just because

 assalamualaikum and hi

it feels liberating to be able to write again. i mean like this. to say these words. not that anybody restricted me before. azrul in fact begged me to write more. but i was just meh. maybe life was too much. life is much too as i am speaking. i dont know what but my hormones are pushing me right now lol ahh at my age, this could only be caused by some family planning pills.

i guess it could mean that i need some time to adjust, tune, align?

family is great. azrul's career is going on great. kids are healthy alhamdulillah. parents are healthy too. nothing to complain. this perfect moments seem perfect. Allah is the greatest.

me. how about me? you know as a mom, when i became a mom, i signed up for limbo. i have no idea for how long this limbo is going to last, but im there now. turned 35 i think i am handling limbo better.

also talking about being 35, is it normal that i feel like i want life to begin now. what the hell im 35 with a family, what else to begin? or is this an MCO effect? you feel me?

a random pic of me and the love my life. see azrul's ring? well its gone now, lost it masa camping kat kaki genting. please notice my star and moon bracelet thank you azrul mehehe

talk

ps: i know i should write about our 3d2n camping experience but wait aaaa XD

that day i thought my chest was on fire

 assalamualaikum and hi

originally the plan was to go camping at this campsite that needs a bit of hiking or trekking, quite deep into the woods but the river is so amazing. but Allah knows best that suddenly azrul became a covid close contact. we didn't want to risk anybody at the campsite because he needed to be in quarantine at least until he got his PCR test result la kan. i was devastated lah we bought so many camping equipment haha

but after he got his result and it was negative kitorg redah je went for a short hike and mandi2 je la, day trip. and it was a new experience, so fun, i love love love the river, the sao paulo pool!

so the things we brought pun tak banyak, just one pair of change for each person, of which we didnt even change there pun, we changed in the car. we wore sports shoes because i dont want to risk kids tripping over the roots, sebab situ jalan entrance dia menurun, nak balik karang kena hike. so masa pegi tu memang easy peasy lemon squeezy, karang nak balik berkicap. i carried a big bag, azrul carried zuyyin. muaz carried his sand toys, he insisted, kakak no bag. like i said, it was easy reaching the river.

there, fara and her aunt punya family dah camping kt situ for one night. we ate a bit, main2 air, borak2 until la zuyyin sleepy dia mcm biasa la perlu hammock haha. once she was asleep, fara and jit took us to the sao paulo pool or satu lubuk kat situ yang dalam, people go there to terjun tiruk, memang best tau. and i jumped! one time with a life jacket. so scaryyy, fara said she jumped but dia tak lompat pun i sorang je lompat wwuuw but since it was deep, and i wore life jacket so it was so fun floating in there oh best nye i miss it lol kids had a lot of fun too. i think that was the highlight of our trip haha

pastu rest a bit and eat more talk more, until it rained and for the first time we saw air sungai jadi deras sikit and we got out and suddenly the river jadi brown, maybe a small kepala air kut. so the kids tau la things to watch out since it happens in front of their eyes, good experience. 

and in the end, we helped fara and her aunt's family carry their things up. ok the hard part begin lol i carried zuyyin, azrul helped them lah i just made sure kids were safely there sampai dekat kereta. fiza pun sama, she carried asma' and we hiked together sampai atas. almost dekat atas tu i started feeling warm in my chest oh my God seriously i was like am i ok is this heart attack lol masa tu tak kelakar la. jastin kat belakang he was like sari ok ke haha. i tried to not to push myself too much and made a lot of stops nearing the top tu kot that was why he asked. i am undeniable not fit at all plus i carried zuyyin in front of my body, the weight and all that lah. pikir2 balik that was dangerous and i will not carry her masa hiking anymore not kidding hahaha

but alhamdulillah we made it, we rested in the car while waiting for the guys and the 2 families sampai ke atas, helped the put the things in the car and all that. pastu we took pics for the memories haha. it was drizzling lah mcm tu time tu but alhamdulillah nobody got sick i guess. better that last time balik dari kaki genting adam and jastin demam huhu.

so as a conclusion, for family camping, better find a campsite yang tak perlu hike no matter the distance, hiking dengan wagon pun payah, they got their wagons terbalik many times tau. kalau a bit jauh, jalan normal is fine if you have wagon, kalau takde wagon susah gak la nk carry kan, benda bukan sikit haha

hiking with kids checked off bucket list! ok i will tell you our solo (just the 5 of us) 3 days 2 nights camping experience in my next post k! enjoy the pics, nothing much just the pics from FB

i lived

ps: eh hello im 35. happy belated birthday to me mehehe

Cerita Camping with Kids

 assalamualaikum and hi

so the other week, we went camping with kids. was almost impromptu didnt have much time planning pun. on? on! macam tu je decide. and since we dont own a tent except for the small one kids buat main and the one we brought picnic, itu je lah yang ada, we rent one along with some other things. so i'd like to tell you guys about our experience bringing kids pegi camping dalam hutan lol

im a plan freak with anxiety i guess lol. so i was kinda serabut pikir nak bawak apa what to eat all those things lah. sebab with kids kan? ok first! the place! it was near dusun bonda the glamping situ tu. this camping site before dusun bonda. we had to cross the river, air cetek that time sebab panas and ada rope to hold on to. the things we can put on a water tank, float je to the other side haa gitu. the day we came, i cross the river dukung zuyyin pegang tali je, the kids, kakak and muaz letak dalam water tank husband teacher Fara, Jit yang tolak dorg with our things. azrul cross mcm biasa la with things jugak. balik tu anak2 can cross sendiri, we let them hold the rope.

yang pergi camping nya 4 family all with kids. teacher Fara and his husband Jit ada 4 kids, us 3 kids, Fiza and Justin ada 3 kids and lastly Khairi and Sarina with their special baby Adam with Down Syndrome. ok the tents! so i mentioned we dont have tents of our own so kitorg sewa this service dekat subang. service excellent except for the part they forgot our cooking essentials but its ok confusing sebab i add on last minute all was good very recommended. we took Arpenaz 4.2 spacious ada 2 bilik left and right with a common area kt tengah, looks proper la. tengah boleh letak barang2 and solat. kalau ada small table pun boleh letak. but for us agak too big rasa membazir pulak ruang kt tengah. nak pasang tu senang je, first time memang terkial2 tapi once you know, easy je. azrul la yang cakap sebab dia pasang dengan khairi lol. khairi pun takde tent sendiri so dia pun sewa dari org yang sama as we did. azrul yang amekkan easy one go je kan. sebab dia bertiga je so dia amek quechua mh100, servis sewa tent tu pun ada 2 jenis tu je la so far ni. oh btw khairi ni kawan tempat keje azrul. while fara and fiza ada tent sendiri dorg baru beli deer creek very nice and ventilation nampak nice lah. and anak2 fara 2 org tido dalam hammock so tak la sempit pun tent dia tu. menarikkan suruh anak tido dalam hammock lol

the day kitorg sampai, pagi setup tent semua sampai tengah hari. we had our breakfast in the car makan sandwich we bought dekat petrol station je. fiza bawak nasi lemak n mee goreng mcm tu, lunch habiskan tu semua je. memang plan lunch makan apa ada or tapau je no masak2 sebab nk setel letak barang sume kan. once all done baru la boleh fokus relax and riadah. tapi anak2 time ni dah riang ria dalam air dah. good thing situ family area ramai budak dan adults tengokkan jadi tak risau lepas pandang anak sekejap2. plus, fara and jit sampai dulu, dorg dah setup semua so jit la tengokkan budak2 lol. fara setup gazebo. oh haa we took one gazebo for cooking. so tents sekeliling gazebo. tepi gazebo ada campfire yg dorg dah buat cantik with bench and everything, just bawak net and arang je la. kayu api pun dorg provide cantik2 ada special small hut so cute lol

for the food, cooking item mostly brought by fara because she has all the things dia paling expert haha. ada stove, gas and burners semua tu la. we did rent one stove tapi rupanya gas beli sendiri lol. tapi agak helpful ada extra stove sebab cepat sikit nak masak tu kan. oh best thing about the site is that kat situ ada plug point! so easy nak charge phone, i even brought electric kettle, senang haa masak air lol. and the gazebo pun ada one wall fan, tak la panas, anak2 nak tido pun boleh atas tu. we should have brought zuyyin's swing sebab ada je org bawak and pasang kat gazebo tu, sebab zuyyin tido buai jadi tumpang hammock, tapi lama jugak dia tido walaupun panas lol ok back to the food, other people bawak cups and plates sendiri mcm tu la. we planned juga nak makan apa like sandwich, bread, nugget, bakar2 ayam, ikan bakar, nasi, sardin things like that. so sebab lunch habiskan breakfast je, petang makan sandwich sardin and nugget. oh i tried buat waffle dekat situ bawak tepung bancuhan sume tu but waffle maker rosak T_T so lari plan waffle kat situ. malam bakar ikan, ayam and marshmallow for the kids. fiza ada bawak lokching so makan lokching tu la jugak lol. the next day i buat nasi goreng sardin. habiskan nasi semalam and sardin. fara buat small burgers dgn nugget. air mineral azrul beli byk botol besar tu, so air memang byk, nak air panas je pakai kettle letrik. nak basuh pinggan semua tu ada sink khas dekat dengan toilet cuma kena jalan sikit. kalau malas just basuh kat sungai. and oh, ada kepala paip near every gazebo. i think itu kepala paip utk mandi but takde walls so anak2 je la mandi situ. boleh jugak basuh pinggan situ, i kan malas nak jalan, i basuh situ je.

that is the sum of our camping trip i guess. and we're going camping again next week! this time we will be more prepared and i hope better at planning and organizing. but still we dont have our own tent, we'll be renting one yang campsite tu punya base M, excited nak try sebab azrul ada cakap nak beli tu so boleh la try dulu kan? huhu and this coming trip takde letrik tau. dia bagi generator je. sounds scary but fun! lol

good things to have:

• tent
• stove and gas
• hammock
• chairs
• water shoes
• life jacket
• clear box to put your things, easy to carry
• wagon
• outdoor hijab
• powerbank
• lots of lights and lamps

here are a few pics, banyak sangat kalau nak letak so i letak yang senonoh je la lol

started with you

ps: shaima cakap ini ke ansari yang saya kenal? because this is not me, i dont do outdoors but welp here i am hahahaa

bluebird

 assalamualaikum and hi!

it has been a while since i layan some bukowski. and i came across this again. love tom o'bedlam's narration, always have always will.

i think what i think about melancholy, about heartbreaks, about pain is somewhat a happiness. because i was used to it. and i create better with sadness. words come out better. ideas look promising lol. and bukowski said that in the poem.

but he has a blue bird in his heart. a happiness. something good. and i have that too. only difference wass that he kept the blue bird inside. and i cherish my blue bird. and the outcomes are different.

obviously his book sales skyrocketed. and im this. but my blue bird is free. im happy. and that is good for me. but kinda bad for what i used to be, referring to how i write. i used to write about this if you read my old posts. cant find it.

haha

do you get it? ahh im just transferring some pics to the pc. and im killing some time.

see you when i see you. 

bluebird

love,

ansari

enjoying melancholy

 assalamua'laikum and hi

its fascinating that the reason i come here is because of some trending song that become an ear worm its hard to get rid of this one.

probably best if i don't share the song bcs wth ansari this is a blog not youtube.

i'm dealing with a massive heartbreak, i think my heart literally breaks, i think i felt a sharp pain in my chest. but i will not go into that yet. i'm not ready. i want to talk about something else. about my boring life maybe. this mundane, boring, quiet, plain vanilla life.

honestly speaking though, i don't know who reads this anymore. i think azrul is too busy with his work he doesn't have time to stop by anymore. i'm not complaining, its not like i have new posts everyday. this blog is a cave full of spiderwebs. but i like it here sometimes. a place i can write whatever yeah probably best that nobody is here anymore lol. but i see some traffic, idk who comes but hello fellow human. make yourself at home.

as i said, life is boring. but hectic at times. because we live with schedules. i try to make a routine for all of us. to make sure tiny humans are well fed, given all kinds of nutrients they need. at the right time, you know. not late, not too soon. and so far so good. everything is on schedule. tiny humans are not so tiny anymore. they have this attitudes of their own. makes me smile, driving me mad sometimes. oh such life.

i actually got indoor plants you guys. like seriously 4 pots of them. but 3 are alive, i wont say thriving but they are alive lah. one is a bit dry and i don't know where to put it. wondering whether i should repot it. this is crazy. why do i bring this upon myself. in between life, i try to execute this porch project. we have successfully put a porch dining set. is it for dining? i have no clue but there are 2 chairs and 1 table. we kinda relax there in the evening, get a breather, watch tiny human run around things like that.

and i envision this shelf or rack where i can put my plants. thinking of getting some herbs and ulam kinda plants. mostly plants we can eat and consume. and i got some from my neighbour. but i haven't got the rack or shelf yet. i think i want to do it slowly. because if i do it too quick and the project is done and then what? right? lol

ahh i guess that's it then. maybe i will post the pictures of my plants. maybe ya maybe. haha

ps: coffee stain on my notebook looks like a black halo. or nice scented hula hoops.

Remember That Night?

 Assalamualaikum and hi!

The day after you said goodbye

All I did was lay in bed and cry

But after one month, I started to move on

And after two, I felt alright

Then three months in, you were off my mind

And month four and five, I was living my life

I was better and didn't have to try

Not to think of you, 'til you reached out

And said, "Remember that night?"

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

The day after you had reached out

I was broken for the second time around

I prayed on the third day that I would be okay

That I'd forget you were ever mine

Oh, I don't think you realize

How long I had to fight to be living my life

To be better and never have to try

Not to think of you until you reached out

And said, "Remember that night?

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

 

 

ps: I know it has been a gajilion years but every song remind me of Azrul. The heart break song, the happy song, the serenading song. Every one of it. And this one reminds me of my upm years. Some nights Azrul would come to my hostel and he’s taken me to a mamak or some mcd and we’d talk. Then we’d go to a Putrajaya bridge and talk talk talk some more. He was my friend, and I love him. I love love him. We’d hold hands for hours. He’d drive us to wherever I don’t know, he didn’t know lol. And at the end of the night he’d send me back, I’d look at him, butterflies in my stomach, my heart fell into my gut. God it was always him. The one I loved and still love.

Anyone

 Assalamualaikum and hi!

Just lyrics of a current earworm. makes me think of my soulmate, Azrul.

Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold

Sleep with me here in the silence

Come kiss me, silver and gold

You say that I won't lose you, but you can't predict the future

So just hold on like you will never let go

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (Ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (Anyone), not anyone

Forever's not enough time to (Oh)

Love you the way that I want (Love you the way that I want)

'Cause every mornin', I'll find you (Oh)

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you, but you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love (Only one, I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (I've ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (It's not anyone, not anyone)

Oh-oh-oh-oh

If it's not you, it's not anyone

Oh-oh-oh, yeah, woah

Yeah, you are the only one I'll ever love (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya, yeah, oh-oh-oh-oh)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (Ever done, oh, yeah)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

Of My 2020

 assalamualaikum and hi!

Of my 2020:

+ Kakak started school for a whole year (supposedly) prev year she only attended her kindy for approximately 6 months.

+ Celebrated her birthday at school with friends as she always wanted.

+ We survived MCO. We all did. Good job to all.

+ I had to discontinue my tuition classes due to covid19.

+ I gave birth to Zuyyin on 31st August. Endured long hours contraction. Yay me.

+ Shed like 10kgs during confinement, although i might have gained a few kgs after confinement oopsie.

+ Zuyyin attended her first wedding in KB. We traveled back and forth Klang-KB that confinement period oopsie.

+ I started selling mochi in my confinement. And still running.

+ We lost our beloved uncle on my husband's side to covid19. May Allah bless his soul and grant him heaven.

The year admittedly was terrible. But there were a few sunshines and rainbows. We ended the year with a loss. I wish for everyone to stay healthy. I pray that this pandemic ends soon so we can get back to our normal lives. Everyone in my life, i love you all and ibu, happy birthday! We love you so much cant wait to see you!

ps: i guess some points are missing but these are the gist. goodbye 2020!