The Price

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Slow and cool day in kota bharu right now. My daughter is somewhere in front of the tv watching her favourite movie, Home. She can watch it on repeat. Yesterday she watched it for 5 times. She wanted to watch it again and again but we have to stop her from doing so. Since i can practically memorize the script by heart. And its pretty annoying and stressful to listen to it continously.

Anyway, terpanggil nak cakap pasal redha. Sebab duduk rumah ibu ni balik beberapa hari ni ter-recall time awal2 pregnantkan zahra dulu. Same simptom. Moderate morning sickness. Tp i was stronger back then. This 2nd pregnancy, ya Allah lemahnya rasa walhal lebih kurang je. Itu tandanya saya ni mmg manja. Sebab dulu sorg2 deal sume benda. Tahan je dalam hati.. sedih, kambus perasaan tu. Sekarang, geli2 tekak sikit laju je mengadu kat suami. Suami pulak rajin layan.. memang lah naik lemak. Huhu. Tp sekejap je lah. Sekarang dh ok kut hopefuly. Ada sikit2 je lagi. Nak cepat2 habis phase ni. Sebab nak makan sedap2. Kehkehkeh. Tp sesampai je kb hari tu laju je cari ape nak makan. Alhamdulillah sgt suami sgtlah manjakan sy sampai nak papepun dh tak tau dh. Contohnya nak merengek pasal ape pun tak tau. Faham x? Haha dasar sungguh la ekau ni ansari. Sebab nya suami layan nak makan ape, urut kat mane sakit, tolong jaga zahra. Bila cakap ngn ibu, sy jadi princess skrg ni ibu pulak yg kesian kat suami. Tu yg kena bebel 4 bakul takleh nak manja2 lg dah.

Anyway, pasal redha tu bukan pasal tak redha pregnant skrg ni. Mesti la redha alhamdulillah. Cuma terpikir cane dulu blh survive. Tu je. I was so rock bottom kut. Takde lagi down, itulah paling down dalam hidup. Tenggelam lemas sorang2 taknak timbul tp hidup, selamat, bernyawa sampai lah saat timbul semula. Kunci dia masa tu redha. Sebelum sy realize soal redha, sy cari punca masalah. Sape. Sape masalah tolong move your ass from my life. Dan yg tu pun Allah tolong. Mudah. Taknak elaborate panjang. Yg penting chow. Hari2 mendatang lepas tu payah tak tipu langsung. Menangis sorang2 malam2. Tp bila depan org senyum. Itu dh jadi rutin. Segala gelap tak manis pedih simpan. Masuk bilik kunci pintu baru nangis. Sebab tu ibu tak suka sy duk sendiri. Dia akan ajak keluar dgn kwn2 dia lepak2 minum air makan2. Terhibur sekejap balik sambung nangis lagi sambil usap perut. Zahra dh tendang2 dan sy masih igt kata2 sy pd zahra, "dont worry umi dgn zahra forever". No connection dgn sape2 negative. I totally put myself inside a positive bubble. Dan Allah hadiahkan manusia2 yg memang sesuai dgn keadaan sy time tu. To make me feel pretty, to make me feel smart, to make me feel loved. Cukup. Tiada yg kurang. Pikir2 balik betapa Allah syg zahra. Betapa Allah syg jiwa dia. Allah bg environment yg positif utk dia. Dan betapa mudah bersalinkan dia.

Satu yg sy jaga, hubungan dgn Allah. Tak sesempurna org alim. Basic2 tu je. Ini bukan brag ke ape. Cuma nak bagitau dari mana redha itu datang. So lepas dh remove segala yg negative, tlg lah sedar sape yg penyebab penyakit pd diri tu. Sape lg? Jgn nak salahkan orang eh? No 1, salahkan diri sendiri. Ye, sy yg invite those problems. So setel la situ. Sy penyebab dia jadi the fault is on me. So ini sy yg akan setel kan. Gitu. Sbb sy jenis yg malas nk gaduh ngan orang ni. I'd rather look defeated than look desperate. Be the bigger person. Always. Lepas dh mengaku silap sendiri baikilah diri. Sebab kalau kita salahkan org, sapelah kita ni nak baiki orang. Mulakan dgn baiki diri sendiri. I worked a lot on myself. Baiki solat. Baiki bacaan al quran. Sampaikan time pregnant zahra tu boleh rasa zahra suka surah yasin. Sampai boleh hafal lah. Kalau nearest mosque tu tgh bc yasin pagi2 sebelum subuh, telinga ni terdengar2 je dalam hati duk folo baca sekali. Punya lah zahra suka surah yasin. Again, bukan nak riak. Sebab masa tu sy cuma ada Allah. Saat orang lain ada suami nak bermanja2 sy cuma bermanja dgn Allah. Boleh kata setiap kali lepas solat sy akan ceritakan dekat Allah ni ape perkembangan terbaru zahra. Terbaring atas sejadah menangis tu biasa. Igt2 balik kesian dekat diri sendiri. Tp time tu ok je. Tp ada malam2 yg sy tak kuat. Biasalah hormon org mengandung, tak stabil. Sy baca yasin dgn tafsir. Sebab pernah terbaca, kalau nak Allah ckp ngn kita, kita bc quran. So sy baca la yasin. Smpai lah satu ayat yg kena recite 7 kali tu. Sy pun terpikir hmm nape yg ni kena bc 7 kali dh lama nk cek maksud dia. Cer tgk maksud dia. Sekali tersentak sendiri. Awak tgk lah sendiri tafsir dia eh. Sebab masa tu mana ada nk msg loving2 ngn sape2 pun. Dpt msg loving2 dr Allah sgt best tau. Malam tu tido dlm senyuman. Alhamdulillah. Tu paling magic la sy rasa.

Dan along the way tu saya jumpa redha. Redha tu mahal. Takkan jumpa kalau diri masih mendongak. Takkan jumpa redha kalau dlm diri masih ada walau sedikit rasa nak salahkan org. Takkan jumpa kalau sibuk mengasihani diri sendiri. Redhalah diuji semampunya. Redhalah ujian yg nampak segunung ni sebenarnya kecik je. Redhalah tak nampak esok pun sebab hari ni masih ada. 100% nasib sy, sy serah pada Allah. Sy teraniaya Ya Allah. Bayi yg tak berdosa ni teraniaya. Doa org teraniaya kan tiada hijab. Nampak tak bes rupanya kat situ. Embrace it. Instead of mourning about it, make it a gem put it on your crown. Sy nampak kerisauan ibu dan org2 terdekat bila sy nak bersalin. Ibu takut sy meroyan tp alhamdulillah takde pun. Bila pikir2 balik i had every reason to meroyan. Dgn very subtle care sbb ibu sekolah takde orang jaga sy dan zahra. Tp hari ni sy boleh cakap i survived that! Solo trip! Tanpa menyalahkan sape2. Tanpa memburukkan sape2. Semuanya dgn redha dan Allah di sisi. And that is by far my greatest achievement in life.

Ada la dlm banyak2 doa sy masa pregnant, ya Allah kurniakan org yg betul2 syg sy. Dan dia mestilah syg zahra sgt2. Allah beri suami sy Azrul. Yg mmg confirm syg sy sejak zaman tok kaduk. Haha. Confident je kan? Memang sy confident part tu. Alhamdulillah. Dan dia memang syg zahra. Setiap hari duk laut pun sibuk call nak tanya kabar zahra je. Kabar sy last2 baru tanya. -_- dan perjuangan yg tu telah selesai. Sekarang ni perjuangan yg baru pulak. Perjuangan rumahtangga. Perjuangan membesarkan zahra. Perjuangan mengandungkan adik zahra. Perjuangan diri sendiri sebagai hamba Allah. Semoga pregnancy kali ni dalam lindungan Allah. Dan semoga amalan pun bertambah. Jangan malas2 okay umi.

Ps: dh scan hari tu. Baby dh lambai2 kat umi & ayah.

Sekadar sebuah ucapan terima kasih buat suami tercinta pemilik hati dan pintu syurga saya, terima kasih sebab melayan ibu mengandung ni. Abg suami paling awesome dlm dunia. Abg balik nnti syg nak cool blog n lokcing lg. Kbai.

A bun

Assalamualaikum

Hi

We're at husband's kampung. Long story short, i'm pregnant. Surprise! Lol. I dont think i have any cravings just yet being that our sweet pea is still very small. And alhamdulillah i have no serious morning sickness. Pretty much like when i was pregnant with zahra. I need my snacking to keep my stomach full so i wont vomit air. Or have a nausea from the flatulence. All in all, im very happy with my conditions. There are worse right?

Anddd, one thing. I just have this urge to eat this one particular sour fruit, cermai. Not that jeruk kind of cermai. I daydreamed about young cermais. An out of nowhere, my mouth will be filled with a waterfall of saliva. Ouh just the thought of it. Anddd, apparently, my beloved mil has a family member who sells jeruk cermai which she asked where does she get all the fresh cermais and she got some for me! Yay! Alhamdulillah. I dont think that this is a craving, maybe just an urge to eat something sour. And this evening, i ate some of the cermai and they were wonderful! Perfectly like i imagined. Maybe even better. Because my pregnant hormones kicked in and affected my taste buds and honestly and seriously, i didnt think they were sour at all! God that is so satisfying. And i ate them with salt. Um um so gewd~

Ok, so lets talk about the father of the bun in the oven lol. He's over the moon about me being pregnant. He smiles every single night before bed. And he'd do most of the housework especially doing the dishes. And what im so grateful of right now is, him taking care of zahra. You see, a child can sense when her mother is pregnant with another baby. Idk how but old people say that. And zahra proves it. I talked about work before this remember? I was sure i can leave zahra for work because she can bottle feed now. But after my pregnancy she totally resist the formula milk which puzzles us. After brief explanation by my mom, i get it that she's jealous of the baby and she wants to get back to breastfeed and hug me all the time. Considering my on off feverish conditions and flatulence and nauseas, husband is very helpful with bottlefeeding zahra patiently until she's surely full. I love my husband so much right now. Huhu.

Anddd, about that work i said, i said goodbye. Lol. Who am i kidding, i still get job interview offers but who will hire a pregnant lady? Plus, even if i get the job, i dont think i can cope being pregnant and doing another job from 9 to 5. Maybe this is the hikmah about me not getting my dreamjob.. i get a dreamjob of being a mother of two. Hehe

Please pray for our health. Umi and baby wishes everyone good night. Actually i just made husband went out to buy kuetiau goreng basah because im hungry. And i just ate it and i cant sleep just yet. I dont wanna be fat before the actual bump right? Lol

Ps: along and i will be having a baby next year insyaAllah. So mak and abah will have 2 extra grandchildren next year. Haha.

Very small ps: i never experienced any of this with zahra and i thank Allah with so much gratitude. Alhamdulillah. Lots of love to my fil and mil for your concerns and love. Also to my in law siblings. Its such a happy feeling to see faces ignite when they know that im pregnant. Especially to husband, thank you for what you have done and what you will be doing in less than 8 months. I really want to cherish this. <3

Im not the wolf. Im merely an owl who waits for the moon.

Assalamualaikum

Hi

Waa lama nya tak update belog. Tapi you know why right? Parenthood. Zahra dah pandai membebel sekarang. Mulut potpet2 24 jam. Segala benda lah dia buat mcm henfon, letak kat telinga dan bebel lagi dan lagi. Ala2 umi gayut dgn ayah lah mcm tu. Lol. Dah cucuk punggung 18 bulan. She's officially 1 year and a half. So big ady kakak2 sgt. Sedang brush up teknik penyuapan susu kepada bayi2 sebagai persediaan utk dpt adik kut. Ekseperimen selalunya pd anak patung hello kitty dia. Dan lamb yg dia panggil baa baa. Haa Mala baru melahirkan baby girl baru dorg, belum confirm nama tapi maybe nama Lili. Hehe omey macam kakak dia, Dhiya. Yay to new addition. Ciklong so happy the girls circle is getting bigger.

Life is good i guess alhamdulillah. Walau bosan tapi masih tetap alhamdulillah. Kawan2 yg sebaya duk komplen rindu anak2 etc, jadi rasa bersyukur sgt Allah beri peluang duduk rumah. Honestly, rasa nak kerja membuak2 sgt. Tak tipu langsung! So far dh attend few interviews. And one is my dream job. Macam kalau dpt kerja tu, rasa sangat bes bagai berada dipuncak dunia. Tak pernah rasa macam ni considering my career history. Yes, im hoping i get the job. Tapi kalau xdapat, ada lah tu hikmah dia, contohnya, zahra masih perlukan perhatian. Husband is very supportive, like i get a few job offers yg confirm dapat but he insisted that if i were getting back to work, i have to do it because i like the job. And among the many jobs i applied and attended interviews, there is that only one job yg mmg to die for. Will pay me poorly but its my dream job. Haha nampak tak gila meroyan sbb nak kerja tu?? I ranted for like 24 hours pasal tu husband tadah je telinga. Lol.

Anywho, other perks of being a full time mom, im very tv bound. Or frankly, pc bound. Sebab the both of us laki bini baru lepas habis 7 years of tv series, sons of anarchy. Comments? Perghh. That is all we can say. Go search it and watch it! We mean it people. Husband is still in limbo of it, still cant accept the fact that its over (for us). He refuses to watch any other movies or series yet. But we watched mr robot & dragon balls in between but they dont count. We have weird system about that. Hence the draught season of this blog. Habis tu mane nak fokus anak lagi tv lagi writing lagi. Even my reading time freezes tau. :p but its back on track and im looking forward to buy that latest book of lang leav. Any one wants to join me to kinokuniya?

one of the series' ost. do listen

Ps: this goes to my husband, walaupun abg dah balik malaysia, im so proud of you. You deserve everything under the sun for your service and good work. And we love you. :*

Redemption

assalamualaikum


***pejam mata

rasa tak ombak dalam dada hempas pasir tangkai jantung? jantung jatuh :)

jantung jatuh tu term 2004. being a weird undercover poet, i was describing to husband my chest pain every time he does something sweet (or just because i fell so in love with him). it was so hard to explain that to him because he was a heartless physics freak. so i said, exactly macam jantung jatuh. (kena panah petir. vibrate. jantung rasa sejuk. i tried using those terms but he didnt get it.) --

anyway, do you like this song? we love it. <3 p="">




ps: i just finished a bottle of tart nenas. like seriously.

The raya post

Assalamualaikum

Hi

First and foremost! Selamat hari raya! Maaf zahir dan batin! Xoxo

Whew what took so long for a hari raya post? The end of ramadhan, the whole hari raya thing & the hari raya aftermath. We ended ramadhan at husband's kampung. First raya there. Second raya at mine. How was it you ask? It was awesome like seriously. I didnt know what to expect spending hari raya away from home for the first time in my life. So yeah, i was pretty sad. But my in laws are so amazing. And im not saying that lightly. I mean, my mom in law with her amazing dishes. My sisters in laws with the cookies and cakes. The males with fireworks. It was a very happening raya indeed. And man, the raya morning. That hand shakings and kissings and huggings sessions, we never have that in kota bharu. Idk about other families, but back in my kampung, we would be just like 'hey sorry man, happy raya to you' and that's it. At my in law's we get to have a real speech and tears and sooo much of hugging. It was very refreshing for me. I mean yes, i cried.. and idk why. Lol. And oh, when i was trying to apologise to husband for any of my wrongdoings, i cried but i also laughed. Like it was weird.. but also i was overwhelmed. Husband smiled like he was blushing or something. Lol. I think the whole thing was lovely. I will definetely make it a tradition for our little family in the future. And thank you abah and mak and along for all your advices and love.

The eating and feasting after that was even lovelier, i was introduced to a lot of jawa dishes, and how to eat them. Mostly just ways of our family eat them.. Love everything on the table. So we went to nenek and atok house, mil's relatives and also husband's friend's house. Hmm everyone was so nice.. i wish the first day of raya was longer. I ate at every house okay! I was full but i tried to make room for more food. Just because everything was so delicious. Nope i dont regret it. Lol.

The raya we spent at my kampung wasnt much of raya left. Mil kirim some for ibu, rendang, kuah kacang etc so we indulged on the dishes and everyone loves my mil's cooking im so proud. Haha. Other than that, we spent raya shopping near siam and jalan2. Sokay one because next year will be my turn. Hew hew. Plus, raya haji also my turn. Kikiki. You see, marriage is give and take. Because after raya kota bharu, we went back to husband's kampung and walla mil made laksa. Like she knew i was craving for it. Please dont judge my appetite.

All in all, i miss hari raya so much. I dont want it to end. I want lemang. I want rendang. I want nasi impit kuah kacang. I want lontong. I want satay. I want sambal kering. I want tart nenas. I want ayam kicap. I want alllll the food there is. All i mean all. Ok so is anyone organizing open house? Anyone?

Ps : you see, housewives also have problem getting used to regular chores after long breaks. I need to sync my head to constant cleaning and seriously focus on gardening. Heck yeah!