bluebird

 assalamualaikum and hi!

it has been a while since i layan some bukowski. and i came across this again. love tom o'bedlam's narration, always have always will.

i think what i think about melancholy, about heartbreaks, about pain is somewhat a happiness. because i was used to it. and i create better with sadness. words come out better. ideas look promising lol. and bukowski said that in the poem.

but he has a blue bird in his heart. a happiness. something good. and i have that too. only difference wass that he kept the blue bird inside. and i cherish my blue bird. and the outcomes are different.

obviously his book sales skyrocketed. and im this. but my blue bird is free. im happy. and that is good for me. but kinda bad for what i used to be, referring to how i write. i used to write about this if you read my old posts. cant find it.

haha

do you get it? ahh im just transferring some pics to the pc. and im killing some time.

see you when i see you. 

bluebird

love,

ansari

enjoying melancholy

 assalamua'laikum and hi

its fascinating that the reason i come here is because of some trending song that become an ear worm its hard to get rid of this one.

probably best if i don't share the song bcs wth ansari this is a blog not youtube.

i'm dealing with a massive heartbreak, i think my heart literally breaks, i think i felt a sharp pain in my chest. but i will not go into that yet. i'm not ready. i want to talk about something else. about my boring life maybe. this mundane, boring, quiet, plain vanilla life.

honestly speaking though, i don't know who reads this anymore. i think azrul is too busy with his work he doesn't have time to stop by anymore. i'm not complaining, its not like i have new posts everyday. this blog is a cave full of spiderwebs. but i like it here sometimes. a place i can write whatever yeah probably best that nobody is here anymore lol. but i see some traffic, idk who comes but hello fellow human. make yourself at home.

as i said, life is boring. but hectic at times. because we live with schedules. i try to make a routine for all of us. to make sure tiny humans are well fed, given all kinds of nutrients they need. at the right time, you know. not late, not too soon. and so far so good. everything is on schedule. tiny humans are not so tiny anymore. they have this attitudes of their own. makes me smile, driving me mad sometimes. oh such life.

i actually got indoor plants you guys. like seriously 4 pots of them. but 3 are alive, i wont say thriving but they are alive lah. one is a bit dry and i don't know where to put it. wondering whether i should repot it. this is crazy. why do i bring this upon myself. in between life, i try to execute this porch project. we have successfully put a porch dining set. is it for dining? i have no clue but there are 2 chairs and 1 table. we kinda relax there in the evening, get a breather, watch tiny human run around things like that.

and i envision this shelf or rack where i can put my plants. thinking of getting some herbs and ulam kinda plants. mostly plants we can eat and consume. and i got some from my neighbour. but i haven't got the rack or shelf yet. i think i want to do it slowly. because if i do it too quick and the project is done and then what? right? lol

ahh i guess that's it then. maybe i will post the pictures of my plants. maybe ya maybe. haha

ps: coffee stain on my notebook looks like a black halo. or nice scented hula hoops.

Remember That Night?

 Assalamualaikum and hi!

The day after you said goodbye

All I did was lay in bed and cry

But after one month, I started to move on

And after two, I felt alright

Then three months in, you were off my mind

And month four and five, I was living my life

I was better and didn't have to try

Not to think of you, 'til you reached out

And said, "Remember that night?"

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

The day after you had reached out

I was broken for the second time around

I prayed on the third day that I would be okay

That I'd forget you were ever mine

Oh, I don't think you realize

How long I had to fight to be living my life

To be better and never have to try

Not to think of you until you reached out

And said, "Remember that night?

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning

I kissed you, it was pouring

We held each other tight before the night was over

You looked over your shoulder

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

Remember that night?"

Oh, I was doing fine

You said, "Remember that night?

 

 

ps: I know it has been a gajilion years but every song remind me of Azrul. The heart break song, the happy song, the serenading song. Every one of it. And this one reminds me of my upm years. Some nights Azrul would come to my hostel and he’s taken me to a mamak or some mcd and we’d talk. Then we’d go to a Putrajaya bridge and talk talk talk some more. He was my friend, and I love him. I love love him. We’d hold hands for hours. He’d drive us to wherever I don’t know, he didn’t know lol. And at the end of the night he’d send me back, I’d look at him, butterflies in my stomach, my heart fell into my gut. God it was always him. The one I loved and still love.

Anyone

 Assalamualaikum and hi!

Just lyrics of a current earworm. makes me think of my soulmate, Azrul.

Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold

Sleep with me here in the silence

Come kiss me, silver and gold

You say that I won't lose you, but you can't predict the future

So just hold on like you will never let go

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (Ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (Anyone), not anyone

Forever's not enough time to (Oh)

Love you the way that I want (Love you the way that I want)

'Cause every mornin', I'll find you (Oh)

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you, but you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love (Only one, I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (I've ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (It's not anyone, not anyone)

Oh-oh-oh-oh

If it's not you, it's not anyone

Oh-oh-oh, yeah, woah

Yeah, you are the only one I'll ever love (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya, yeah, oh-oh-oh-oh)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Lookin' back on my life, you're the only good I've ever done (Ever done, oh, yeah)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

Of My 2020

 assalamualaikum and hi!

Of my 2020:

+ Kakak started school for a whole year (supposedly) prev year she only attended her kindy for approximately 6 months.

+ Celebrated her birthday at school with friends as she always wanted.

+ We survived MCO. We all did. Good job to all.

+ I had to discontinue my tuition classes due to covid19.

+ I gave birth to Zuyyin on 31st August. Endured long hours contraction. Yay me.

+ Shed like 10kgs during confinement, although i might have gained a few kgs after confinement oopsie.

+ Zuyyin attended her first wedding in KB. We traveled back and forth Klang-KB that confinement period oopsie.

+ I started selling mochi in my confinement. And still running.

+ We lost our beloved uncle on my husband's side to covid19. May Allah bless his soul and grant him heaven.

The year admittedly was terrible. But there were a few sunshines and rainbows. We ended the year with a loss. I wish for everyone to stay healthy. I pray that this pandemic ends soon so we can get back to our normal lives. Everyone in my life, i love you all and ibu, happy birthday! We love you so much cant wait to see you!

ps: i guess some points are missing but these are the gist. goodbye 2020!