my
brother in law was home spending his semester break and everything, so
everybody was home except yaya because she's in south korea. All was good until
one morning during subuh when i was in the toilet i noticed a few spotting.
Deep red blood was coming out of me, not a lot but i freaked out! I also
experienced some cramps, when i walked the cramps got stronger i thought i was
going into labour.
Everyone told us to go to the hospital and so
we went. But knowing it would take some time at the hospital, husband took me
to get breakfast first, i was feeling ok then, no more cramps but still was
freaking out. As we reached hospital, we went straight to the emergency
department, i registered and made rm1 payment for registration. An MA took my
blood pressure and asked a few basic questions and took me inside to the ER.
When i was inside ER, a doctor asked me to pee in a small bottle and a nurse
came and inserts green branula on my right wrist. Ouch! A few more detailed
questions were asked. A fellow lady came in saying she had miscarriage too and
she was like 23 weeks or something. We kindda tag team wherever we go after
that.
Slim river hospital is very very nice and there
weren’t so many patients there so the doctor were paying attention to us,
things ran smoothly and fast. My husband took me up to the maternity floor and
i got checked by the doctors there. You know that thing that looks like a
duck's beak? Its called speculum. I hate it! It’s the same thing they used when
i was giving birth to muaz. But being a good patient who has already gave birth
to two kids i can’t say much because i have to be strong right? Then, the
doctor who took my case, use the duck's beak and a very bright table lamp to
look inside my vagina idk to look for bleeding sign? Blood has stopped by now i
should let you know. And then she scanned my belly, she saw nothing on the
screen, not a thing, my uterus was empty. She used a vaginal scanner and she
said she saw greyish figure in my uterus and that was it. It was baby and it
was still in size of 8 weeks old. My heart broke but the doctor was calm and
said probably baby isn’t going to make it looking at the sight of it but she
also said if baby were to suddenly grow, my pregnancy will continue as usual (i
didn’t really believed that. Because i saw the screen myself and i have never
seen a pregnant uterus like that, i was mentally accepting that it will leave
me soon). Doctor scheduled another appointment 2 weeks after that. Spotting was
visible on every other day after that.
Fast forward to the few days on a working day
(i can’t recall), i had a terrible fever. Another high fever, only higher and i
couldn’t do a thing, my husband took me to his mom's house because he panicked
and none of us knew what was happening. I took panadol but nothing happened.
Until one evening mak put hibiscus' leaves' water on my head and i started
feeling ok. We were planning to go to hospital that night and we cancelled. My
mother in law made me bertungku, shower with warm water and urged me to start
my confinement, she said i got bentan. I was on the verge of my insanity, i was
sick for weeks, i just go with whatever i think made sense.
I should have known a tornado was coming my way
because i wasn’t even bleeding a lot, there were only spotting. One morning in
our home also on a friday, a week later, before my husband went to work, big
lumps of blood was coming out of me it was nightmare! The first few were the
size of my palms put together! I had to flush them down the toilet i didn’t
what to do. I said i was okay to my husband and so he went to work only to find
me calling him after a couple of hours because i was having contractions
(honestly it felt like i was waiting for a full sized baby to come out). I was
crying when i called him, he went out of his meeting urgently everyone
basically cut the meeting short lol. But when was home the contraction got
milder and by that time idk how much blood lumps got out of me (if i didn’t
flush them, honest to God, the toilet will clog i tell you), there were a lot
of blood lumps. After each contraction, a lump will come out, i had to go sit
on the toilet bowl, because a pad surely couldn’t bear it. I thought that was
it, that was all the blood in me that needed to come out. Boy i was wrong.
Later that evening, after maghrib, i felt the
contractions again, and my husband didn’t want to wait anymore, we went to the
emergency department in hospital shah alam. And this is the most annoying part
of the whole journey. The terrible hospital registration table is outside of
the hospital, literally on the sidewalks, letting patients inhale the fumes
from the vehicles coming and going. I was sick so i let my husband did the
registration, i waited in the car, until the MA wanted to speak to me asking
basic questions. So my husband got me a wheelchair and i sat there answering
his question with my face twitching and sweating. After that he just pushed me
towards a door and that was it. I had to wait for a few minutes because my
husband parked the car and handled the kids alone. I was in pain this time i
remember clearly. When my husband got back to with the kids, we was in anger
because nobody seems to be taking care of me, i was sitting alone in a
wheelchair by the sidewalk. The MA told my husband to push me to the green zone
area and my husband pushed me to the parking lot back to our car lol. He asked
me whether or not i can bear the pain for a while because he wanted to bring me
to slim river hospital. Lol. I'd rather wait in the car anyway, so i agreed.
My husband drove us back to our house, grab out
clothes and whatever the kids needed and he drove us to slim river, perak. I
was in pain in the car, contractions and i started to bleed a lot! The pad i
wore then was a night pad, apparently not big enough to hold the blood, blood
started coming up, making my shirt soaking wet. I started feeling dizzy and
sleepy. My husband kept asking whether or not i was okay and asked me to hold
on. His voice basically kept me from falling asleep or maybe fainting.
As i arrived at the emergency department slim
river hospital, there was an ambulance in the driveway; an indian uncle
probably had a heart attack or something. Me being the strong woman i always
has been, tried to stand up and everyone there was screaming "no kak sit
down!" they didnt want me to collapse there. An MA brought us a
wheelchair, i sat down and he directly brought me into red zone area with like
4 beds. I was there a couple weeks earlier but only to do ultrasound scan. This
time, a more horrific experience :(
There was first a doctor asking me this and
that. Then a pregnant nurse came to help. She told me to undress and take off
all of my clothes ALL. I stripped down in front of them (behind a curtain, no
males) and wore hospital patient attire. They saw with their own eyes my pad
was soaking wet with blood back to front and they put my clothes in a black plastic
bag. I lay down on the bed still bleeding, suddenly there were a lot of people
(all females, everything they did with my vagina, only females were involved,
strictly no men). Nurses on my right and left were inserting green branula in
my arms. Honestly i was dizzy and i can’t really remember who did what, it was
so fast. And suddenly there were 2 doctors talking medical jargons i was really
tired. The doctor scanned me on my belly and in my vagina. After that she put
the speculum and flashed inside of my vagina with a torch light. She put a
really long scissors-like apparatus inside me pushing my uterus wall (yes! I felt
it!) She said there were still blood lumps inside me, that was why i was
bleeding like there was no tomorrow. They were talking about pushing me to an
operation theatre but one doctor said they wanted to try to take out the lumps
themselves (meaning speculum and that long scissors) and fyi, by this time they
have been poking me and scanning me vaginally alternately for like 3 to 4 times
already. It hurt like bloody hell!
To a point the doctor said my bladder is full
and it complicated the process so i said ok where can i go pee? The doctor
scolded me and said (puan! Puan dlm keadaan serius sekarang tau tak??) I was
dead serious thinking about walking to a toilet. When what she meant was she
needed to put in a tube into my bladder. Oh God that time i felt like screaming
no! But the pregnant nurse convinced me that inserting a branula hurt
definitely more that inserting the tube. So i braced myself and said ok. And
guess what? The nurse was telling the truth huhu. There were discomfort but it
was okay. Now imagine a doctor poking the inside of your vagina while having a
tube where you pee. I couldn’t think! That was the end of my thinking capacity,
i just lay there spreading my legs like a chicken on a chopping board. It was
frightening that was for sure.
After like 8 or 9 time of poking and pushing my
belly (hurtful!), they said they have gotten out all of the lumps and i didn’t
have to go to the operation theatre for D&C. I was relieved. I had 3 bags
of fluid left and right of my arms, 3 of the metal stickers on my chest and
belly to check my status at all times, urine catheter and 2 shots of ubat kecut
rahim on my left thigh. I was strolled into a ward for the night. The doctors
said all was good, i should fast if anything came up in the morning and wait
and see if i bleed a lot or not. I was yes yes whatever just don’t let me die.
The next morning the doctor from last night
came to me and asked me about how much have i bled. I said not so much because
that was the truth and despite feeling a bit dizzy i said i was okay (gotta be
stronggg). She said i should be discharged that day but she will have a
specialist check up on me, once the said doctor approved then only i can go
home. Feeling hopeful and all, i saw the specialist, a female Chinese doctor,
very thin. She did ultrasound scan on my belly and vaginal scan, she said there
were a few irregularities. Oh dang! And then she put her hands inside me while
her left hand pushed my bladder really i hard i swear i was gonna pull her arm,
it hurt! I mean her fingers are really thin and pointy that hurt a lot! After
that some blood lumps came out. Oh i was gonna cry, i think i cried a bit
there, feeling frustrated and i was scared :"( so the doctors said i can’t
go home just yet, and i need to do d&c. My nightmare come true. But the
doctors and nurse explained to me everything, the risk and all, i guess i just
have to accept it so i did.
My husband and kids came visit me after lunch
and i missed them so much. I missed muaz and zahra. That was the first time i
slept without muaz by my side. I cried again. Truth was i can feel my body wasn’t
strong enough and i was feeling light headed all the time so i accepted my fate
to whatever comes i just have to go through it all to be healthy again. After
lunch i started my fast, d&c was scheduled at 8pm but the nurse came
prepping me at 8 something. I was pushed to the operation theatre at 9pm. I
wore that robe that you have to tie at the back and a cap. To be honest it was
frightening considering the risks. The doctor said i could get my uterus
stabbed in the process by a few percent, and i could be bleeding way too much
and i might need blood transfusion and the risk of diseases in the blood is
very high (including hiv) it was scary i won’t lie :(
So there i was, lying on a slim stretcher in an
operation theatre with busy doctors and nurses. Oh before that the most
important thing, anaesthetic. One of the doctor who was doing anaesthetic on me
asked a few question and she said that they will be giving me half body anaesthetic
which will be injected into my spine just like epidural. Me being a scaredy
cat, begged her for full body anaesthetic. I wanted to be totally out,
sleeping, not feeling a thing, not knowing a thing about what was happening
during the process. She looked at my numbers and alhamdulillah she said okay.
Ohhh the biggest relief! So if you wanted a detailed info about what happened
in the operation theatre i honestly don’t know. Huhu. All i remember was, i was
put on the operation table, a nurse put that metal stickers on me for my
status, blood pressure checker whatever thingy that was and my left hand was
put straight out from my body. The indian doctor who i begged for anaesthetic
was sitting on my head, putting an oxygen mask telling me when to inhale and
when to exhale. I think she said something about she was gonna poke me with a
needle on my left hand but i didn’t really felt anything. Anddd that was all
that i remember.
When i woke up i was still in the operation
room area, near the registration, on a stretcher. I can feel my left shoulder
was pierced earlier and i was super dizzy. And oh the thing will full body anaesthetic
is that you need to have a nice blood pressure reading and you don’t have any asthmas
or coughing. Because there will be a rubber tube poked down your throat as a
breathing support. I didn’t know what happened but that was what the doctor
told me. My throat felt a bit sore after that but that was a price i was
willing to pay. Funny i realised it was 11pm the time i came out. Earlier that
day the doctors said that it was gonna take only like 15 minutes. Apparently
mine took almost 2 hours. But i wasn’t gonna say anything, i was relieved i was
still alive and things went okay. I slept with a urine catheter that night.
The next morning i was still feeling dizzy but
i fought it. A nurse came and took off the urine tube. I was happy thinking i
will go home that day so despite feeling like i was walking on clouds, i
cleaned myself and sat down a lot. I ate a lot for breakfast and lunch because
of the long fast i had the day before. The food there wasn’t so bad at all. All
finished lol. Before i was officially discharged, the doctor who performed
d&c on me last night came and she explained my condition. Turned out, she
did the whole process twice! Because the first time she thought she was done,
she did an ultrasound scan and there were still lumps visible. She was
satisfied after the second time and she said i was good to go. She also said i
need to be there next two months for follow up and to see the result of what was
in my uterus (they took a piece of lump and sent it to the lab for analysis)
she didn’t know whether it was my baby or just blood. I just hope that it was
nothing like a sickness or anything. And after some of the explanations she
said i was okay to go by noon.
My husband and kids came at 12 noon. My husband
went to settle the bills (which was only RM52) and took my meds and we went out
of the hospital together. We went back to my in law's house for a couple of
hours and then straight headed to shah alam where i spend the rest of my
confinement. My mom came during Chinese new year's break for like 5 day, taking
care of me while visiting her long lost friends. And as of today, Friday, im on
my 13th day of my confinement. I feel okay and probably not as strong (maybe I’m
just scared) but mostly I’m okay alhamdulillah.
Thank you to my husband for taking care of me,
never letting me do heavy chores, and most importantly for taking care of the
kids when i couldn’t. Thank you to my mak and abah and also along for taking
care of the kids when i was in the hospital. Thank you to my mom for coming
over and letting me be a baby, i miss you so much. Thank you to my siblings and
my friends who were and still are very concern about my wellbeing. Thank you to
zahra and muaz for being the big girl and boy that you are. Love all of you so
so much.
And to my baby, it was a ride with you. But i
guess it is not fate that i see you here. I hope i can see you in the
afterlife. Know that i love you so much it hurts. It hurts a lot.
All i can say after this journey is that Allah
is the greatest. He can give you a thing and He can take it back. Cherish your
life, the people in it. You can be healthy today but ill tomorrow, you never
know. Only Allah knows, only Allah can do anything. May we all be blessed
always.
Love,
Ummi
