wearing my thinking hat

assalamualaikum

hi

it is almost all the time that you feel like its certain. what you feel is real. what you're doing is real. but sometimes doubt creeps in. for a female, i guess its almost routine to feel that way, because hormones. and i am like that sometimes. i doubt myself. it is mostly out of nothing and once i let the steam off to my roommate slash husband, i feel better again. but it keeps coming back at me and i dont like that those doubts ruin my days, i thought i should do something about it. and i am. slowly but surely? hopefully.

i have registered myself in a small business i want to be serious about it. and i want to build my dream slowly one page at a time. it is at such moments that you realise that only you can pick yourself up. i mean, my friends are obviously jealous of me that my husband looks after us very carefully and with such love, no doubt about that. what im talking about is what i want to do for myself. because basically my husband cant do it for me. he's very supportive but i gotta stand up and do it myself. finally walking the talk. i hope i am strong enough. and i hope i dont give up. im a sucker for stumbling and crying and retreating. i really want to go for it and if it turned our horrible i hope i will stand by it and make it work no matter what.

haha that's very vague? im just secretive about it. its such a baby i dont want to ruin it. when the time comes. and oh. its not about the small business that im doing because the small business is mary kay and that's not my dream but ok. its something else. we'll see about that?

honestly i have been talking about this since forever, if you read this from the beginning haha. ugh, im so weak. lol

ok bye xoxo

dusk till dawn

ps: we're going to pontian tomorrow. ape best guys?

hired, but

assalamualaikum

hi

after one month of searching and endless applications sent to companies, i got a job! hip hip hooray! it was near us like 15 mins from home. notice the tense though. i politely declined the offer. even though  during the interview i told them things were all figured out. apparently, my husband thinks its best i stay at home and care for the kids. i have to agree with him, not by force, because admit it, the kids are still small, especially muaz. we may sound like we're clingy parents, my husband especially, but im glad he is. im glad he sees that the kids need me with them, im glad that my husband said "i dont think there's anybody out there who can take care of zahra and muaz as good as you do". im glad he sees that im doing the best i can.

and this may be my another sacrifice to the family, but its a sacrifice i am willing to make. and i do it for us. because deciding for the job, he was a bit vague about whether or not i should take it, and knowing how he is, i knew it wasn't right and i rejected the offer even he didn't say the words. he even asked me why i did it. i dont know. it the things you do for your loved ones, for your family. because you are one of them, because perhaps this is not as good as it sounds like, perhaps there is a much better offer in the future, God willing.

as of now, im taking my sweet time staying at home, playing with the kids. because zahra will turn 4 next year, she's gonna be attending preschool, so i still have a few months left treating her like a baby. uhuu. 

perfect

I found a love for me

Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead

Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet

Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was

I will not give you up this time

But darling, just kiss me slow,

Your heart is all I own

And in your eyes you're holding mine

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass,

Listening to our favourite song

When you said you looked a mess,

I whispered underneath my breath

But you heard it,

Darling, you look perfect tonight

Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know

She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

I found a lover to carry more than just my secrets

To carry love, to carry children of our own

We are still kids but we're so in love

Fighting against all odds

I know we'll be alright this time

Darling, just hold my hand

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

When I saw you in that dress

Looking so beautiful

I don't deserve this

Darling, you look perfect tonight

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

I have faith in what I see

Now I know I have met an angel in person

And she looks perfect,

I don't deserve it

You look perfect tonight

ps: its been a while since the last time my oven bakes something. cake tomorrow?

clouds and rainy days

assalamualaikum

hi

and so i found a job online, applied for it and got called the same day. so i was a tad bit excited. mostly because its just a few kilometers away and it pays well. i went to the interview the other day, and pretty sad to say i might not get it. it never took this long for a company to call me and tell me i got the job, at least never happened to me. my husband told me to take my mind off of it and assume i dont get it. easier said than done? pretty bumped because i kinda look forward to it. i was the most excited about it. boohoo. mom and husband sounded like they didnt approve. and i dont know what has gotten into me. i was fine being a housewife (as in my previous post), but suddenly, the opportunity and all the possibilities, suddenly i see a new me, and i can feel fire burning inside me telling me i can do things i havent done in years. ugh i hate this feeling. nonetheless, even in the midst of your doubts and worries, you encouraged me to attend the interview, and maybe towards the end of it said "hey, maybe we can do this?" lol

yeah, we never leave the kids to anybody other than our family members. and the longest was like 4 hours? maybe? my husband is very cautious and he doesn't like leaving the kids to strangers. with the child abuse cases on the rise. and i know he wants to keep his head worry-free. when the kids are with me, he doesnt have to worry, right? knowing the kids are fine with their mother, me. this applies to me too lah. but we kind of looked into baby sitters around here, and we found a number of baby sitter we think fit to care for the kids, making us think that "this is doable" you know? and the people around us too, being very supportive, encouraging me to work, offer to babysit the kids, suggesting babysitters and taskas here. i mean, if i actually get a job someday, im sure it wont be a problem at all. 

well, baby steps.. baby steps. together right ayah? lol the kids dont have much choice here but to think about it, it gives them new experience, having friends and play dates. (we're trying to say all positive things here lol)

all in all, im just carried away with the weather. hey, more reasons for coffeeeee.

too close

ps: i have been watching gossip girl and suddenly it gives me headache

island in the sun

assalamualaikum

hi

sometimes you dont know what you're going to see, what you're going to meet. but you just go. you let your feet take you wherever they're taking you. its not that you dont want to know. or you dont care. sometimes, maybe you want to be surprised. and that is what i am doing. my fingers are knocking the keyboard one by one not knowing what i am about to write. i would like to surprise myself here.

so its tuesday. august 8th. beautiful date. nah not that it has any meaning to me. its a pretty gloomy day indeed. sweater weather. or at least no fan weather. yep, i turned the fan off. im a pure south east asian (unlike my glasgow-born husband LOL).

hey we just got back from our short vacation. i thought i'd give a tip or two about bringing babies and toddlers to a tropical island eh? first of all, make sure the resort you'll be staying provides baby cots (there's extra charges for extra mattress pillows and blankets, of course with a baby cot too) if you're fine with your kids sleeping with you on the bed, fine too. we took one baby cot and one extra mattress (walaupun in the morning all of us 4 cramps in the queen sized bed smh), and plan ahead what kind of activities that you'll be doing and bring things accordingly, for jungle trekking, it is advised to bring sports shoes or at least a sturdy sandal. for kids lah ni im talking about. because zahra's slippers kept falling off. if the baby is small, baby carrier would help too. so you wont have to stop too many times because your arms are about to fall off lol. for pool swimming, you need kiddie floats (buy accordingly to their age). dont ever put them in the pool without floats. beaches are different because of the waves, we dont let them play in the water for too long and the kids fancy the sand and the seashells more so you probably dont need floats for beach. and yes, sand playing set. two kids, two sets okay? no sharing. most crucial, swimming attire, make sure they wear long sleeves swimming tops. so zahra no more bikini. the material dries quickly so you can just air the swimming tops and trunks, they should be dry enough for next dip. save spaceeeee. and of course sunblock for the kids. muaz looked a bit like a steamed lobster, that poor little guy. lol. sunnies and hats or caps! and the kids wont need any goggles, snorkeling stuff yet if they still cant talk, just dont buy any of that yet okay? additional tip, we bring a basket like a laundry basket. its perfect for dumping any extra things, toys, floats, dirty laundry, so you can bring one if you like. boat friendly dont worry. lastly, bring a bibik there haha! so you can have a moment for yourself and partner. we were lucky we have family members working at the resort so the kids, especially muaz selalu kena ambik bawak main dgn staff. he loved it lah of course. we had our fair amount of time snorkelling together side by side because their uncle took care of them main sand castle tepi pantai with them. so, bibik! important! lol. eh before i forget, snacks! the snacks on the island mahal macam machine gun, so if you and your kids are munchers, better bring your own snacks, biscuits, cookies, cakes, bread, even canned drinks and carton drinks. so that's that i guess?

oh! i'd like to thank my baby boo for bringing all of us to the island. we love you so much. last night zahra asked about the beach she must be missing it. i know i miss it. the times we shared with our family there is so priceless. and him having zero internet connection and spent 100% of his time with us is very appreciated. thank you again husband. nanti bawak lagi okay? hehehe. also thank you cik intan, our maksu and bibi, our brother. you island people rock!

okay then, till next time. this seems like a not so proper post because i left the kids dipping in the pails. dorang dah panggil dah tu. so okay bye!

ps: masak aglio olio pedal ayam kut hari ni. fusionnn.

Domestic Goddess

assalamualaikum

hi

well, life is great. i think i am more than blessed. watching and hearing all these stories and issues from other people about their lives sure put mine into perspective. and i have dreams im not ready to give up. baby steps i guess.

so today im going to tell you about *drum roll* not my dreams *drum roll* being a full time housewife. i was raised by a mother and a father and also grandparents. since my dad wasnt practically around, leaving his duties to my granda i wasnt seeing much of a fatherly roles in him but my granda was good at filling the holes my dad always kept empty. and my mom was for a few years a housewife and then she became a secondary school teacher. most of my time, i spent with my grandparents, my grandma to be exact. and seeing how much females in our family has to work, i was embedded with the idea that women should work. i mean, my grandma was our nanny, she cooked and took care of us, and it was great but she always remind me that every girl should work. never rely on your husband yada yada. so i look up to my mom, wanted to be like her, working. and it was never my intention to be a housewife, ever. but look what i do now. lol

its a battle really. to convince myself that this is good, this is sufficient. i mean like, i wasnt working as a high chief somewhere but i worked for a brief moment and i liked it. and being married and have kids, kind of closing every doors in front of me and i feel like im stopped by an invisible hand. as i mentioned in previous posts, i went to several interviews and failed and succeed. you know how it feels like when you fail interviews, right? but when i succeed all these waves of feelings come to me all at once shaking my thin palm tree of fearing of what will happen to my kids. yes, the one fragile thing i love most in the world, my kids. my husband is not fragile, he can take care of himself, so i know he'd be fine either way. but with my kids, i tremble at the thought of leaving them to people they dont know, total stranger. ok lah, they might learn about the stranger and probably like her. so will my kids love her more than me, the person who they only see 2 days a week, the person who only put them to bed every other night? not only that, will the nanny love them like i do? kiss them when they fall? never scold them if they do anything wrong? will she has the patience and love? and every other things like what will they eat and drink, what kind of tv program will she let them watch and if there is other kids around, will they be nice to my babies? imagine thinking about that all at once. i cried the night i knew i got the job as an english editor in puchong. i turned the job down the next day. 

does i feel any regret? no. in my head, i just want to do something that benefits me and the kids. days can be rough sometimes, i have sleep deprived, i cant eat properly, i cant even pee properly. but these tiny humans are growing in front of me. i see they literally grow inch by inch. i cooked their food with love and sweat and probably some screaming but they love everything i do and everything i give them. most importantly, they love me. they would choose me over anybody in the world. i dont have to ask anyone about my babies, i know them. i know the meaning of their cries even their facial expressions. so doing what i do now, is what's best for me. for anybody else? i dont know lah. 

so what we're doing now is growing together, the kids and i. thank God our families are very supportive and never question our decisions. and there is actually more about being a housewife i wanted to write. maybe in the next post ya? because ya Allah this is a challenging job lol. but so so fun. see you soon.

muaz is napping. zahra just put a couple of puzzle in front of me saying they're stones. last night they were gold coins. i gotta go. ummi has work to do. 

ps: sometimes the hardest question at my job is, what to cook for dinner.