assalamualaikum
hi
well, life is great. i think i am more than blessed. watching and hearing all these stories and issues from other people about their lives sure put mine into perspective. and i have dreams im not ready to give up. baby steps i guess.
so today im going to tell you about *drum roll* not my dreams *drum roll* being a full time housewife. i was raised by a mother and a father and also grandparents. since my dad wasnt practically around, leaving his duties to my granda i wasnt seeing much of a fatherly roles in him but my granda was good at filling the holes my dad always kept empty. and my mom was for a few years a housewife and then she became a secondary school teacher. most of my time, i spent with my grandparents, my grandma to be exact. and seeing how much females in our family has to work, i was embedded with the idea that women should work. i mean, my grandma was our nanny, she cooked and took care of us, and it was great but she always remind me that every girl should work. never rely on your husband yada yada. so i look up to my mom, wanted to be like her, working. and it was never my intention to be a housewife, ever. but look what i do now. lol
its a battle really. to convince myself that this is good, this is sufficient. i mean like, i wasnt working as a high chief somewhere but i worked for a brief moment and i liked it. and being married and have kids, kind of closing every doors in front of me and i feel like im stopped by an invisible hand. as i mentioned in previous posts, i went to several interviews and failed and succeed. you know how it feels like when you fail interviews, right? but when i succeed all these waves of feelings come to me all at once shaking my thin palm tree of fearing of what will happen to my kids. yes, the one fragile thing i love most in the world, my kids. my husband is not fragile, he can take care of himself, so i know he'd be fine either way. but with my kids, i tremble at the thought of leaving them to people they dont know, total stranger. ok lah, they might learn about the stranger and probably like her. so will my kids love her more than me, the person who they only see 2 days a week, the person who only put them to bed every other night? not only that, will the nanny love them like i do? kiss them when they fall? never scold them if they do anything wrong? will she has the patience and love? and every other things like what will they eat and drink, what kind of tv program will she let them watch and if there is other kids around, will they be nice to my babies? imagine thinking about that all at once. i cried the night i knew i got the job as an english editor in puchong. i turned the job down the next day.
does i feel any regret? no. in my head, i just want to do something that benefits me and the kids. days can be rough sometimes, i have sleep deprived, i cant eat properly, i cant even pee properly. but these tiny humans are growing in front of me. i see they literally grow inch by inch. i cooked their food with love and sweat and probably some screaming but they love everything i do and everything i give them. most importantly, they love me. they would choose me over anybody in the world. i dont have to ask anyone about my babies, i know them. i know the meaning of their cries even their facial expressions. so doing what i do now, is what's best for me. for anybody else? i dont know lah.
so what we're doing now is growing together, the kids and i. thank God our families are very supportive and never question our decisions. and there is actually more about being a housewife i wanted to write. maybe in the next post ya? because ya Allah this is a challenging job lol. but so so fun. see you soon.
muaz is napping. zahra just put a couple of puzzle in front of me saying they're stones. last night they were gold coins. i gotta go. ummi has work to do.
ps: sometimes the hardest question at my job is, what to cook for dinner.